ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[piratelady]

LOL Saffy, I have been told that so many times (the advice I gave) I figured it had to work for someone. It does help me sometimes. I think it depends largely on the degree of the feelings that are making me want to eat. I do agree with you though, the root of the problem has to be addressed. At this point I'm banking on therapy helping me to do that.

I do also find that if I do some vigorous exercise when I want to eat for emotional reasons, that helps a lot. I imagine it's because it releases all the happy chemicals in your head.

 

[MissUnfortunate_1999]

Saffy and Piratelady you have no idea how much you have both helped me today. I'm at the very beginning of my recovery journey, and I was almost in tears reading your replies as it means there are lots of ways I can take control over this. thank you both so much for your help today you lovely people Xxxx

 

[maddog]

It's taken me a while to be able to rspond to this thread too, because only very very recently and in a very limited way have I been able to acknowledge that I too have some sort of eating disorder. Just writing that makes me feel sick, but I need to, because it's true.

For me it's mostly undereating, for considerable periods of time when stressed, and it's strongly related to control. When I feel out of control of key elements of my life, I control those elements of it that I can, and sadly, often that is eating.

It also has dangerously ingrained negative associations from my childhood. My father used food as a manipulation tool, a punishment, a bribe and a threat. He would withhold food for enormous periods of time, then alternately force feed me relentlessly, reward my siblings with food and deny it to me as a punishment for my evil, etc. Also, mealtimes were generally associated with ridicule and abuse, and so the presence of food became a trigger for harm and suffering.

I taught my brain to ignore my body's physical needs and signals, because many of its basic needs were denied. So I taught myself not to notice hunger, tiredness, physical pain etc, and now it's as though the link between my body and my brain which controls the need for such things is broken. I don't know when I'm hungry. I don't know how much I need to eat or when I've had enough. For this reason, I am capable of incredible overeating as well as undereating, because somehow in my mind I feel the same whether I have eaten too much or nothing at all. I don't know when to start, or when to stop.

All this time later and all of those factors have combined to make it very very difficult for me to eat at all right now. Every bite is a struggle, but it's one I'm determined to win, because I don't want to be a victim to my own obsessions anymore. It's a scary lonely journey, and it's ruining my life.

Maybe I'll write more in time. Right now this is as much as I can deal with.

Maddog

 

[saffy]

HI Maddog
You are so brave sharing that with us. thank you. I understand what you are saying.

Being brought up in an invironment where food was used this way I am not surprised you do what you
do :( .

The first thing I thought when I read this was firstly; 'she really does not deserve this'. and secondly I started to think about my love of food, how I enjoy the tastes and textures and realised that for you this must seem like torture, to enjoy it is like going against your anger and a pain you are still trying to understand, 'your not suppose to be enjoying it?', food means manipulation and abuse!'.

I also thought, To keep you from enjoying anything to do with your abuse you need tell yourself 'if I do not have it I will not feel guilty and ashamed' so I avoid it. Does that make sense. It's the associtiation between food and unhappiness and fear.

anyway not sure if that helped or made sense but I hope you find an answer so you can work on moving forward in a more positive way.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

thank you both so much

Hun if it did just one thing to help you on your journey then we can all learn from this. I am so glad you are seeing things in a more positive way, its a step forward :)

Hugs
Saffy

 

[poeticprincess88]

I was once told to be mindful of what I am eating and when. When you feel the need to eat, stop and assess if you are in fact hungry. If you aren't and you are eating for emotional reasons, then you should actually journal or do something to deal with those feelings and/or take a walk or do some form of exercise. That is supposed to help with emotional eating.

I tend to do the same thing - eat an bunch of unhealthy food, and when I'm done, I just feel sick and think, "oh gosh, what I have I done." I beat myself up for over-eating, which makes me feel bad and just creates a vicious cycle.

I have heard some stuff about mindful eating practices. I don't eat though until my body puts off all these negative signals and then I realize it's time for food.

 

[Shellbell]

I have unhealthy eating habits, associated with trauma and abuse where I was denied enough food, as my worst abuser wanted me to be weak, compliant and very thin and childlike in figure. Being in a total isolation and captivity situation for 4 years enabled him to have complete control over what little I ate (plus everything else). Food was also used as a 'treat', when I did as I was told.

I don't consider myself to have a full blown eating disorder - but since this abuse ended - I have often gone long periods of time not eating all day until my husband is home and then eating a small meal without telling him I hadn't eaten all day. So depriving myself of food to stay thin or I would feel disgusting and grossly fat even at an Aus size 10 and would eat very little every day until back to a size 8. A size 8 is my personal maximum size that is okay. Something I need to work through in therapy.

I currently take Mirtazapine for severe depression, PTSD and chronic insomnia and the other side effect is it make you hungry, so I currently battling hunger every day and trying to stay a size 10 and under. They give this medication to people with Anorexia as well. So, I acknowledge it is a good thing (although I also hate it), as I would probably be ridiculously thin now without it no doubt.

I totally understand how abuse leads to eating disorders.

 

[Anna]

I also had an eating disorder when I was in my teens. I am 5'1 (1.56m) and dropped down to 6.5 stone(89 pounds) 40kgs , my lightest was 5.11 stone (81 pounds) 36kgs.

I did it because it was the only thing in my life I felt I had any control over. I would write down everything I ate and excercised like crazy to burn calories. It started when I was 13, and got worse after the trauma happened. I also sometimes would binge and take laxatives or make myself sick. This only happened 4 times in the space of a decade, I mainly restricted calories and excercised. The feeling of being thin empowered me, I loved the way my bones would protrude out, especially my hip bones. My inverted stomach. I had a 21 inch waist! I loved being skinny.

I am now a healthy 55kgs (8.7 stones or 121 pounds). I feel fat a lot of the time though at that weight and often have to make sure I don't relapse back into not eating again.

I agree with Maddog, it is everything to do with control. I remember when I was young being hungry and thirsty all the time. People are shocked at how long I can go without food or water. Training I guess.

 

[maddog]

I think you've really touched on something critical for me Anna. It really does feel good to see evidence of my ability to control my world in this way. I don't know that the actual fact of being thin is what feels good to me, but it's the fact that it's tangible evidence of my success in controlling things. I guess that's what makes it an addiction, it actually does feel good and relieves anxiety, and the alternative - putting on weight - actually feels distressing and negative.

Maybe that's the part of this that is most daunting and overwhelming to me. I don't know how to not want to be like this, because quite honestly, right now I still do. I want to get better in a theoretical sense, in that I don't want to be controlled by my, well, need for control, and I don't want people to notice and comment negatively, and I don't want the physical limitations that it imposes, and I don't want to feel as constantly obsessed about it as I do, but in spite of all that, I don't want to put on weight, because I don't want to feel the negativity about myself that will be the result.

And the sensory memories and negative emotions that often come with eating aren't the sort that go away if I actually do manage to push through them and eat. With a lot of flashbacks and memories, grounding myself through them obviously does make me feel better, but not with the eating problem. Usually I just feel even worse afterwards, because my body resists the food physically and often makes me feel sick for some time after, and the negative emotions and memories actually seem to increase once the act of eating has been achieved, and so I feel even more negative and distressed about it than I did before I ate. So in so many ways, conquering my desire to not eat is actually punishing for me, because it makes me feel so much worse.
God, I don't even know if any of that made sense to anyone...

How do you even begin to deal with this?

Obviously I'm not looking for therapy here, I know I need to take responsibility for this in the appropriate time and place, so just venting I guess, and maybe wondering if others relate, or if what I'm trying to say even makes any sense?

Maddog

 

[Whirlwind]

I read the posts and I just feel for all of us.

How do you even begin to deal with this?

I'm glad you posted Maddog the first thing for me was to tell someone. Its a start.

First thing I learned the physical cues leading up to it. Stomach tension, uneasiness brewing, etc. Then I tried to improve the situations/triggers leading up to it.

Usually I just feel even worse afterwards, because my body resists the food physically and often makes me feel sick for some time after, and the negative emotions and memories actually seem to increase once the act of eating has been achieved, and so I feel even more negative and distressed about it than I did before I ate.

I read a lot about abuse and ED's. I couldn't deny the parallels and understood it was a coping mechanism. I recall a book called Women Food and God. It was not about abuse per se but interesting about our relationship to food.

This may sound strange but I started viewing my body almost as a separate entity and with that, I felt bad for what I was putting "her" through. For me it took the focus off of appearance to a large degree. I am getting older and simply thankful for a healthy athletic body at my age.

With my flashbacks starting, I have been fighting tension etc. My appetite disappeared completely despite my exercise etc. Again, feeling "sorry" for my body...I ate healthy reasonable amounts - I just forced myself to be honest.

Things are improving a bit and it was enough to bring my appetite back nicely. My ED has nothing to do with food.

One surprising side effect for me... after I acknowledged my ED and committed to real progress...my weight just stabilized. Normal. Healthy. I feel fine and don't really care if I did go up or down a bit. I rarely weigh myself now compared to before, I don't monitor my "stats" constantly. It is very freeing for me. I like this better than before so I hope it is "self-fulfilling".

Best of luck, Whirlwind

 

[Shellbell]

That is a really positive Whirlwind - rarely weighing yourself and not minding when your weight goes up and down a bit. Not needing that unhealthy control. Being healthy :) :tup:

That gives us all hope. Thank you :)

As of this week, I am now on 2 strong medication that cause appetite stimulation and weight gain :( :cry: Double the struggle. I do care and weigh myself constantly and measure myself. Hating myself when there's any increases. Feeling disgusting. Hope this changes through the journey. For us all.

 

[Whirlwind]

I do care and weigh myself constantly and measure myself. Hating myself when there's any increases. Feeling disgusting.

((Shellbell))

All I can say is I so understand. I am not "above" any of the worst admissions. I know food compulsions, bulimia, I starve myself, I've done it all I think. And significantly, I am really really good at it sadly. And I loved it in some ways. Food was a control issue as a child, my female parent was brutally anorexic, I was always compared to that and deemed fat, ugly, big. They tormented me relentlessly about that, it was one of the favorite family "games".

I have had my ED forever, and I don't know that I will ever considered myself cured, it is so embedded in me. Its just...ok now. I am so grateful.

If you have time, read the book, my recollection was it made me feel better.

There is hope, I believe that deeply for all of us.