Partner regularly forgets triggers... what do i do?

[skt92]

I am new to the site. I found this whole trying to find information and advice about those living with PTSD who struggle in relationships.

In particular, my partner of 2 and a half years regularly forgets many of my triggers. Over the years I have explicitly discussed the traumas and life long abuses I've endured, and before we moved in together he had seen me slip into flashbacks, panic attacks, etc many times.

But after living together for a year now, he will still forget for important triggers. A very big one is me being alone with someone who is extremely drunk. When it happened again this past week, I had to stay at a friends house because I felt so threatened and uncomfortable and unsafe. I was able to use some skills from DBT to avoid slipping into flashbacks, but I couldn't stay in that place with him.

We have talked about couples counseling before, but after having multiple discussions of why it hurts that he can't remember (or doesn't seem to try to remember) my triggers, I'm wondering if therapy is even worth it. There has been a huge shift between us and I don't feel comfortable alone with him .

Any advice?

 

[bellbird]

Welcome :) First of all, good on you for making the decision to stay at your friend's house, and for using the skills you've learnt to ground yourself.

threatened and uncomfortable and unsafe

I couldn't stay in that place with him

I don't feel comfortable alone with him

These are huge red flags. Personally, I would think about leaving the relationship. I know that it's a massive step to take (I left a 2 and a half year abusive relationship at the end of last year) but safety is such an important thing in a relationship, particularly for someone with PTSD.
I didn't feel safe with my ex either either.
We never got couples counselling but I considered it for the longest time. In the end I decided it wasn't worth it and with the help of wonderful friends I was able to build up the courage to leave (something I never thought I would be able to do). It was probably one of the most terrifying decisions I've ever made but I'm grateful for it every day. I never realised how much stress the relationship was truely causing until I was completely out of that situation.

Something my counselor told me when I was talking to her about wanting to do couples counselling: the couples counselor can only work with what the clients show up with. If he shows up as nonchalant and dismissive (which is how I read him as from your post), then it's very possible you won't get what you 'want' from the counselling sessions, and may end up more hurt.
I'm not trying to persuade you to leave, but I really encourage you (and it seems like you already have started to) think critically about the situation.
-what would you say to a friend who was in a similar situation?

You deserve to feel safe and happy.
Wishing you well.

 

[skt92]

Thank you so much for your insight.

If a friend was telling me the same thing, I'd probably tell her to really consider leaving. I am also lucky to have truly supportive friends - many of which have been telling me to leave him for a couple months now.

I am terrified to end things. Part of me wants to give him the chance and go through couples counseling, because I don't want to just end it and hurt him; but the other part of me is telling me that he's already have tons of chances, and if I'm still not comfortable being around him then I need to take care of myself.

I have a very strong feeling that I will feel relieved by ending the relationship. But I worry so much about him that I feel like I couldn't put him through that. I'm very torn.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think if you require someone who doesn’t get drunk, it’s important to find a partner who doesn’t drink or only drinks moderately. The moment you figure out that a potential partner gets drunk, dump them.

 

[Teasel]

I have a very strong feeling that I will feel relieved by ending the relationship. But I worry so much about him that I feel like I couldn't put him through that. I'm very torn.

It sounds like you're a lovely person who doesn't like to hurt others and that's commendable. I do think a lot of people stay in relationships they are not happy in / put up with behaviour that frightens them because they don't want to hurt their partner. Including myself. I've been with a man who is abusive when he drinks for 17 years. The relationship has gotten worse and worse and worse as the years have gone on. I so very dearly wish I had left him earlier on and do sincerely hope you decide your well being is more important than that of a partner who continues to frighten you despite you explaining the triggers.
Best to you

 

[skt92]

Wow. All of you have given great advice. Thank you so, so much.

For the time being, I won’t end the relationship. I know I would regret not trying couples counseling first, but I also want to be able to protect myself. I want to start saving up enough money so that I can afford a place of my own, and I can’t do that right now. I had a moment of realization the other day and thought, if I’m dong to end this relationship I want to exhaust every avenue and work my ass off to fully support myself when that day comes. I want to believe that he deserves the benefit of couples counseling, but my gut tells me it won’t do much. But I can use that time to prepare myself.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want to add that people either care or they don’t. Therapy isn’t going to make this guy suddenly care about you.

 

[Suzetig]

A very big one is me being alone with someone who is extremely drunk.

To be honest, someone who is extremely drunk can be deeply unpleasant - there’s a huge difference between someone having a couple of drink socially or to relax and being extremely drunk in my mind. If he’s drinking to that extent regularly there may be an underlying issue around his use of alcohol and you need to be honest about whether that’s ever going to change.

I agree with @EveHarrington, if you know someone’s drinking habits are difficult for you, it seems important to be with someone who doesn’t drink to excess at all. If your current partner isn’t that person you need to leave.

 

[Friday]

This may easily sound harsh, but it’s not meant to be, it is absolutely the best advice I could possibly give or have ever been given:

Learn to manage your own triggers.

Sometimes that very simply means having a backup plan for when you get triggered that you can immediately kick into place. Both because it takes some serious time & work to blunt triggers &/or process trauma to the point that what used to be a trigger or stressor no longer affects you... it’s not like just wanting to not be affected by them works, or none of us would have them... and even after all that work is done, sometimes something can just thump you out of the blue. So when PlanA fails (getting ourselves immediately in hand), have a planB so we’re not taking out our shit on the people around us.

Other times that may mean things not not dating anyone who drinks, even socially, if you’ve decided that you simply don’t want alcohol in your life, full stop.

Making other people responsible for our triggers not only adds a layer of (pointless) helplessness to our own lives, but it’s an impossible standard to lay on others. Even if our partners are trying their hardest, and walking on eggshells, and gutting themselves / curtailing their own lives to attempt not to make us mad (sounds abusive, doesn’t it? It very, very easily becomes exactly that)... they are going to trigger us sometimes. That’s not their fault. They didn’t cause our trauma. They didn’t give us this disorder. They can’t do anything to fix this disorder, or direct our reactions / behavior. That piece? Is on us. Also not our fault, but is IS our responsibility. Not our partners, kids, neighbors, colleagues, person walking down the street. Being triggered? Means they haven’t done anything to us... we are the ones overreacting... responding to the present like it’s the past.

GOOD NEWS >>>

It usually takes people who run away longer to learn to control themselves than people whose instinct is to punch someone in the face. But it’s the same fight/flight response. If the guy you triggered walking down the street -by pushing your hair behind your ear- can not grab you by the throat and smash your face into a wall? You can learn not to have to flee your home in terror. To not even feel the terror anymore. It takes time, and hard work, but learning to manage your triggers? does work.

 

[skt92]

This may easily sound harsh, but it’s not meant to be, it is absolutely the best advice I could possib...

I understand your intent with this post. I am in DBT and have made lots of lifestyle changes in the past six months. I know that change doesn't come over night - it's a lot of really, really hard work for people with trauma or PTSD.

However, this is a problem that continues to arise. I can use my skills to usually prevent myself from slipping into flashbacks or panic attacks, but when my partner straight up forgets my triggers repeatedly - or just doesn't even think about me when he does things like getting excessively drunk - that feels like a disregard for my well-being.

 

[Suzetig]

I guess though if he’s getting drunk he won’t be thinking about your well-being, he’s busy getting drunk and by the time he’s on the way, he isn’t thinking of you.

I agree completely with @Friday - it’s our job to manage our own triggers. That’s not a very popular view on the boards here but really the more control you have over your stuff the better. He’s not necessarily doing anything wrong getting very drunk - unless it forms part of a pattern of substance misuse as I said before - your reaction to that is yours and it sounds like you were able to find a way through.

If it’s truly impacting your life, you need to consider whether you can be with someone who drinks, which would be you setting a boundary for yourself in terms of what’s ok for you in a relationship. You honestly can’t control anyone else - only your reaction and response to their behaviour.

 

[Nessa7]

I have a very strong feeling that I will feel relieved by ending the relationship. But I worry so much about him that I feel like I couldn't put him through that. I'm very torn.

Have you looked into anything dealing with codependency? There's a lot of things that you've said in this thread that is setting off warning alarm bells with me, but it really shows in the bit I quoted. How your partner responds to the end of your relationship is up to him. You cannot remain in a relationship to avoid hurting him.