General Pity Party - Table For One.

[Livy's Mom]

I get it... But I still don't get it. Why is he so damn mean and cold to ONLY me?!?! It's starting to make me believe that oh my god maybe it is me?!?! He's got everyone else convinced, why not join the parade of people who think I'm a lunatic. Ugh.

We are in month 3 now operation family decimation. PTSD is winning the battle I do believe. I can't recall if it felt this hopeless last time but it always feels like the worst time doesn't it.

We haven't gone more than 3 months like this before. As the time approaches I think about that like its some sort of flaming gory finish line where the love, memories, plans and dreams go to die and resentment and bitterness are born.

Thoughts about the likelihood of a life without him start creeping in my head like "I wonder if I'll date again now that I'm a single mom?" Or it's more depressing cousin thought "please god don't make me have to go on match.com and write up and about me section...please!" Followed by "he's the only man to see my body post baby...I can't show anyone my post baby body?!" Now and again I dabble in the torture of having hear he has another woman. Ugh... It sends shivers down my spine.

He's as cold and mean to me today as he was the day he initiated the surprise exit. I've remained calm, kind and kept it together on my own with our little one. Financially, emotionally he left us to rot but I keep moving.

A month in he finally agreed to have a civil mediated conversation which in and of itself was weird for me and felt unjust... What was being mediated? From the day he left I never counter attacked. I never responded with aggression even when I REALLY wanted to. I didn't get the lawyer, I didn't run my mouth to all the people we know about how he abandoned his daughter, I didn't let the mortgage go unpaid... I was to busy trying to keep our life from falling apart to give him the kick in the balls I could have. Mediated?!?! A mediator for you and the crazy stories you have telling yourself about me and our relationship maybe. He's been fighting with himself for almost 3 months..

So where am I now. I am still the enemy. It's still all my fault.

Tonight after a 2 week no call no show with the little one he comes to the house for a visit and acts like he's doing her and I a favor. How lucky we should be to see him.

Anyway... I guess now I'm somewhere between numb, fury and acceptance. I cry less during the day and sometimes have small windows of joy and possibility. Friends have mostly dropped me like a bad habit and ignored me because lord knows they can't understand it. I get that.

I'll close out my pity party now but I think what I'm looking for tonight is some thoughts and insight into why I'm
The ONLY problem.

No need to sugar coat anything to make me feel better. I'm pretty strong and the faster I get to acceptance the better off the little one and I will be. Getting to acceptance is a win win for us. If he never comes out of this then we are good... And if he does, well we are even better.

Sending love and hope and kindness to my fellow supporters tonight. If you don't need it today just go ahead and stash it in your pocket for a later date. Lord knows the day will come again that you could use it. It almost always does.

 

[Stickler]

Hmm...scapegoating ( blaming you for his problems ) , gaslighting ( convincing you you are nuts), demonizing you to friends/family... Huh.
That's the sort of stuff you'd expect out of someone with narcissistic issues or some other sort of personality disorder issues, methinks...
...More things one would expect to see in someone with a PD? Personality disorders vary widely, you'd have to look through the criterion...

One scenario:

He's a fairly laid-back sociopathic guy...and he got bored of you. Got bored of the whole scene, maybe found someone far more fun to be with.
But NOBODY in his social circle would give him a free pass from walking away from his wife and kid because he found playing daddy boring.

So he has to demonize you to make himself look human, sympathetic, pitiable...oh the poor man with is monster ex-wife...boo-hoo...
OR: he might be terrified he's going to hurt you...and still being an asshole, he's too proud to admit it and get help? So he has to blame you for that.

OR: he has a secret life you have no idea he has...evidence for this would be mystery finances or unexplained pasts...
OR: he might be becoming a dope fiend...
OR...

At any rate, he's chosen to take a hike and make you look to blame when you were never even told there was a problem...much less given ANY opportunity to fix it.
He doesn't get to blame you for lack of mind reading skills.
He's full of horseshit,m'dear.

 

[Stickler]

...I want to add...get a lawyer.

Don't be kind. Now, don't be brutal either? Just get the divorce rolling if you have not and get child support ordered by the court.

Think...professional. Handle him with the sort of cool reserve you would handle a difficult person at your job who had the potential to cause you problems.

Have as little to do with this dude as possible, he's playing very nasty head games.

I do have a hunch that he was shamming, to some degree? This is the real him now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Emotional numbing... Or normalizing by making you "crazy" too... Those could be coping mechanisms for his PTSD. Who knows? God forbid he blames himself for leaving, so he's got to blame you, right?

I think a lot of "healthy" people pull some of this garbage too. Have you ever noticed how everybody's ex is a crazy bitch? Or unstable? Or a dirtbag? It's never them... Always the ex. If there were that many crazy bitches in the world, this whole place would be on fire!

Could it be his PTSD... Oh yeah. Probably so, and probably with some "normal" breakup immaturity thrown in on top for some extra fun.

Ugggg good luck girl. (((Hugs)))

 

[Purplemunchkin]

It doesn't matter why he's doing it, the fact is he is doing it. He is unreliable in every way that matters.

You need to get you and your daughter some lawyer-shaped protection. The sooner the better, so he can't come back later and say "if I was that bad why didn't you do anything about it sooner?"

If he gets help/treatment and demonstrates he wants to get better in the future, and you want to give it another try, you can revisit the situation then. But if gets worse, if decides to argue that you are keeping his daughter from him (you aren't, but what evidence do you have of that), or plays other mean and nasty tricks, then you'll be covered.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's true. You should see a lawyer about drawing up a temporary parenting plan while you are separated... At the very least. If he doesn't exercise his visitation or custody rights after that, then he has no excuse.