Relationship Overly Strict Parents

[Suzetig]

Your husbands military background may give him certain views about life and about what it means to be a man, and those views will certainly be challenged if he has PTSD ("I should be able to just deal with this because I'm strong..."). It's ok for him to want your child to grow up to be "strong" and to be neat and tidy but you're talking about a 3 year old - they need nurture and care, to be messy and loud and adventurous. And to be taught how to express their feelings, to understand that it's ok to feel scared, or angry or hurt and to know how to express that.

For example, if your child did grow up and join the military - he's a long way from being in an emergency where his tidiness would make a difference to his survival and the military would teach him all he needed to know anyway. So, at 3 years old, he had a long way to go.

If I were you I'd separate out his parenting and treatment of your child from his PTSD and set clear boundaries about what is and isn't ok in terms of discipline, chores etc. Your son is very little, too little to be expected to "man up" and too little to keep military standards of tidiness. It sounds like you know it isn't ok for him to be so hard on your little boy, calling it a symptom of PTSD just masks what can be a fairly common issue in military families, and is actually mistreatment.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

It's difficult you know because I do not want to quarrel with my childs father. I told you about the thunderstorm. When my umband yelled at him to stop crying or he would make him stand out there. I overreacted and yelled at my husband to stop yelling at my kid, then my husband yelled at me, called me backstabbing and we got into an argument which ended with my husband locking himself in the cellar (he has a gym there), turning up the music and telling us to get lost. I told him I was sorry but he did not come out until much later and was monosyllabic like he hated us.
But later he said he was sorry.

Boy, that makes us sound so disfunctional but thanks God this is mit typical for us

What is typical however: he nags, I nag about him nagging and we quarrel but typically do not yell... but I don't want the kids to see us quarrel.

 

[Mallaky]

Is this all happening in a safe way, or are you guys on the way to traumatizing and screwing up your kid? If you cannot answer this, you should consider getting a professional opinion or two, asap. The future of your child, and the oh so terrible dangers of "sissyphying" him, is more important then the touchy-feely-feelings of your husband, who seems to me to behave like a baby, and not allowing the actually baby to be one.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

*sigh* Yeah, I think you are right. :( :( We should do this.

But we are not a horrible family and some families of classmates I knew growing up were much worse.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think you're a horrible family at all, it's not uncommon for ex-military folk to set very high standards about behaviour and discipline, to want kids to toughen up and straighten up. Given their training and experience it's understandable, but not ok.

You've got a lot on your plate too with a small child and a husband struggling with PTSD so be kind to yourself, there's nothing that can't be fixed at this early stage. It's obvious you care about your husband and your little boy, you just might need help in getting boundaries in place and helping your sufferer ease up a bit.

 

[Mit]

I don't believe for one minute you're a horrible family. Every family has it's issues so try to take some comfort from that.

I can relate to a lot of what you say, both as a child (adopted child) whose parents were very domineering, and as a dad and step dad who sometimes gets it wrong and loses sight of what good parenting is about.

Your right, yelling and intimidating a three year old is not good, and it won't make him tough. It will most likely do the opposite and undermine his self esteem and make him overly compliant. Of course we want our kids to behave and be organised, but we want them to show their spirit too, to be themselves, not some puppet who just wants to please his parents. It sounds like bullying and you are right to speak up for the right of your son not to be bullied.

My son's are teenagers now. We have a good relationship (I think....) but as kids become older they do want to assert themselves more, so this probably isn't going to get easier for him as your son seeks to be more independent and assertive. So it would be best to try and stop it now if you and he can.

My parents were very domineering and controlling. They adopted me when I was 5, and I was already a very reserved, quite and compliant child. Their parenting style made me even more compliant and afraid of them. I never argued with them or spoke up, even when I was a teenager they totally dominated me. The first time I left home I flew to Australia and didn't come back for 5 years.....that is how I reacted, I needed to be far away so I didn't feel they were controlling me. Now although I live in the UK, I live hundreds of miles away from them, because I can't have them near me. It's a shame because neither of their own biological sons had children, but I have. My reaction to their over controlling parenting of me, living so far away has meant they don't get to see their grandchildren very often. We talk regularly on the phone and when we do meet up it's ok - but I just can't live near them. I'm sharing this with you so you can see the type of reaction being over controlling might have. Of course it might not, it's impossible to predict.

It may be your husbands PTSD, or it may be his military background - but he has to know regardless of what is causing his behaviour, taking it out on his son isn't right or fair. The fact that he apologised does show he knows he over reacted, that is a good sign.

I have been guilty of over reacting with my own children. I try to face up to it when I have, it's not easy, but recognising it as an unhelpful and possibly harmful reaction is the starting point. Probably most parents would admit to over reacting at some time, so don't be too hard on yourselves. But it does sound as though he has a problem and ought to get some professional help. I know it must be very hard to talk to him about it, but if you can, when you are both calm I would explain why you are so concerned for him and your son and encourage him, or both of you to see a counsellor or therapist.

Please don't be hard on yourself. There is no such thing as perfect parents or perfect families.

 

[StarChild]

Hi @Lemontree, I was looking around a bit for some stuff to read. Ever heard of Jan-Uwe Rogge? If not, maybe look-up his name on Google? Amongst others, there's a book that I'd like to suggest, especially, since the author is a man. It's called: "Ängste machen Kinder stark". It is okay and natural for kids to have fears, like the ones he describes. How parents react / do answer to their children's fears and how they support their kids through their fears, that's the point...

It's great by the way, that you took courage and wrote about what happened. Looking for help / support isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength. :tup:

 

[Stickler]

Link Removed

Please get marital counseling immediately, because I think the above pattern may be occurring?

At any rate, nagging is " I can't get what I want without angering or hurting you but I am going to keep angering or hurting you until you give me what I want."
That is profoundly disrespectful. Disrespect is the battery acid of marriage.
I...would give you tips on how to respectfully negotiate?
Unfortunately I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and several long-term emotionally abusive relationships...successful negotiation doesn't work in those.
( My partners were dishonest and wanted power. Apparently I was only attracted to people like my nutty parents.)

I actually suspect your child's crying is a trigger for him. He may not be aware it is. He just gets angry. He isn't aware of it as a trigger.
He needs therapy to find and cope with his triggers, also for proper parenting.

I suspect your child's noise, chaos, and sloppiness actually *frightens* him for the boy? To some degree.
But the kiddo can't developmentally handle the expectations of his dad yet, and your husband NEEDS to be told that by a psychologist.

If you want to show him this post?
I have had lifespan development as an undergrad psychology major, and I *can* say that he probably should not be putting such expectations on the child until about age 7 or 8.

A 3-year old needs to learn self-confidence.
The result of your husband's " discipline " will be to:

-Make the boy very inclined to nervousness and shyness.
-Make him very cautious and perfectionistic.
-Cause him to feel ashamed and guilty.

In other words, husband won't make a soldier out of him, husband will make him a bit of a wreck, guilty, terrified and probably also resentful of authority figures.

Dead Link Removed

Neatness can be imparted later, and in gradual stages.
My suggestion on that would be to let the boy help with mechanical projects or do other things in which lack of precision will cause failure of the project.
Intrinsic motivation works WAY better than any other learning method.

I ALSO note that my mom abused me mentally and physically in the context of getting me to do chores?
After a year of her doing chores for her...sometimes for a couple hours at a stretch, at age 6, I realized there was no way to get out of getting slapped in the face and screamed at.
No matter how hard I tried to please her, it was what he really wanted to do.
So I resolved to make her angry as fast as possible. Then she'd get it over with and send me to my room to play.
Since I got hit less in my room, it's where I wanted to be anyway.

Had my mother thanked me profusely rather than criticizing me mercilessly? And praised me even MORE when I did it more in line with the way she wanted it done?
By the time I was 8 she could have made a perfectly-willing house slave out of me.
All I wanted was her affection and approval and big expressions of love and I could not get that.
I would have worked so much if it got me love.

I offer my mother's mistakes as food for thought. Positive reinforcement works SO much better, if you can figure out how.

 

[EveHarrington]

Your son could very well end up the exact way that your husband is trying to avoid as a direct result of your husbands behavior.

I feel bad for your son.

It seems like your husband is terrorizing him------telling him he'll have to go out into a thunderstorm? That's terrifying for a young child.

 

[sun seeker]

Well, sometimes he is just being rude. Like when there was a thunder storm and the kid was afraid and he freaked out and yelled at the boy to stop crying or he would made him stand out there in the storm.

That is neither PTSD nor being a strict parent. That is cruelty. It could seriously scar a small child. He is asking something way too advanced for a three year old to be capable of.

I would suggest some books on parenting and a parenting class if he would be willing to go.

 

[Mytime]

I just want to say, that as parents we all make mistakes. But learning is apart of parenting. I'm not going to say, this is right and this is wrong. Because I feel you already know. But I am going to say, kids learn through play. Their brains develop by touch,sight,taste,sound, emotional support, love, music and play. They are taught , empathy, kindness, integrity, respect, manners.ect. This is there time to learn and experience life in the purest way. If you want them to clean up. Make it a game or a clean up song. To get a child to put his toys away again and again will interfere with their development, not only their self-esteem . I am by no means saying your being a bad mother. Your being a great mother. Because you know what your husband is doing is wrong. Your kids must come first. Not your husband or PTSD.

 

[Virtues]

And what is even worse he realized he overreacted later but he did not tell him he was sorry. I am really ashamed to talk about this. He promised me he is not going to do this again, but I think he is afraid he won't be an authority for the boy anymore if he tells him he is sorry....

First off I think he IS overreacting for a 3 year old (this is my opinion, as I'm sure many, many here will agree with me)

However, I will say this: In the military (as a leader) we have been trained to make quick decisions, decisions that often wind up costing someone there life. We don't always make the right decision but ANY decision is better than the lack of a decision made on the battlefield. And once we make a decision we are committed to following through with it. It sounds to me like his PTSD is just spilling over into the home life in every way possible. He needs to bring these issues up in therapy like now. It sounds to me like he is doing everything he can to keep his family from falling apart, not realizing that the harder he tries the more he crumbles it to pieces.