General Posting As A Carer And Sufferer - Healing My Son

[becvan]

Thanks everyone.

I haven't really posted much in here as I've been struggling with severe depression for a bit. So.. sorry about the one line answers!

I take Matt to his follow-up psych appointment today. For some reason I'm really nervous about it. She is the same psych that was head of Matt's team in the hospital and it wasn't the best experience there. I'm not sure if I'm expected to go in with him or not (I don't join Matt in therapy so that Matt can have his privacy to open up.) I'm not sure what I'm supposed to talk about either! Pretty funny considering I have to deal with my psych for the same reasons!

I'm sure she will extend his prescription for medication. I can't tell them much about school since the school are being idiots. Matt has only gone outside to play once but that is an improvement.

Ugh, I think I'm worrying too much! I will update after the appointment!

bec

 

[Kathy]

After your recent experiences I can well understand your feeling anxious about the appointment! I do hope it goes well for both you and Matt, I will be thinking of you today. Not certain if you do this or not, however this is something which helps Evie get through a difficult appointment. She plans to give herself a "reward" the evening after the appointment, whether that be to rent a movie, get a special food treat, game or other small present for herself, and so on. Of course these things cost money however perhaps you may think of a reward that does not cost money? It does really help Evie tremendously. She thinks of her reward whilst at the appointment and it calms her.

 

[pandora]

I hope things work out for you and Matt today! Take Care!

 

[becvan]

Well Matt's Psych went okay. Matt's therapist also showed up. Matt's meds have been continued as he is doing so very well on them. He will see the psych again in the end of Nov. She will do follow up until we get a family doctor. She challenged Matt to go for walks by himself a few times a week to get outside. I liked that. Other than her asking why I don't drag him out more (god that was funny!) there wasn't much to the visit.

Matt then had therapy on Tuesday. Which also ended up being very funny. I wait in the waiting room for him. So when they came out, Karen (Matt's therapist) told me that Matt thought the hospital were idiots! He told her straight up his trauma is the problem and that is what he needs to deal with. Man was I proud of him. I, of course, told her I agreed and also think the hospital were idiots. So they are devising a plan for working on Matt's trauma and they will start next week! Only took a year and a half to get here! :rolleyes:

Matt did really good on Halloween. He went out with Ryan's kids for about an hour. He even went through someone's haunted house, twice! He said he really enjoyed the scare! He came back and stayed in before the other kids but I was very happy to see him make it for an hour. I was also very happy to see that he knew and recognized when his anxiety got too high and came back to calm down.

bec

 

[becvan]

I haven't written about this issue here before. I really felt that no one would get it, as it pertains to my son but is part of my PTSD and I'm really struggling with it.I spoke at length with V about it the other night and after talking about it, I decided it might also help to get view points here.

I can not see a future for Matt. When I try to think about Matt's future I just see a big blank. I can't imagine him continuing school, working, getting married etc... I know this is based on my experience and the fact that I can't see my own future. It's also from being undiagnosed since I was a teen and having to struggle through the years alone with this.

I know that Matt and I are unusual in that we both have this and that it gives us a bit of an advantage in communicating. I know that I've fought to get Matt help and that I'm his main support to get better. I know there are positives, I just can't seem to get past the feeling that his PTSD has eradicated his chances at having a normal and healthy life.

Any further input is appreciated as this really bothers me.

bec

 

[pandora]

bec.....you are getting him help...you are getting help. It is a lot different than us growing up without support, help and encouragement. You and I both are again having the same type of issue. I often think that about Devon due to his aspergers. I try to stay focused on today and realize that I am doing everything I can do to help him. It is almost like grieving a loss too. I just imagine that later in life, now and forever....I will always be there for him. I know it sucks but we are trying are best to not repeat the pattern of abuse from our own past. We are doing that.....we really should be proud of ourselves.

I think you are doing a great job! I imagine that Devon will always be with me and maybe when he is older.....I hope to have a house with an in law suite and then he can stay there.......I used to picture a big blank to but not so much anymore.

I am not sure if this helped but you are not alone and we can help and support each other. Take Care and I wish you and Matt only the best....look how far you have come and how many things you have accomplished just this year alone.

 

[Kathy]

My, I do like Karen, she sounds like such a sensible woman! I am so pleased you have her.

Now regarding your feelings about Matt. Firstly Bec, I do wonder if perhaps your thoughts are partially a PTSD symptom? As you know one characteristic of PTSD is to believe one has a shortened future or no future. Perhaps you could be extending those beliefs from yourself onto Matt?

As a social worker, I do understand your concerns as I have seen far too many cases of "wasted lives" due to lack of support, treatment, proper education and so on. However I believe I have told you before that you have already broken the cycle in my eyes, by attempting to heal yourself and make your life better. When you are happier and your life is better, Matt's will naturally be better and happier as well. You have only just begun your new life in Thunder Bay, apart from the negative influences of your relatives, and only begun to receive some decent treatment for Matt. It is far too soon to determine how Matt is going to turn out in the future. I don't believe you may even use yourself as a measuring stick as you were not receiving good treatment all these years either. I suspect the longer you are in Thunder Bay and the more you fight for yourself and Matt the better things will be in the long run for both of you.

Truly I believe in having hope, hope is a very powerful thing. When Evie was 16 a doctor told the family she could never live on her own, have a job, get married, even drive a car. Well, Evie did live on her own for 5 years, she has had a very good job, and she is going for her driver's license on Monday! I could believe that she will always need the assistance of Jim and myself, that she will always need to live very close to us and so on, however I choose not to think that way. I truly believe thinking positively about it, and telling Evie she can do whatever she wishes in life, does influence her future!

Should Matt have disabilities which prevent him from continuing school in a normal fashion or getting a "normal" job, there are agencies which help. I am assuming Thunder Bay has such an agency, which assists the disabled in getting an education and finding work. My nephew David, who has schizophrenia, was never able to finish school however he has a very good job as a sound mixer for a studio (he loves music). He retained the job through such an agency. He lives on his own in a nice apartment, close to his parents but still on his own. He makes enough money that he was able to buy his own car as well. He is very social and has a girlfriend.

I suppose I am giving you these examples Bec to show that independence and a successful life are not impossible. With a disabled person, there simply needs to be more care taken to find suitable employment and education, tailored to the person's abilities and disabilities. Please do not give up hope for Matt or yourself either. When the time comes for Matt to be independent, if you wish I will certainly try to assist you however I can. I do have some connections in Ontario, colleagues I used to work with. In any event do take care and try to think positively about both your futures.

 

[becvan]

Thanks to both of you.

Yes, the shortened sense of future is a huge PTSD symptom for me. I noticed it started to "take over" where Matt is concerned last year when things were getting really bad and we had no help.

I don't have hope. I haven't had any in a while. I had a small glimmer of it left when I moved here, hoping that therapy would help. When I realized how much of a battle getting therapy for myself is and that I might not get help, it killed my hope. Now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other to get me through.

As for Matt, I have a bit of hope. He is getting good help from Karen and the medications are working. LOL, I think that is the lifeline I'm hanging on to currently.

Thank you for the examples. It's very hard to see tomorrow right now, never mind ten years or so from now. I will keep mulling on that post, as there is a lot of food for thought.

bec

 

[Kathy]

Bec, from the bits here and there you have mentioned, I believe you are under much stress at the moment? Additionally this is a rather difficult time of year, what with the holidays coming up. Perhaps simply cut yourself some slack until things are more settled once more? Do take care, I for one am confident matters will eventually improve for the both of you.

 

[becvan]

Well Matt had another psych appointment yesterday. He's not eating, not sleeping, has extreme stomach upset etc.. all high anxiety symptoms. So his doc upped his meds. I agreed with it. It's obvious they aren't working despite Matt's best efforts. So he's now on Zoloft at 50 mg. It's still a very small dose.

I just got up awhile ago and was sitting here and Matt came down the stairs! Scared the hell out of me since it's noon. He's supposed to be at school. He slept in (major sleeping in.) So.. do I give him shit or do I let it go? I know this is all anxiety based, so I'm thinking let it slide.

Which brings me to another problem. Now both of us can't get up! Once I get to sleep, waking me up is a huge issue and now Matt is having the same problems! He goes to bed at a regular time but is having a hell of a time getting to sleep and is too tired to hear his alarm in the morning just like me! So now what? Both of us aren't waking up and this is just not a good combination!!

bec

 

[Kathy]

I hope the medication increase helps Matt. Regarding the sleeping in, I would be inclined to let it slide as well Bec, as he just had his meds increased and it is anxiety. If it starts becoming a habit then I would be concerned, however I see no harm in it happening once in a while, especially considering the circumstances.

That is a puzzle, you both sleeping in. Do you have anyone who would be willing to ring you in the morning? Not certain that would be helpful, however it is the only thing I can think of, short of a third party physically coming to your house to wake you. I do hope this is simply a temporary situation, and that you will begin to wake up again once more, after things are more settled for you again. Take good care.

 

[Sapper]

Hey Bec just finished reading your thread and wanted to say I really admire you. It can't be easy having PTSD yourself and caring for someone with PTSD at the same time. Your making the rest of us look bad. (; Joking aside, your an inspiration and there's some carers here who could take a leaf from your book.