Piecing things together

[Jade-]

What would happen if you just completely back away from focusing on your husband,your marriage, your problems,etc? Is there a possibility that he may actually step up to the plate to try to make some true changes?

It sounds like you are the one that's trying so hard to make changes,to make things work and he simply doesn't seem to care.

You can't force him to be who and what you want him to be.And he has no reason to make any changes because regardless of how upset you get,how much you argue,you're always still right there.

It's like you're caught in a vicious cycle with him.The more you push the more he pulls the other way.

I'm just curious what it would be like if you had a DGAF attitude and stuck with it,at least for a few months.Act like you don't need him at all,don't care what he does or doesn't do,contain your reactions,live as though it doesn't matter to you one little bit whether the marriage lasts or not.

I have a feeling he might step up to the plate if you did that.He doesn't have to right now.

I wish I had taken my own advice before things escalated and went too far to turn back around.

I do believe you love him and I do believe things could turn around for you.But something has to change because the way you're handling it now clearly isn't working.

I hope I haven't offended you.It's just that I can see so much of my own problems in yours.And the same way I flipped flopped back and forth about my husband and justified his behavior in my mind because of his health issues I see you doing the same with your husband's ADHD.

Surely he had it when you met? When you married? All through the years? Was it always the way it is now or has it got worse?Was he ever capable of doing/being what you wanted and needed?What's changed?

My husband wasn't always who/how he is and has been since the health issues so that aspect is different from your situation. But when did things really change for the 2 of you?What's at the core of all of this? I have a feeling there's much that you don't talk about here,way more going on behind the scenes that you don't share.I sense some extremely deep rooted problems going on and I think maybe that's why you're so easily hurt and distraught?

I could be way off and if I am I apologize.But I can see and sense so much more going on.More than your PTSD and his ADHD.

 

[HealingMama]

What would happen if you just completely back away from focusing on your husband,your marriage, your problems,etc? Is there a possibility that he may actually step up to the plate to try to make some true changes?

It sounds like you are the one that's trying so hard to make changes,to make things work and he simply doesn't seem to care.

You can't force him to be who and what you want him to be.And he has no reason to make any changes because regardless of how upset you get,how much you argue,you're always still right there.

It's like you're caught in a vicious cycle with him.The more you push the more he pulls the other way.

I'm just curious what it would be like if you had a DGAF attitude and stuck with it,at least for a few months.Act like you don't need him at all,don't care what he does or doesn't do,contain your reactions,live as though it doesn't matter to you one little bit whether the marriage lasts or not.

I have a feeling he might step up to the plate if you did that.He doesn't have to right now.

I wish I had taken my own advice before things escalated and went too far to turn back around.

I do believe you love him and I do believe things could turn around for you.But something has to change because the way you're handling it now clearly isn't working.

I hope I haven't offended you.It's just that I can see so much of my own problems in yours.And the same way I flipped flopped back and forth about my husband and justified his behavior in my mind because of his health issues I see you doing the same with your husband's ADHD.

Surely he had it when you met? When you married? All through the years? Was it always the way it is now or has it got worse?Was he ever capable of doing/being what you wanted and needed?What's changed?

My husband wasn't always who/how he is and has been since the health issues so that aspect is different from your situation. But when did things really change for the 2 of you?What's at the core of all of this? I have a feeling there's much that you don't talk about here,way more going on behind the scenes that you don't share.I sense some extremely deep rooted problems going on and I think maybe that's why you're so easily hurt and distraught?

I could be way off and if I am I apologize.But I can see and sense so much more going on.More than your PTSD and his ADHD.

That's good advice. Basically be avoidant myself for a while. I mean, it is good advice in the sense it would work but I feel like that is playing games. I need to coordinate with him to parent.

He says he's saturated and unable to give anything else but doesn't want to end the relationship. I don't understand that. It makes me feel used. If you don't want to work on the relationship to make it healthy then why are you here.

There's ADHD and CPTSD and lots of trauma.

He wasn't like this until we married. He was under "romantic hyperfocusing" so he didn't function as his true self but it lasted a really long time, until we were legally married then everything changed. Sometimes I wonder if he is a sociopath and that's why it changed, he suddenly hooked me and I couldn't get away and has been manipulating me ever since.

I don't like thinking like that. Because of my upbringing I am suspicious of other people wanting to hurt me which makes it difficult to gauge his intentions sometimes. Im inclined to think it isn't true, but I don't really know.

Regardless, I have to stay for my sons sake, at least for a while. But I am going to try to hold back as you said. My problem is I forget how often I get burned, I get lulled into a space of hope and try to build a bridge and he doesn't trust it or something plus he's super avoidant anyway, and then I'm hurt all over again. I don't know how to remember to stop putting myself in this position. I know that sounds weird but my attachment system is jacked up so I forget the boundaries I am trying to use which is ufking embarrassing.

 

[Jade-]

I don't see it as "playing games".It's not really any different than what you're already doing which is trying any conceivable way to get things to change.It's just a different tactic is all.And one that may very well make a difference. You have tried everything else already.Why not give up that fight,that losing fight?

 

[HealingMama]

I don't see it as "playing games".It's not really any different than what you're already doing which is trying any conceivable way to get things to change.It's just a different tactic is all.And one that may very well make a difference. You have tried everything else already.Why not give up that fight,that losing fight?

Because I will forget that I'm using this strategy. I've made all kinds of decisions about changing my approach then I don't carry it through consistently. I don't know how to fix that.

 

[Jade-]

Because I will forget that I'm using this strategy. I've made all kinds of decisions about changing my approach then I don't carry it through consistently. I don't know how to fix that.

Have you tried leaving yourself notes? Emailing or texting yourself a daily reminder?setting a little reminder as your phones wallpaper? Putting an "X" on your hand with a permanent marker? Journaling a reminder as you have your morning coffee?Post-it notes on your fridge?Painting one fingernail a different color as a reminder when you see it? Notes in your car?Under your pillow? Notes on your yoga mat? In the bathroom?Inside a cereal box?

I've done all of the above,especially when I had parts,that way I could remember the important things until they came easily or became habit.

 

[HealingMama]

Have you tried leaving yourself notes? Emailing or texting yourself a daily reminder?setting a little reminder as your phones wallpaper? Putting an "X" on your hand with a permanent marker? Journaling a reminder as you have your morning coffee?Post-it notes on your fridge?Painting one fingernail a different color as a reminder when you see it? Notes in your car?Under your pillow? Notes on your yoga mat? In the bathroom?Inside a cereal box?

I've done all of the above,especially when I had parts,that way I could remember the important things until they came easily or became habit.

I have tried calendar reminders but they didn't work across time. I will keep trying other things. Maybe have a conference with my protector and say hey instead of fight mode please be in charge of helping me emotionally check out of this marriage.

 

[HealingMama]

We had a conversation. According to him it isn't that he "doesn't care". It is that he is "broken" and feels that nothing he does has any influence so he would just as soon do nothing. He would rather agree to a sexless relationship than try to work together to solve our issues. He has no interest in addressing his own avoidant attachment. He doesn't care that the reason sex stopped is because I was tired of always initiating.

I don't believe that his actions have no influence but he is correct that he can't magically tick the right boxes to never have any negative feedback from me, which I guess is what he means.

I have learned from experience when I back off from the marriage, he just feels better. He doesn't actually work on anything. It's not important to him. He just cares about being comfortable. He doesn't want to grow. I should never have married a person that doesn't want to grow and work on themselves.

I am going to try to shift my perspective to one of utility. He is free childcare. He will help pack for a move. That's about it. But that's something. I really do not want to live with this emotionally unavailable man anymore.

 

[HealingMama]

My husband says I am inconsistent in the partnership with what I say I need, and how to provide it. He acts like I should be a plug and play Machi where he enters the right code and gets the same response each time. I am not a computer.

I don't know how much of that is normal, and how much is my "stuff." Having child parts out, then not out, having a protector that uses seduction and then a different one that uses anger. I think my personality structure is disorganized around him. It really doesn't seem to be like that around others at least not to this extent. Sometimes I feel trapped behind a wall in social settings as discussed previously.

Those parts started coming out and unraveling because he was loving originally, because he was emotionally safe.

And now he isn't at all, and I can't get them back in the box. I just keep suffering over and over trying to heal, and I can't, because there's no longer anything to anchor to.

I don't know how to get everyone to stop trusting him. He cannot meet my needs. He cannot be there for me. He cannot help us. I wish he had never gotten me to open up to him in this way.

 

[HealingMama]

I think my marriage is a trauma bond.

That explains why I want comfort from the same person that isolates, abandons me and withholds what I've plainly said that I need.

I need to stop seeking comfort from the person that creates so much pain.

I need to stop hurting myself to understand, to fix, to prove my worth. Clearly, he doesn't see my worth. So, I need to go where i don't have to beg for attention and care.

I believe that i have a new online friend who will easily become an emotional affair, but my husband wants no part of an emotional relationship so he probably wouldn't even care.

 

[HealingMama]

My husband accused me of picking a fight because I'm jealous of my stepkids... Who are visiting two days from now. It was three days away when he said it.

He thinks that, rather than me being hurt that he forgot our plan to connect sexually and wanting to see if that matters to him, I have some elaborate sabotage in mind.

Except why would I do that three days before they come? Makes no sense.

So, I said I'm done talking to him about anything but parenting stuff if that's what he thinks is going on.

Everything is some deeper issue in me according to him rather than normal reactions to problems.

What wife wouldn't feel hurt if her husband said hey this sex was fun, let's finish before you go out of town, and then he didn't pursue the issue further and upon questioning she learns it is because he literally forgot? How little must I matter if the thing that guys supposedly want so much isn't important to have with me, in one of the few times we are getting along?

But no, my hurt is not real. I'm just trying to sabotage his family time three days away.

So crazy making.

I took a yoga class today and am doing some other self care stuff. I was supposedly going to get my official job offer yesterday but didn't get it. Kind of hard to find a new place to live when I can't be sure exactly when I will be needed in the new city.

 

[HealingMama]

I slept like 9 hours the last two nights. Very much needed.

Interesting I notice that I feel much more competent when I am traveling alone. Less anxious. When traveling with my partner I get very anxious and nervous. Wonder what that is about.

I've also been reading about BPD, wondering again if that's my problem. I don't really have the "feelings of emptiness" or difficulty being alone. I relish being alone.

I do struggle with last minute changes. I do sadly have to be vigilant to not have "special occasion meltdowns". I think it is the deviation from routine, and I hate this about myself.

I know that I am afraid to be happy. I don't mind feeling calm, but happy? Happy is setting me up for pain.

Thinking about my mother's narcissism, sadly I am aware of occasions where I am talking with a friend and they share some good news, some happy accomplishment or something, and I have this internal implosion, like my emotional system defaults to disappointment that it is their turn, and I really hate this about myself. It doesn't happen all the time. Maybe it is a certain childlike part that has this experience, or an internalized representation of my mother. But it goes against the person I want to be. It doesn't happen too much anymore but it still bothers me that I have this reaction at all.

I really don't have any of the traditional lady life stuff together. I have done nothing to plan Christmas dinner this year. Presents haven't been wrapped. I am so overwhelmed at home that getting it together for Christmas dinner for 7 people is just beyond me. When you're used to cooking for 3 how do you make food for 7 people? My feminine caretaking skills are subpar. I find it so overwhelming. Even my son's birthday, planning and organizing any large event just sounds exhausting. How do people do it?

 

[somerandomguy]

Interesting I notice that I feel much more competent when I am traveling alone. Less anxious. When traveling with my partner I get very anxious and nervous.

Same. I think it's just that travelling x1, if there's a problem, is relatively easy to fix. Problems with x2 or x3 or x4 is really worrying!

I do struggle with last minute changes. I do sadly have to be vigilant to not have "special occasion meltdowns". I think it is the deviation from routine, and I hate this about myself.

You're definitely not alone. I've always been this way. My parents were VERY rigid in every way and would have meltdowns themselves when confronted with last minute changes.

May I suggest ... It's not worth hating yourself over? It's something LOTS of people struggle with. It's worth working on, and it's worth feeling guilty about when you have a meltdown, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. And it's something you're aware of.

I have done nothing to plan Christmas dinner this year. Presents haven't been wrapped. I am so overwhelmed at home that getting it together for Christmas dinner for 7 people is just beyond me.

I know about 20 women, including my wife, who would be insanely jealous that you just don't do the emotional labor of your household. It's something that I feel really guilty about, but my wife takes care of 99% of that stuff in our house, and it's a major problem here.