Problems Dealing With Negative Emotions

[Deleted member 19804]

I have had trouble dealing with anger and sadness since early puberty. I bottle things up like the best of them. My antidepressants keep me from being scared all the time, but they also make me numb. Only sometimes, like one moment every few months, the emotions come spilling out a little bit. In those moments I "realize" that I am in fact not ok.

But here's the thing: I try to deal with them, write down what I'm feeling and thinking, try to accept how I feel and to be gentle with myself.. But the next day I will be disgusted with myself for my self-pity. And I will go right back to automatically bottling things up. I know I will hate myself for writing this tomorrow, but right now I think it's important. I'm confused as to what is and what is not real emotion. And what I should and should not be feeling. Maybe I'm just being weak and feeling sorry for myself. I honestly don't know which is true.

Does anyone recognize this?

 

[Kayle]

Yes - it's hard to pinpoint emotion when it seems irrational sometimes. I honestly can't. Sometimes what I think is anger is actually just sadness or irritation from environmental factors. I like the journal though, I don't use one now, but when I feel confused as you're describing I try to find a pattern to make sense of anything.

Honestly, to me it sounds like your meds aren't optimal for you. I've tried a few antidepressants and none have worked for my depressive symptoms. I think it's a great idea to mention these concerns to your pdoc and just practice mindfulness and steer your train of thought away from your self disgust and self pity.. I get that completely!

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." -D.H. Lawrence

 

[DogwoodTree]

Have you seen the movie Inside Out? Picturing emotions as characters who are legitimate parts of me helps a little, so at least I don't immediately invalidate what I'm feeling.

I also try to think of emotions as energies inside of me that have to be metabolized through the act of feeling them in order to be free of them. It's like...if you eat food, you have to digest it in order for the food to pass out of your body. If somehow you were able to hold onto that food and refuse to digest it, it would just pile up and pile up inside until you're bloated and sick. Better to digest it and move it out. Similar with emotions. Better to feel them so your system can metabolize that pent up energy and move it out of your system, allowing the system to flow smoothly again.

I'm still trying to convince myself that my Ts won't think I'm throwing a stupid pity party or looking for attention just because I let a little sadness or anger or fear show through at a session. Haven't quite reached that point yet.