ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[LaurenZ123]

Hi everyone, I just read this entire threat and HOLY COW does this make me feel validated and incredibly sad and mad and frustrated all at once!!!

I want to respond to each one you individually, but I don't think that's possible. Anyways, regardless I want you all to know that I am thinking of you tonight.

I too have an ED, and have ever since I can remember. I have been overweight, underweight, normal weight, anorexic, bulimic, you name it ... i've been there in my 23 years on this earth and I have no problem saying (at least not here) that it is HELL.

I feel like I am doing everything I can to recover, and while I have been hospitalized and to treatment many, many times now, I just can't get it together. I read books, I read blogs, I go to therapy, have tied many "approaches to recovery from EDs," NOTHING WORKS!

I am ok during the day, sometimes ... if I am sufficiently distracted by work ... but as soon as night time hits I feel like I am attacked by my ED and flashbacks and emotions I can't manage alone. Right now, I more bulimic than anything else. I feel so hopeless most of the time though. After so many years of trying to recover and putting every ounce of energy and effort into it, I still can't get better! I just jump back and forth from anorexia to bulimia, like a ping pong ball caught in some crazy game. That's how it feels sometimes. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I don't have enough strength to beat whoever is controlling this sick game I've been placed in.

I recently joined this forum because I have come to terms with the fact that I can keep going to treatment and getting stuck in the hospital, but that won't REALLY solve the problem. The cause of my disordered eating (and other self-harming behaviors) is trauma, and I have to deal with that before any long-term changes are going to stick. My therapist told me it takes 28 days to change a habit. So, here we go. 28 days. No binging and purging. Seems both impossible and hopeful at the same time. Impossible because 28 days is a long time and right now I feel like I am going to EXPLODE. Hopeful because in the scheme of life and how long I have had this disease, 28 days is nothing.

Tonight I am sitting in my room trying my absolute hardest to keep myself safe. I want to SCREAM. No one I know would ever believe that if I told them. I am the happy one. I am the care-free one. This is so FREAKING isolating. I am tired of having to keep everything inside and put on a show everywhere I go.

I am sorry if this post seems aggressive or negative. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I want to scream. (I never do). I want to throw glass things so hard that they break and shatter into a million pieces (I never do). I never do these things because I turn my anger inward, onto myself. I am sure many of you probably do the same thing. Most of the people I have met in treatment are the absolute sweetest souls I have ever come across in my entire life, and we're all slowly killing ourselves via EDs.

I say I want to scream. I say I want to break things. What I really want is a hug. I want someone to come scoop me up and squeeze me so so so tight and tell me that I'm going to be ok. That's all. I just want to feel safe. I never feel safe. I want someone to tell me that things are safe now. Someone I can believe. I want someone to hold me until my insides stop shaking and I stop crying and wanting to kick my legs in the air to get all the crazy-ness out. I want someone to just be with me. If I am being honest with myself, that's what I really want under all this anger.

I don't want to feel so alone anymore. This is all hard for me to admit, because I have spent my entire life trying to prove to myself that I don't need or want anyone in my life. It's just not true, and trying to convince myself of that isn't working anymore. It was adaptive as a kid, when I was alone and couldn't control that, but it's not adaptive now. I am not sure what else to do but write here. I just want this stupid game we are all stuck in to be over. No one deserves what we go through every single day. NO ONE.

Lots of love to everyone tonight. Thanks for making this a space that I feel I can vent all of this in. You are all amazing and inspiring and beautiful, inside and out. Never let anyone (including yourself) convince you otherwise.

<3 Lauren

 

[MomOfTwo]

Maddog

Hope you are feeling better after your dental surgery. I think the key is to have a dentist that knows about trauma and can empathize and be very accommodating when it is needed.

Hi everyone, I just read this entire threat and HOLY COW does this make me feel validated and incredibly sad and mad and frustrated all at once!!!

I want to respond to each one you individually, but I don't think that's possible. Anyways, regardless I want you all to know that I am thinking of you tonight.

I too have an ED, and have ever since I can remember. I have been overweight, underweight, normal weight, anorexic, bulimic, you name it ... i've been there in my 23 years on this earth and I have no problem saying (at least not here) that it is HELL.



<3 Lauren

Lauren,

Your post was incredible and I think reflects what many of us who have disordered eating or eating disorders are going through. I have struggled with disordered eating for years and at one time was anorexic and am thinking I am back there again but not sure if I would be clinically diagnosed as that because I may not be 'thin' enough.

I am 103 pounds and five foot four so that would be considered underweight but I don't feel overly thin even though people are telling me that they are worried about me. I feel better and don't know why I do when I restrict. I do know though that it is temporary because once you get sucked into the disease further you know longer control anything and it controls you or at least that is my perspective.

I don't have any good advice for those with disordered thinking other than it is always a struggle and I have always felt guilty about eating even when I was 'recovered'. Which I do not like that word because I think you never truly recover but cope or at least for me that is what it is. I have managed to stay a healthy weight for years and would slip a bit into too thin but never down to less than 90 pounds for a very long time. Eating I find or have found for me has never been an enjoyable experience but one that is alway wrought with guilt or worry about what I am doing to my body and how much weight I am going to put on. Most times I just push that away and make myself eat and keep telling myself not to listen to that voice. I would push through those negative feelings. Maybe that is the only advice I have is to just not listen to that voice if you can and push through it.

It is almost impossible to push through those negative feelings when I am too stressed and for some reason it makes me less stressed when I give in and restrict. That is what nobody understands and I feel so alone with my thoughts.

 

[LaurenZ123]

I feel better and don't know why I do when I restrict. I do know though that it is temporary because once you get sucked into the disease further you know longer control anything and it controls you or at least that is my perspective.

I don't have any good advice for those with disordered thinking other than it is always a struggle and I have always felt guilty about eating even when I was 'recovered'.


It is almost impossible to push through those negative feelings when I am too stressed and for some reason it makes me less stressed when I give in and restrict. That is what nobody understands and I feel so alone with my thoughts.

Please, please, please don't "feel alone with these thoughts" MomOfTwo. Thank you for your kind response. I have to say I relate with everything you wrote, particularly the parts I quoted above. I have no idea why I feel better when I restrict either, but I do. You are completely right thought, it's temporary because soon it consumes my entire life and I'm ill before I even realize what's happened.

I too feel guilty about eating when I am "recovered" (aka at a healthy weight) but that's why I agree with you that we can never fully "recover" from and ED, we can just learn how to live with and cope with it. This thought is extremely overwhelming and makes me feel very inadequate and rather hopeless at times. Not sure if you ever feel this way too ...?

Lastly, I really, really qwant you to know that I hear you. I hear you and I understand EXACTLY what you mean when you say it's nearly impossible to push through negative feelings the ED "voices" bring about when you are too stressed AND for some reason, giving into them and listening to them actually makes you feel better at these times. I experience the EXACT same thing and I can tell you from being in treatment that many, many people with eating disorders say the same thing. It's bizarre.

Something I find myself in a constant battle with is eating vs. not eating. It seems like no matter what I do, I lose. I am at a point in my recovery where I know.... I KNOW that fasting and restricting and getting my weight down to too low levels gets me NOWHERE really fast. It gets me into the hospital, where I gain weight, leave, stay healthy for a little while then end up right back HERE, where I am now, in this battle between what I "know" and what feels good. No matter what I beat myself up. I get in trouble with myself for lacking control and eating and I get in trouble with myself for eating and trying to respoect my body and give it the nourishment it needs and that I deserve. It's a lose-lose situation in my mind and that is the thing I am struggling with the most right now. Now sure if anyone can relate to this internal battle, but it is on my mind all day, every day.

 

[maddog]

I want to scream. (I never do). I want to throw glass things so hard that they break and shatter into a million pieces (I never do). I never do these things because I turn my anger inward, onto myself. I am sure many of you probably do the same thing. Most of the people I have met in treatment are the absolute sweetest souls I have ever come across in my entire life, and we're all slowly killing ourselves via EDs.

I say I want to scream. I say I want to break things. What I really want is a hug. I want someone to come scoop me up and squeeze me so so so tight and tell me that I'm going to be ok. That's all. I just want to feel safe. I never feel safe. I want someone to tell me that things are safe now. Someone I can believe. I want someone to hold me until my insides stop shaking and I stop crying and wanting to kick my legs in the air to get all the crazy-ness out. I want someone to just be with me. If I am being honest with myself, that's what I really want under all this anger.

I don't want to feel so alone anymore. This is all hard for me to admit, because I have spent my entire life trying to prove to myself that I don't need or want anyone in my life. It's just not true, and trying to convince myself of that isn't working anymore. It was adaptive as a kid, when I was alone and couldn't control that, but it's not adaptive now. I am not sure what else to do but write here. I just want this stupid game we are all stuck in to be over. No one deserves what we go through every single day. NO ONE.

Lauren, your post made me cry, too much to allow me to write much really.

Thanks for saying so many things I can't. I can't speak for anyone else, but as you predicted, I, for one, can relate to all that you say.

It hurts, sometimes too much.

Maddog

 

[LaurenZ123]

Lauren, your post made me cry, too much to allow me to write much really. Thanks for saying so many things I can't. I can't speak for anyone else, but as you predicted, I, for one, can relate to all that you say. It hurts, sometimes too much.

Hi Maddog, your response made ME cry! As did many of the other posts to this thread.

So many of you (including you Maddog) have put words to things I haven't been able to name and I have found that so incredibly validating and helpful to my own recovery. We are all so strong. We are all so brave. I never really give myself enough credit for HOW hard it is to be alone with what we are alone with inside our minds/bodies every day. Occasionally my therapist reminds me and I have just recently started to actually acknowledge the difficulties of things as she tells me. I am not really sire how I feel about this awareness yet, but its movement and apparently I am supposed to be happy about movement. We'll see.

Anyways, thanks for your reply Maddog ... it made my night :)

 

[Abstract]

Lauren,
The others are right and you very clearly and eloquently put words to what is so difficult to express. That others who don't understanding eating disorders and what is connected to them can't understand. The neverending pain of just managing the most basic functions of living is excruciating. .

want to SCREAM. No one I know would ever believe that if I told them. I am the happy one. I am the care-free one
I want to scream. (I never do)

I never do these things because I turn my anger inward, onto myself.

that's what I really want under all this anger. I don't want to feel so alone anymore.

This is all hard for me to admit, because I have spent my entire life trying to prove to myself that I don't need or want anyone in my life. It's just not true, and trying to convince myself of that isn't working anymore.

I relate to all of these of think many many of us with eating disorders would do so. Because we tend to be great and quiet on the outside. And self destruct on the inside.

And my attempts to convince myself I don't need anyone are also not working any more which horrifies me even if I cognitively know it is sure to be a good sign.

when I am "recovered" (aka at a healthy weight)

I hope you don't mind me saying this. As someone who has had an ED for 30 odd years and is basically recovered, it took me the longest time ever to realise that weight has little to do with it. That isn't helped by many professional's attitudes or understanding.

I have my own definition of recovery but do think it is possible now and have seen others with severe trauma and long term severe ed's fully recover. So please don't give it. But it requires way way more than weight restoration.

It's the thing I am most proud of in my life but I did not ever think this was possible.

Eating disorders and all that go along with them are the most awful things. And trying to cope with dreadful stuff without defaulting to them when they are an entrenched way of coping and linked to other things is hard beyond words.

 

[LaurenZ123]

The neverending pain of just managing the most basic functions of living is excruciating.

I am feeling incredibly impressed with your brutal honesty here Abstract. This very fat: that the supposedly simple, daily functions of living are absolutely excruciating and torturous at times. This is how I feel quie often, but can never even let myself admit inside my own mind, let alone to others. It is true though, so hats off to you for having the courage to put words to this "embarrassing" ( to me at least) fact here. Daily living is absolutely exhausting, and once Again... Nobody has any idea.

And my attempts to convince myself I don't need anyone are also not working any more which horrifies me even if I cognitively know it is sure to be a good sign.

I experience this disconnect between what I cognitively know to be true and what I believe/ feel ALL THE TIME! It's incredibly frustrating and confusing and I wish I had so e advice or words of wisdom for you, but I don't. All I can say is, I understand and I experience the same scary, frustrating, confusing disconnect every day when it comes to wanting to "go back" to my Ed vs. what I know results from that vs. what I want for myself and my life, etc. etc. ahh!

As someone who has had an ED for 30 odd years and is basically recovered, it took me the longest time ever to realise that weight has little to do with it. That isn't helped by many professional's attitudes or understanding.

First, I appreciate all your feedback and definitely don't mind you saying this. I actually completely free with you haha. :)

Thank you all for the amazing feedback and support you have created in this community. I am b/P free for for 4 days now (long time as of ,ate) and couldn't have done it without this thread (as silly as I feel saying that) :) thank you.

 

[LaurenZ123]

 

[Abstract]

I am b/P free for for 4 days now

:):tup::woot::singing::D:wideeyed: Woohooo!!!!

Good for you. ;) As you said it takes enormous courage.

One thing that helped me is to see it as a battle between ED and me and that any little thing that I gave in to it helped it grow and me get weaker. And every little thing I deny it is a wonderful victory. (of course we know we hate ourselves at the time and the voice becomes monstrous...:( ).

I think that's true actually. You know how that voice takes over our heads until we can't even hear ourselves at all? And that has happened to me at all weights. But the only way of getting rid of it is war! And it does eventually fade and the silence is golden.

We want your true beautiful strong healthy you to be powerful and for your true beautiful voice to be all you hear. It's hard enough to deal with all the other cr*p without that voice in our heads.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Please, please, please don't "feel alone with these thoughts" MomOfTwo. Thank you for your kind response. I have to say I relate with everything you wrote, particularly the parts I quoted above. I have no idea why I feel better when I restrict either, but I do. You are completely right thought, it's temporary because soon it consumes my entire life and I'm ill before I even realize what's happened.

Lastly, I really, really qwant you to know that I hear you. I hear you and I understand EXACTLY what you mean when you say it's nearly impossible to push through negative feelings the ED "voices" bring about when you are too stressed AND for some reason, giving into them and listening to them actually makes you feel better at these times. I experience the EXACT same thing and I can tell you from being in treatment that many, many people with eating disorders say the same thing. It's bizarre.
.

Lauren,
It is nice to know that I am not alone with my thoughts. I tried to explain to my therapist that restricting relieves my stress and I do not think she gets it. It is almost a renewed energy at times. I have not restricted this severely in a long time but life has been very stressful and it is helping me to cope. I think maybe it perhaps takes some of the focus off of my current problems and redirects the energy elsewhere to the eating disorder. It is something I can control and I feel like it is something I am good at. I feel at times it is the only thing I am good at. The voice I hear is that I don't deserve to eat. I also feel like if I did not accomplish enough then I cannot eat.

I think an eating disorder is similiar to being an alcoholic however with an eating disorder you require food to live and you just can't avoid it or the thoughts around food. I get into my head that I just am taking up too much space and it feels overwhelming. I feel safer when I am smaller. It sounds completely nuts which is why I always have felt so alone. I was part of an out-patient eating disorders group and pretty much all of the girls were bulimic and I was not. I think what helped me was a shift in focus on something positive. I wanted to go back to school and did and that helped. I remember sitting in the tub and weighing 87 pounds and feeling every bone and hurting physically so bad too. I was a skeleton. I just did not want to feel that way anymore and felt like I would die and did not want to but I did not really know how to live either fully and it is still a struggle.

I also think that for me some of the payback was that my mom and others could not control that part of me and it frustrated them. Even though it hurts me I somehow feel powerful and in control.

I thank you for your honesty and your post as well tugged at my heart-strings. I could relate to what you said and it was the first time anyone has ever been able to put into words the inner struggles I struggle with daily.
I get the hopeless feeling. I feel hopeless a lot. I feel alone in my thinking a lot. Some times I think it is also a way of my saying no to life. Which is something I have never shared even with my therapist and don't know if anyone here relates. I am really struggling with life right now.

I share the same internal thoughts as you. I wish I did not feel guilty about eating but do and if I do eat something bad will restrict and control what I have eaten. It is the internal dialogue that is the hardest battle. I never feel comfortable around food. Thanks again for your candid posts. You are opening up a lot of dialogue which has been good for me and I am sure others as well. Bless you.

 

[maddog]

I don't have the energy or capacity right now to keep up with this thread the way I want to, but I just wanted to say, over and over and over again, how much everything said here strikes a chord deep within me - deep down in the most painful place.

Sometimes I think starving myself is also my way of saying no to life, my way of trying to will myself away in subtle covert ways when I feel I don't have the courage to do anything more overt. I also, sadly, know that a huge part of me believes that a slow and torturous demise, such as that brought about by starvation, is what I deserve, and that the reprieve of a rapid painless death is something I have not, and will never, earn. My thoughts and beliefs on this matter have the ability to spiral to utterly self destructive darkness very very quickly, and with them comes my food control issues.

My father controlled and manipulated all of my basic bodily functions and needs, eating and sleeping being greatest among them. When I feel most out of control of my world it is these very functions I so vigilantly control, just because I can, and now he can't...

This thread first gave me the courage to talk to my T about this. In a strange way, talking to him about this was harder than anything else - even the sexual abuse - and the shame I felt and still feel is even deeper. Even now that I have been so well received and validated, the shame comes back, time and time again.

I am currently enormously depressed and in a bad place. So what's the first thing I start doing obsessively?

That's right, starving myself. And now I feel like I can't tell anyone again.

This is the longest, loneliest road. Thanks for walking it with me.

Maddog

 

[LaurenZ123]

:):tup::woot::singing::D:wideeyed: Woohooo!!!!

.

LOL Abstract ... thank you. Needed that smile :) That's how I feel sometimes (Woohooo!!!!!) but most of the time I feel SOOOOOO conflicted! It's like you said, whichever voice I don't listen to gets louder each time. I kinda feel like I lose no matter what. The Anorexic voice wants me to restrict all the time. My healthier self knows that there is only one place that leads (the hospital, depressed). My genuine self wants to eat when I am hungry and stop when I've had enough and really not think much about food at all. My bulimic voice wants me to binge and purge. Gah so annoying!

.

One thing that helped me is to see it as a battle between ED and me and that any little thing that I gave in to it helped it grow and me get weaker.

I have heard this strategy many, many times and I have the hardest time with it because I learned early on in my recovery that my ED developed as a way of coping. That my younger self needed some way to help me survive painful things that I couldn't handle, so I developed the ED. That makes COMPLETE sense to me, and that;s why I have a hard time getting "mad" at that ED voice. I feel bad yelling at it. It sounds kinda ridiculous here but it's true! I feel bad because it's a part of me that I developed to try to help save my life, essentially. Did you ever have that battle with yourself?
I think that's true actually. You know how that voice takes over our heads until we can't even hear ourselves at all? And that has happened to me at all weights. But the only way of getting rid of it is war! And it does eventually fade and the silence is golden.

.

We want your true beautiful strong healthy you to be powerful and for your true beautiful voice to be all you hear.

This made me teary :) What a lovely thing to say. I want that for you as well and we both deserve this!