Ptsd: Did Someone Know And Not Do Anything?

[Marie10]

Recently something happened and it caused me anger since it reminded me of some traumas were no one did anything. I'm speaking about instances where people knew, heard your cry for help or saw something being done to you and these people do nothing. For me, it made me feel violated again.

It haunts me when I think the entire mindset of a bystander. I cannot understand it.

For example: While living in my old apartment complex, my boyfriend a the time began beating me, I ran out of the apartment while he tore off my shirt and I was screaming "Help". I'm certain people heard him yell too. I remember when he chased me and finally got a hold of me, looking at this couple with their door open just watching. I remember wondering how they could just watch.

I always try to help when I see something- an accident, someone who's sick and etc.

Has anyone else had to deal with this bystander effect?

 

[AlterEgo]

I have not dealt with this personally but being in law enforcement for almost 14 years, it amazes me how very few people ever step in to help others. I've been to incidents like you describe more times than I can remember. Even the people who would call 911 demanded they remain anonymous. A lot of incidents occurred in trailer parks or appartments and you know dam well everybody heard what was happening.

The day I lost faith in all humanity was a day when a motorcycle crashed on a highway. The bike and driver came to rest in the fast lane after sliding approx. 100 yds. When I arrived the guy was unconsious and only one vehicle stopped to help. As I was administering first aid, I nearly got hit by 2 different cars trying to get around us in to the other lane. The lady who stopped to help said she couldn't believe how many people just went around the guy and never stopped. This was in broad day light too.

Its amazing how caught up people are in their own lives that they act like nobody else exists. Its a shame that people don't take a few minutes a day to help the less fortunate or someone who is in nees. This world would be a lot better off.

 

[p-no]

Yes, Marie, all the time. When I was a young teenager, I called child services (note the "child" in "child services") and when I said that I wanted them to take me away from my mother, the lady said I wouldn't like it in a children's home and I didn't know how bad it was there really. I then said that it couldn't be worse than with my mother and that I'd want them to take me away anyway. She got under pressure, then suddenly blurted out the question as to how old I was. I told her and she sighed with what seemed relief to me and said I was too young, she wasn't allowed to talk to me, I would have to have an adult call them.

All the time throughout my life... Another example, my uncle touched literally every female (children and adults) who were "available" (i.e. simply being there, e.g. friends of my cousin's, me, cleaning lady...). When parents would pick up their kids from my cousin's, they would see. I mean, I was there, I saw him do it, they were there, they looked, but nothing ever happened. I remember watching the whole thing for hours and there were adults and they did nothing. I don't know if they ever brought their children back to play at my cousin's house but I do think so.

I could go on and on and on. I am so tired about all this, especially the bystanders. And especially those that make-up excuses for their bystanding. Excuses they actually believe, I think.

 

[shell]

This happened to me and my brother, where my aunt and uncle often witnesses the beatings, but didn't want to get involved.

My Aunt was telling me last year, how she and my uncle witnessed my mother beating me as a two year old, with a child size long handled broom for nearly five to ten minutes in a public carpark at the zoo, because I was too slow getting out of the car.

My Uncle by marriage became so enraged by her actions that he wanted to grab the broom and attack her with it, but my Aunt told him to stay out of it.

It got the better of him and he confronted my father, and said aren't you going to stop her. As usual my father just walked away and said nothing.

I was really upset after they told me, it wasn't just that they didn't protect me, it was that even when I little my father didn't either, it really brought home that I meant nothing to him and I never ever did.

My mother told the doctor in the early 1970's that she thought she was going to kill me, and needed help. He said that if he wrote it down they would take all three of us kids, and she would lose us. He gave her the choice, and she got up and walked out of there. She went on to beat me, torture me and punch me in the head for the next 10 or so years, because parents had more rights than kids.

Really, it was laughable how many people knew, back then it was a parents right to beat there child and no-one cared, it was just how it was, the neighbors knew, they heard the screams, and the sound of things regularly breaking. Thankfully more people are less accepting of abuse these days.

One of the best things the media ever did was to get the issue out in the open, and have made teachers and other professionals more educated and others less in denial.

 

[rightkindofme]

Yup, I wasn't helped. It has seriously jacked me up.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah... :( People tend to deny it when it's happening in front of them. My mom made sure to beat me up when no one was watching, but I am pretty sure my dad knew about it. He says he doesn't, but that's just the guilt talking. You can't beat up a kid for fourteen years and not have you partner notice -I'm not buying it.

Otherwise the neighbors must've known what was going on in my case, too. There was always furniture flying around the house when mom got one of her hatred fits. My family knew something was wrong, too: I wrote really twisted stories about being abused. They did confront my parents, but then my parents told them to stay out of it and they left it at that. My aunt told me she considered calling child services but she was afraid to.

It's weird, if this had come out, maybe they'd have kicked my mom in jail and I'd have stayed with my dad (who wasn't violent) or something. Makes me wonder a bit how my life would have turned out in the case. But anyway: there's no use in wondering what "could've been". Better just make the best of it now, though I agree people are frequently too cowardly to ring the alarm.

 

[Ettina]

I wonder this about the bullying I experienced in school. I had one teacher, who I got along with quite well and considered a friend, but several years later it occurred to me that she definitely knew I was being bullied and could've exerted her authority to at least lessen it, but did not. I mean, she literally had her lectures interrupted by kids calling me names in the middle of class, and she'd just pause briefly and continue speaking. Plus I found out she kept a lot of my outbursts a secret from my parents, so that even though they knew I was having a rough time, they didn't realize just how bad it was getting. And then there were all the different adults that I mentioned suicidal thoughts to, none of whom seemed to think I was serious about it. (I wasn't, really, but a 12 year old talking about suicide should generate concern even if they're not actually planning to carry it out.)

 

[AlterEgo]

When you look at incidents such as someone's safety or someone's life being threatened, everybody goes through a quick (pros and cons) checklist in their head. It amazes me how somebody could choose to ignore a problem, fearing they might upset the abuser. What about the abused ? They are in desperation for help and people worry about being embarrassed or upsetting someone. Unfortunately that excuse does not satisfy me. I have and will continue to call them what they truly are "Cowards". People who turn their back on someone in need, especially someone who is being harmed, is just as week as the bully or abuser who seeks out vulnerable people to abuse. This is by no means a professional assessment, just my opinion.

 

[Venusian]

People turning thier backs after witnessing something seems to minimize the crime. At least to me it had that affect. It couldn't have been that bad if no one did anything. When I was kidnapped a man came up to the car. I saw him when I moved the coat I was hidden under and I assumed he saw me. But instead of stopping what was happening he just told the man who took me to leave. It was the last clear memory I had that morning. He had on a uniform but I don't think he was a policeman. Because no one did anything I kept the secret for decades.

I didn't tell anyone what happened because I couldn't remember what had happened, I blocked it because what was happening did not fit with how other people reacted. It couldn't have been that bad because no one stopped him. It couldn't have been that bad because no one saw how badly I was injured. It couldn't have been that bad because no one asked where I had been or why I was crying. It couldn't have been that bad because no one noticed I couldn't talk because my throat was so bruised. It couldn't have been bad because I survived.

Other people's reactions to situations colour our own beliefs and as a victim it keeps us silent.

 

[Grace Hope]

This really is a humanitarian issue.

Standing by when someone else is being hurt and abused is so cowardly, yet these people shout from the roof tops when something happens to them. It`s usually a minor issue that they can deal with themselves when they cry for help. I call them The Me, My, Mine Brigade because that is all they think about. The worst thing about these people is that they come from all walks of life, all professions, all faiths and there a lot of them in positions where they are supposed to be in charge of or in support of other people including our most vulnerable.

On the other hand a proper decent person will listen to you and act on your behalf even when the problem might have been caused by someone of their own profession or in a trusted position.

I think one of the best things to do is not to give in which is not the same as to giving up.

 

[xena21]

Yes, I screamed for help as a child because I knew I was about to be abused, and my Grandma disregarded me, and shrugged me off. I screamed at the car as she drove down the driveway but she kept going, and I knew I had to go back to my Grandfather to be be abused again.

It's not unusual. It happens all the time!!!

 

[Lionheart]

I told a police detective and was not believed, consequently there was no investigation and so the abuse continued. This reinforced the mistaken belief that I was "bad" and the cause of the problem, as well as the idea that I could trust no one. I still feel hurt about this. I think society in general let me down. I don't have a lot of faith in authority figures as a result and my sense of justice is skewed.