Overcoming Self-hatred And It's Relation To Healing

[ms spock]

If you are living with a drinker and someone with untreated(?) PTSD, then I question whether you are in a safe enough place to do the type of healing that you are looking at? Something to think about.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Ms Spock there is so no alternative that's feasible. We share a home & debt, I am not that well paid, & I have no other help or relatives or place to go, or way I can see to proceed. For the most part the explosive rage & violence has decreased a lot compared to years ago. I figure if this is the bed I've made I'd rather try to sleep in a more healed one if that's in some way possible. It's the only life I've got.

 

[ms spock]

I think part of the problem is my home is not a haven. I am ashamed or feel burdened by what I consider the effects or influence of my ptsd on others, but I am also on the receiving end of what is another's ptsd (?) & drinking.

This something to consider.

In fact, I hate myself for it, but I wonder if the SI is easier to stomach than wishing the other person wasn't there? :( That makes me feel ungrateful, & self-centered, & that I am not affording them the understanding of their illness(es) that I should, especially when I would hope to be given ththat

You really do not have to put up with abuse.

That is really interesting about your SI, it is letting you know that you he time out from the other person.

But the truth is, I'm like a supporter but yet not equipped. I realize it's each of our responsibilities to get help (or admit we need it), but it is very stressful when you love someone to hear them crying all night (when they seemed ok some minutes before, or following a 'good' day), but then similarly the next minute or day being the target for their rage. :( :cry:

Yes abuse is not good. To be the target of someone's rage is not okay.

So some of the self-hatred can be challenged, & some (of mine) I fuel every day by not feeling the compassion I feel I should, or not knowing how to respond, or simply wanting it to all end by SI (easier that I'd be gone than thinking such a thing of her).

You need regular space from this person.

Most I can make sense of it anyway. :(

I can see it is tricky.

Edited to add, I know I didn't cause it, can't cure it, & don't control it, but I live with it. Tonight it's tears, now I hear cursing (it's probably towards 'me'.)

It is not good that you are a target.

Iwonder too if I cause or would cause the same to another?

That is a worry, that you are thinking like this. Internalised self blame?

We share a home & debt, I am not that well paid, & I have no other help or relatives or place to go, or way I can see to proceed. For the most part the explosive rage & violence has decreased a lot compared to years ago.

Living with explosive rage and violence is not the best.

I figure if this is the bed I've made I'd rather try to sleep in a more healed one if that's in some way possible. It's the only life I've got.

I get this. I really do.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is a worry, that you are thinking like this. Internalised self blame?

Maybe internalized self blame @Ms Spock . Maybe wondering if "all ptsd is created equal" & my effects on others are as her's are on me?

A break, this is true. Yes it came to me one day it's so bad death seems preferable. And that's being aware of & trying to apply emotional detachment.

I get this. I really do.

Thank you @Ms Spock . :hug:

Am going to try to get some sleep (I've locked my door) & make a better day of it tomorrow.

She has great rage, resentment & hatred towards me. I love her but I fear her when she drinks or directs it towards me. I try to remember they say there is guilt involved, but I sometimes wonder.

I guess anything I can do for my own peace of mind is all I can do.

 

[ms spock]

Maybe wondering if "all ptsd is created equal" & my effects on others are as her's are on me?

Do you explode in rage and with violence?

break, this is true. Yes it came to me one day it's so bad death seems preferable. And that's being aware of & trying to apply emotional detachment.

So is the situation so bad that you engage in SI?

Or do you feel guilty for wanting the other person gone, so SI is preferable?

 

[Tinyflame]

No the 'explosive rage years' ended over 30+ years ago for me for the most part, but I have the capacity.

The first probably applies the most, that & fear of who or what I am or will become because I have ptsd.

The rare time I think the second I get SI out of shame that I could think such a thing, it feels monstrous to me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also I wonder if the things she says drunk are the truth? (No filter, no projection, really how she feels). That contributes to SI, as does the years I've being told the same or similar. It's one thing to hear that about yourself, another to hear them when the other person is under 'truth serum', so to speak.

Yet I also know her illnesses put her own life & health in danger. I have no idea what the future holds.

And if she doesn't love me, or hates me, well, she is entitled, that is her choice. I can't make her.

 

[ms spock]

:hug: Junebug!

Am going to try to get some sleep (I've locked my door) & make a better day of it tomorrow.

:(

She has great rage, resentment & hatred towards me. I love her but I fear her when she drinks or directs it towards me.

So you are not living in a safe place. Some of us live with abusers internally (me, and you a little bit) and some externally (you).
Where I live is not so safe, but it is safe in the place.

I try to remember they say there is guilt involved, but I sometimes wonder.

What do you mean by this?


This sounds like victim blaming to me. That is, you are blaming yourself.

I guess anything I can do for my own peace of mind is all I can do.

True.

 

[ms spock]

Also I wonder if the things she says drunk are the truth? (No filter, no projection, really how she feels). That contributes to SI, as does the years I've being told the same or similar. It's one thing to hear that about yourself, another to hear them when the other person is under 'truth serum', so to speak.

Can you see all the internalisations that are going on to enable her abuse of yourself?

Do you really believe that an actively self medicating alcoholic or actively self medicating untreated PTSD person in active addiction is the font of all knowledge?

Your thinking and cognitions about this situation are majorly distorted.

If alcohol was really a way to reveal the truth do you think that there would be the sanctions that there are on alcohol? The guy that ran over his wife recently might have thought his wife deserved to die but that does mean his real thinking is any way sane, real, logical, reality based or in any way cosensus reality? My answer is no.

If someone is acting out their pain and using someone else as verbal or physical punching bag I think it is fair to say what they are saying is not rational and is more about them, though if they have some insight into you they can attack you with a few bull 's eyes.

Your thinking is not only really dangerous for yourself but also for your sister.

I will stop there, this in the realm of a good professional.

@anthony writes a one page for healing PTSD and it talks about being safe.

Gosh I feel for you @Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Ms Spock .

I do agree:

Do you really believe that an actively self medicating alcoholic or actively self medicating untreated PTSD person in active addiction is the font of all knowledge?

Your thinking and cognitions about this situation are majorly distorted.

And thank you for being honest.

The strange thing is, (it is my sister & I), due to deaths, a natural disaster etc, we ended up here (in the same house, this one.)

By guilt I mean they say much of what comes out drinking is from (the person drinking's) feelings of guilt.

You know, I was thinking, all of my life I've chased after people's love who gave messages they didn't give it. My father had no real concept of handling 'women' (& had girls), he seemed to want to turn me in to the son he never had. I have heard & seen things indicating a lack of love, granted that he can't have a chance to explain (since he died when I was 14), but even on his death bed he never thought to tell me "I love you".

Of 3 sisters, one (not this one) had zero interest, which turned in to constant lying, rage & blaming; she mostly called me a 'martyr' when I tried to assert myself with her. The other 'calm' one, well after many years of me trying to find common ground (she had no interest in a relationship with me), she said, "you seem to have done a lot of thought about this, did you ever think it may be all your fault?" That finished it for me, because no matter what any relationship takes 2.

The sister here was very loving until maybe 10 years ago. Eight years ago I asserted a boundary she feels entitles her to hate me. Actually really she forgets I didn't actually assert it-she still got her own way. She tells me "Do the world a favor & go kill yourself". Other times she says "I love you". It falls flat.

All 3 of them for a lifetime have told me what's "wrong" with me.

Different men I dated, one particular I would have married, were abusive (not all). Somewhere I thought if I could be some other way, such-&-such different, I would then be 'lovable'. But never did he find 'right' things with me.

I think that feeling, that 'unlovability quotient', makes SI seem 'right' also.

Bah. I am sorry @Ms Spock that you endure the internal abuse. It's no different. I appreciate your kindness & help.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[ms spock]

That is not much chop @Junebug.

 

[ms spock]

Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD By Pete Walker, this might be of interest.