Personal Trauma Diary - Incest Abuse By Brother

[trauma_deer]

Hi guys. I'm female & 46. I just thought i'd share my story as i didn't do it in the introductions. now i'm not sure where to put it. i welcome any feedback and particularly if anyone else has been abused by a significant other in their life, i would like to add, you are not alone, as you may well know from being here :) When i was 10 years old I broke into a high school with an adventurous friend. Naughty thing to do yes, but it was kinda unlocked - as they did back then almost 40 years ago. Everything was unlocked. anyway, after we stole a couple of things (highlighters & sticky notes mainly - they were knew then :) we hiked on outta there & went home and giggled about our stash. Now, what i did not realise is that my brother (5 years older, so around 14-15 at the time) followed us like the creep that he is. He began to tell me stories such as the police have been driving around looking for 2 girls who broke into the school - in fact, he said, they are coming back to talk to him and see if he has "more knowledge" about us little offenders. I fell for it - the cops? i was stressed to the Max. In the end he used this to bait me. "Here do this - do that". I was frozen, literally, in terror, both with the abuse and the threat of the police. i didn't tell a soul and it went on for a couple of years and finally stopped when he got a girlfriend, which is before i started high school. i kept it secret until i couldn't bare it - at 24 i told one person, at 26 years another & over the years the story emerged & was able to seek therapy. i get flashbacks & then i totally dissociate - perform at ritual even - & it always involves moving things around that just need to be sorted, but i get overwhelmed and then develop a panic attack and then after i calm down i am always finding i am brushing my teeth. i realise this is exactly what i did back then - dissociated, panicked, tried to stem the tears, tried to hide the horror. once i was able to collect myself (back then) what did i do after an attack? i brushed my teeth. talk about repeat trauma, i'm there. but i'm finding my way out by trying to help sooth myself. that's it. thanks for reading if you made it this far :)

 

[Killashandra]

Thank you for sharing and opening up to us. As hard as it is. It is a truly horrible thing for your brother to do and I hope he rots in hell for all eternity.

Yes we do tend to follow coping mechanisms that were learnt while being abused. It's a sad fact but happily something we can do something about now. As you probably know through therapy. Which I am very glad you were able to find.

Everyone has different ways of soothing and we brainstorm and discuss diffeence ways here.

Each of us here are at different stages of recovery, so shout out if you need a hand with anything.

We're here to support encourage laugh and live :hug: :laugh:

All the best

Killa ☺

 

[trauma_deer]

thank you @Killashandra for your kind words. it means a lot to me so thank you :) :)

 

[elektriknathan]

thank you for sharing your story, i was not sexually abused but i was physically and emotionally
cannot begin to know what you are suffering from
i do hope you can rise above the pain and sorrow

 

[Toriplays]

Oh my, I could relate to your story. My brother was is also 4 years older and it started at age 10 and lasted until I was 12. He did it under the guise of telling me about the birds and the bees. He exposed me to pornography and groomed me.
My husband doesn't even know about this.
It was such a betrayal because he was my best friend. We did everything together.
I still feel close to him and I've forgiven him but it really hurt.
He has a very prestigious career and everyone loves him.
I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore.
Thank you for sharing your story. You helped me share mine.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

I hate that this happened to you. I understand the ferling in that I had a sister who used me to please various boyfriends who wanted to see sisters together, and her husband as well.. this went on from age 6 on... so, you made it through, keep going despite what he did. It wasn't your fault!

 

[Toriplays]

I hate that this happened to you. I understand the ferling in that I had a sister who used me t...

The most difficult part was that I felt the brother I loved and adored died when he crossed that line. I miss who he used to be before he abandoned me.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

The most difficult part was that I felt the brother I loved and adored died when he crossed that line...

It's so hard wanting a person to not have done what they did... sometimes as we heal we see why they were so distorted that they did it, or find that they were just sick. Either way, you have to grieve for loss of your brother, the one you had prior to, and loss of you prior to.. it sucks. You can get through it, you've already come this far after all. Stay safe.

 

[Toriplays]

It's so hard wanting a person to not have done what they did... sometimes as we heal we see why...

I'm sorry your sister did that to you. It's horrible the way she took advantage and exploited you. Sending you healing energy too Sunshineturtle.
I like your name :)

 

[Sunshineturtle]

I'm sorry your sister did that to you. It's horrible the way she took advantage and exploited you. Se...

Thank you Toriplays . I am still conflicted towards my feelings towards her. She was sick. At times she tried to save me from abuse, at times she was the abuser. She to was a victim as a child. We suffered together I suppose, but she did some horrible things to me as well. More than I have shared. As for my name, I love turtles.

 

[Toriplays]

Thank you Toriplays . I am still conflicted towards my feelings towards her. She was sick. At ti...

Sunshineturtle, I know what you mean. My brother was sexually abused when we were in foster care. My brother took care of me and found food for us when we were left to our own devices. I understand those conflicted feelings. All of this is so confusing isn't it?

 

[Sunshineturtle]

Toriplays, yes ... confusing, frustrating, anger provoking.. she did horrible things to me, for decades. Enough that I have DID, and am now just remembering through EMDR and brain spotting. If she didn't directly do them she allowed them or brought me to them. So, it's so conflicting. I want to love her but I can't. I never got to confront it (not that she would have admitted anything or that I would have confronted her honestly) because she was murdered. So many layers...