Promiscuity

[jmni]

Hi there. I think this is a problem a lot of people have and I am new here so I am not sure if it's been discussed in an old thread but if not maybe this will open the door.

I think that many people with ptsd have probably been promiscuous at one time or another. And we carry internal burdens so we don't always make the best decisions. Personally I feel shame without promiscuity and I think one of the benefits of ptsd that people probably don't realize is that regular expression of anger leads us to dismiss smaller issues and can put things we don't care about into perspective, by putting them out of perspective. In my case I feel that sometimes I can push the smaller problems away. At least that is part of my experience with it.

I am single right now. I've made some mistakes that are just embarrassing and it's ongoing.

I made a decision to depart from sex for a while. I just don't need the headache anymore. Basically declared myself asexual. Actually it's been pretty good. I don't have to do with sexual neurosis and that's pretty sweet.

I can't understand why I was doing this. I dont think I am a really promiscuous person so I am going to try and learn a little about it. I think it's better to focus on understanding why i do what I do rather than label my self as one thing and figure that out.

Do you think any of these things cause promiscuity?
shame that has not been fully processed is determining current actions?
embarrassment/shame caused by ptsd outbursts and feeling outcast because of it?
loss of ethics and morals?
inability to make decisions in the moment?

I can explain them all but I have a feeling people will understand whats behind those questions.

Also I don't think "promiscuous" is by definition bad or evil or wrong or anything. I am just not comfortable with what I am doing and want to figure that out.

:)

 

[saffy]

Hi Jimni

I think is certain cases promiscuity can be a form of self destruction. A lot of abused people fall into a self destruct mode either with sex, drugs, alcohol, self harm and/or dissociation. Amongst many other things.

A lot of people like having sex with a lot of people but their reasons behind this can differ completely. Some need to feel sexy, some need to feel needed/wanted, some are just randy and like having sex.

If you are not feeling comfortable with it you have to ask yourself why and find out what is making you feel like you are out of your comfort zone. What is making you feel uncomfortable. Find this and you might have the start of your answers.

What was it you were expecting to feel when having sex, what is missing or lacking? Intimacy? Love? desire?

We are here to talk and I think you have done the right thing is abstaining until you know. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

Thanks, Saffy. Well my reason for quitting was just that I came to the conclusion that I was doing something wrong and it's much easier just to not do it. I think it is actually more of a social problem than a sexual problem.

 

[Finding Shawna]

some need to feel needed/wanted, some are just randy and like having sex.

I am newly single again...and usually get promiscuous. While I do enjoy sex, it's mainly to feel wanted. It's like a drug. Some of my PSTD is related to sexual assults (not knowing at the time it was wrong) yet I still continue to do it.

 

[saffy]

HI Jenmi

So you felt guilty? Society conditions us to. Sex is natural and should be fulfilling. Liking sex is good but if doing it with lots of people makes you feel guilty it is a social acceptance thing. Finding one person to have sex with then can fullfull a need without having the social guilt? maybe?

Hi FInding Shawna,
I used to feel that the way you do. I needed to feel wanted but inevitably I ended up feeling used.

I was trying to be wanted for the wrong reasons. I did not want to be wanted just for sex in the end it made me feel used and unwanted for me as a person.

Sex is the easiest way to get attention and closeness/intimacy from a partner. But once the sex had finished that void would still be there, so I looked for it again and again and again.

I get bored of just sex now because it just doesn't fulfil my actual needs. I find it shallow and a quick fix. If that makes sense. Does this for you?

I am working on connected in a deeper more meaningful way with intimacy that will come as part of something more meaningful. It is hard too because any connection before was just based on sex. Take that away and what was left?

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

No I don't feel guilty. If anything I feel more stupid than guilty for even bothering with most people. Most of them don't do anything for me. Once upon a time it was the 70s and sexual freedom was empowering and those days are over. If someone wants to be promiscuous that is their choice but I get nothing from that. I am also after something deeper and want to be in a relationship. I want to get to know someone I like who likes me, connect to them, and go from there. I am tired of people expecting sex or feeling like I have to have sex because I'm there or just going along with it. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know what to do while I'm in the moment and I think that clouded thinking is related to the PTSD. I feel like I don't know the rules of dating and it's really the most annoying part of it.

 

[saffy]

HI Jimni

I can fully understand that.

For me it was looking to be needed and wanted, I realise that this was the wrong type of attention now.

But now I feel like you that it is pointless without the other connections needed in a relationship.

I Feel stupid now for not knowing what was actually going on, being very naive and had little or no self esteem.

Finding the other connection has become a problem for me too. I just cannot get it. I have no idea how to form a meaningful relationship either. The rules are different now that is for sure :)

Men seen to me that they expect you to be more open about sex and can even sometimes call you a prude or frigid because you just do not give it away freely anymore.

When I go out men get the wrong idea. I don't think I am particularly sexy at all but I am quite tactile and freindly and this gets misdiagnosed as me wanting to pull for sex. I have even been called a man eater??? no idea why, men scare the shit out of me.

On the other side girls and women see me as a threat if they are single or in a relationship. They do not like me talking to their men. Not that I would ever ever touch somebodies man . But if they are single they seem to be such bitches. I get along with males much better than females, always have.

For me to 'tone' it down I feel that I am being unfriendly and offish towards people. What is the point of that? Maybe I just am flirty without realising it.?? who knows really. I do know the older I get and the longer I am without anyone the harder it is getting.

I can fully empathise with you and also feel that ptsd has made a big dent in my psyche and the way I see and think about things.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Anna]

Hi Jimni

I think is certain cases promiscuity can be a form of self destruction. A lot of abused people fall into a self destruct mode either with sex, drugs, alcohol, self harm and/or dissociation. Amongst many other things.

I agree with this. I also find that I do want to have sex with multiple people, one reason is I am unable to bond with anyone. I don't feel love like other people do. However, I would not cheat on my partner out of respect for them. It is also self control.

I sometimes also feel I only have one life, so why not enjoy it? I think even people without PTSD have affairs or are promiscuous due to the offer being there. It is unnatural for humans to be monogomous. Religion brought about the introduction of marriage and we humans are far away from mother nature, but that is for another topic :P

 

[Venusian]

I come from the other side of this discussion. My trauma happened when I was 5 years old. I was never promiscuous. I am not a prude, people can do what they want if it is consensual, but I never was interested in just having sex. My ex-husband who I was married to for 23 years was the first and only one I had sex with until after I filed for divorce. He was the one that was promiscuous. It went on so long because it wasn't in my make up, it was something I didn't ever consider doing so it didn't cross my mind that my husband would do that either. Even after I was single again I only had sex with men I was in a relationship with. I could count the number on one hand.

I don't think promiscuity is PTSD specific, it is caused by many different things and may be wrapped up in the same events that caused the PTSD. Those events caused many different behavioural problems in many people that are on this site, but attributing it specifically to PTSD is not something that I would do.

 

[jmni]

Finding the other connection has become a problem for me too. I just cannot get it. I have no idea how to form a meaningful relationship either. The rules are different now that is for sure

Exactly. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to get to know someone. I see few opportunities for it.

On the other side girls and women see me as a threat if they are single or in a relationship. They do not like me talking to their men. Not that I would ever ever touch somebodies man . But if they are single they seem to be such bitches. I get along with males much better than females, always have.

I never associate with women outside of work. The few friends I've had don't see me as a threat because they think I am harmless. I don't try to create problems for others and don't use sex like a weapon so they don't need to worry. But my coworkers are threatened by me. Usually the girls who get by on their looks. My friendships with women have turned out to not be very important in my life at all.

I guess I am rolling my eyes at myself because I met a nice guy who did not push me but I screwed it up. I was "too easy". I didn't know how to walk away and keep his interest and all of that. I didn't use the time to get to know him. So I know I am the one at fault.

Those events caused many different behavioural problems in many people that are on this site, but attributing it specifically to PTSD is not something that I would do.

I think you are right but I think in my case ptsd clouds my thinking a lot. I attribute it to stupid mistakes and lack of knowledge.

 

[saffy]

I was "too easy". I didn't know how to walk away and keep his interest and all of that. I didn't use the time to get to know him. So I know I am the one at fault.

HI Jimni

I understand that.

I do not challenge men and allow them to think they are walking all over me. It was not to do with being a doormat but did make it easy for them. I am just easy going and did not feel the need to make it hard work all the time. Relationships are supposed to be easier than that, I thought.

One guy said to me once 'why do you just do what I ask?' and I said, 'would you rather me argue about it? I do not mind doing it, I am doing nothing else so if you ask for a coffee I don't see the point in making a big song and dance over it.' He could not answer that. But what it did it falsely led him to believe that I was a door mat.

What I did realise after was that I would always encourage guys like that because I did not set my own boundaries and was afraid or did not realise to assert my own needs. I would look after theirs but neglected my own. I would assume that they would just be respectful and considerate. WOW that was another learning curve. Don't assume everyone is nice. ;)

I was so laid back and easy going and was happy to do what ever. I would always attract the type that would take the piss, because I also forgot to mention why I was doing it and that I still would expect them to respect my needs before they got their feet under the table.

I now make sure that I ask for them to do things back and try to recognise whether they are respectful of my needs. It was a bit of an eye opener to tell the truth. I realised I would always get the type that wanted mothering because I asked nothing back of them. This made me feel that I was worthless to them in the end. They had no intention of returning the care or considerations. IF that makes sense.

I am now learning to assert my needs and boundaries. Although at the present I am going too far and need to learn a good balance. I have gone from one extreme to another. But I think it is all part of learning how far you can go without compromising yourself either way. :)

I hope that makes some kind of sense. ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

I'm still thinking about screwing up last time. I know it was me. That worries me. So I really have to think about what I am doing. At least I have time to do it.

I was surprised how many people thought I was such a doormat. Apparently they only knew ball-buster dominatrix women. Oh well....