Overcoming Self-hatred And It's Relation To Healing

[shell]

@Junebug I don't think alot of this stuff is conscious, but rather some underlying historical belief I held that comes from being treated differently, or having things that happened to me that didn't happen to others. Trying to make sense of the incomprehensible, to bring order to a disordered life, by using disordered thinking.

Sometimes when I wake in the small hours of the morning, in pain and I look back at my life, there is this feeling that somehow this is my fault, that all the shitty things that happened did so for some reason. Logically I know I am not responsible, but the need to make sense of things means that I just felt that way. It's always been a felt sense, rather than conscious thought.

It's when we see the truth, that we can change the messages that haunt ourselves, throw out the lies that hide the pain, find the truth no matter how painful. When the pain has passed, we are left with hope, caring and a future that we denied ourselves because when we blame ourselves we believe we are worthy of nothing, because when we have nothing, and are nothing, then we have nothing to fear losing.

It's taken a long time for me to have the courage to give up the lies, to believe in myself and to allow myself compassion, I was far too familar with punishing myself. It takes courage to change what we know, to risk being hurt again, because if you are worthy of more, then you can also risk losing more.

Self compassion doesn't come easy, it's not self pity, it's just self acceptance, a realization that life isn't perfect, and neither are we, we are all just the doing the best with what life throws at us.

 

[ms spock]

@Junebug Laurence Heller writes about Complex Trauma and you might find his book interesting.

 

[Tinyflame]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/1418/"]@Junebug[/DLMURL] I don't think alot of this stuff is conscious, but rather some underlying historical belief I held that comes from being treated differently, or having things that happened to me that didn't happen to others. Trying to make sense of the incomprehensible, to bring order to a disordered life, by using disordered thinking
..we can.. throw out the lies that hide the pain
.. when we blame ourselves we believe we are worthy of nothing, because when we have nothing, and are nothing, then we have nothing to fear losing.

Thank you @shell, I have never thought of that above, but I feel it is wholly so true. Except for, I am not sure if I fear loss so much as feel undeserving (which is natural I think if you feel you've merited the suffering or life as it were), but in another way I can't comprehend managing more loss, so in effect that could or must be true.

I think it actually results (for me) in removing pain when or if 'feel' as it were 'a different truth'. That is, to actually somewhere believe it enough to wonder if it could be true? :wideeyed: That is something 'happy' or amazing (but odd). :) Because logically in my case I have felt to blame.

Dear @Ms Spock , do you mean "Healing Developmental Trauma" (that is the title)?

Hugs to you & thank you for your help. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

Dear @Ms Spock , do you mean "Healing Developmental Trauma":hug:

Yes

 

[Tinyflame]

I have had a heck of a time getting (any) full book read for years, maybe about 6 years. :(

I do realize however (since this the second time my brain tried to hijack me after I experienced less self-blame) that I unconsciously &/or unintentionally respond with self-harmful/self-neglectful actions. But this time it doesn't have the same shock or upsetting feeling (& more self-blame from my reaction) as the last time & hopefully there won't be a third. Simply perhaps because I trust more if what I heard/ learned is the truth that is healthy, responding with self-harm is just a function I will expect could be possible & have to be aware of guarding against & not doing.

Probably the biggest improvement is that this time I don't believe the ptsd's (my mind's) explanation to reject what I heard. Even I guess if takes some courage or faith or going out on a limb to do so.

 

[ms spock]

@Junebug don't start with Heller as it is way too complex - even my psychiatrist complained about how dense it is. I read a few paragraphs at a time. No one I know is reading it straight through. People are reading a few pages at most. Heller needs to learn to write better, otherwise his concepts are not going to get through, even to the psychiatric community. It is the kind of writing look at me I am so intellectual I have made my work almost impenetrable.

I would suggest listening to "The Mindful Way Through Depression". It is in my Media Mindfulness file. (You can copy and paste the url in to a converter and put it on your phone, tablet or laptop.) How I am using it is to combat the negative thinking by listening to it and relistening to it as well as doing the body scan and the Breathing Space. It is 5 hours 14 minutes long but at 15 minutes a day you can get through it. The reason why I suggest it is because it goes through all the depressive thinking and breaks it down so you can see what the depressive thinking is and you can see ways out of going into those thought cascades. Even a slight shift in awareness makes a difference.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you very much @Ms Spock , I really will do it. And I appreciate the guidance very much, xox. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

@Junebug, everyone is different - some things work for some people and not others, but nothing comes of nothing, and if people keep doing what they have been doing then things will stay the same.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes totally agree @Ms Spock . :hug:

I think the biggest change I can potentially do on my part is to, where warranted, drop or challenge the mistrust or hesitation I've had. I guess let my guard down & when it arises simply not let the doubts or fears interfere, or at least 'ask'. To really consciously reject the negative thoughts or doubts or questions I have in favor of positive things I hear, even if they cause fear or I doubt if they apply to me.

And also, the problem at the moment is getting my body to conform, so work on that & also accept it won't always & that's not a personal failure or intention.

 

[ms spock]

I would like to suggest that the CBT approach or DBT approach is good, but you could get caught up in fighting with your self. Hey I am there, so I get it.

But how about an attitude of complete compassion for yourself for five whole minutes a day? Just sit and be kind to your self with all those thoughts and self hatred?

Mindfulness is not about getting it right - it doesn't matter if the mindfulness was good from your perspective or bad from you perspective either way doesn't matter. All that matters is that you do it each day even for five minutes. The last hour and fifteen minutes has the different practices - guided meditations, and I find them good. I mostly do the body scan and the Breathing Space.

Then as the self hatred comes up go "Oh there is the self hatred!" and you can be kind to the self hatred because it helped you survive some rough stuff. That self hatred (I am presuming you have Complex Trauma) stopped you from going mad by hating yourself and not your caregivers.

So perhaps reassure yourself and your self hatred and say "O Noble Self Hatred, There Was A Time When You Kept Me Alive and That Time is Past Now!" it doesn't have to be humorous that is my own particular slant.

 

[ms spock]

Having said your approach may be the best way @Junebug. I have been stuck a long time so my suggestion might not be helpful. That is where I am at this time.

I will be interested to hear how you go with the Mindfulness.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope I can do the mindfulness @Ms Spock . (I have done lots of CBT (or do it), & some aspects of DBT I try to apply).

I think part of the problem is my home is not a haven. Apart from working nights & being so tired when I get home (& the morning hours being hectic, or I've slept in), there is a lot of stress here. I am ashamed or feel burdened by what I consider the effects or influence of my ptsd on others, but I am also on the receiving end of what is another's ptsd (?) & drinking.

In fact, I hate myself for it, but I wonder if the SI is easier to stomach than wishing the other person wasn't there? :( That makes me feel ungrateful, & self-centered, & that I am not affording them the understanding of their illness(es) that I should, especially when I would hope to be given that.

But the truth is, I'm like a supporter but yet not equipped. I realize it's each of our responsibilities to get help (or admit we need it), but it is very stressful when you love someone to hear them crying all night (when they seemed ok some minutes before, or following a 'good' day), but then similarly the next minute or day being the target for their rage. :( :cry:

So some of the self-hatred can be challenged, & some (of mine) I fuel every day by not feeling the compassion I feel I should, or not knowing how to respond, or simply wanting it to all end by SI (easier that I'd be gone than thinking such a thing of her).

Most I can make sense of it anyway. :(

Edited to add, I know I didn't cause it, can't cure it, & don't control it, but I live with it. Tonight it's tears, now I hear cursing (it's probably towards 'me'- "You're so lazy, effin' c*nt b*tch..". :( )

I wonder too if I cause or would cause the same to another, or some form where they would suffer? :(