Painful procedure done at clinic this morning (pelvic stuff)...I don't want to talk about it, but trying to keep positive because it should be helpful beyond initial pain. My painkillers aren't lasting long enough through bad cramping (doesn't help that I have been a ball of tension for a couple weeks). Lots of stretching, pushing against cushions, squeezing stuff, and leaving the option of kicking a hole in something (I've already decided what I won't miss if I need to wreck it).My doctor is patient and knows I'm a sort of wimp or hypersensitive, but truth is I just can't take any more pain meds for a while and I have the brains to stick it out. I can't tolerate any of that pain-mindfulness b.s. right now...though I appreciate that concept for milder pain.
I'm pushing away the garage floor as I type. Good I don't want to destroy myself, just a piece of old shitty property or something. It's my stuff and I will wreck it!!!!! (I was the kid who hid a lot, but also just said "F%CK IT!" with my whole body and put holes in a door and a couple windows...now I'm feeling childish and powerful that I own property and won't get in trouble for wrecking stuff). Though tempting, I'm opposed to smashing or breaking glass or throwing things since a parent was into that and seemed like freaky lack of control. But somehow kicking out doors or breaking windows is my thing...and makes good sense. ? Okay, this post is all about wrecking stuff. Feels good just to imagine it!!! And a shred of humor is helping me keep perspective. Probably I'll get by without wrecking stuff, but really appreciating the power of my imagination right now (and releasing tension and/or feelings of being trapped in any non-destructive way I can). Not sure why I'm posting or what I'm asking for, but it's like a rational step between me and wrecking stuff...though not talking myself out of it because I have some pretty good garbage I could mess up, even a window. Just not sure if it would actually relieve the pain or just intensify the rush (in somatic experiencing we do stuff slowly and don't actually wreck stuff, but horrid pain makes me aware that I'm open to anything that can keep me safe or like I don't need to overdose on anything this afternoon). One hour until I can take more meds...killin' time!!!!
I'm pushing away the garage floor as I type. Good I don't want to destroy myself, just a piece of old shitty property or something. It's my stuff and I will wreck it!!!!! (I was the kid who hid a lot, but also just said "F%CK IT!" with my whole body and put holes in a door and a couple windows...now I'm feeling childish and powerful that I own property and won't get in trouble for wrecking stuff). Though tempting, I'm opposed to smashing or breaking glass or throwing things since a parent was into that and seemed like freaky lack of control. But somehow kicking out doors or breaking windows is my thing...and makes good sense. ? Okay, this post is all about wrecking stuff. Feels good just to imagine it!!! And a shred of humor is helping me keep perspective. Probably I'll get by without wrecking stuff, but really appreciating the power of my imagination right now (and releasing tension and/or feelings of being trapped in any non-destructive way I can). Not sure why I'm posting or what I'm asking for, but it's like a rational step between me and wrecking stuff...though not talking myself out of it because I have some pretty good garbage I could mess up, even a window. Just not sure if it would actually relieve the pain or just intensify the rush (in somatic experiencing we do stuff slowly and don't actually wreck stuff, but horrid pain makes me aware that I'm open to anything that can keep me safe or like I don't need to overdose on anything this afternoon). One hour until I can take more meds...killin' time!!!!
