PTSD from cheating, partner breaks up with me.

[DharmaGirl]

Thanks @Mee, I appreciate it. The law does help society form what is acceptable and not, I agree. Rape by deception is a valid thing, and I want to continue to follow it. I come from the generation where one was expected to put up with sexual harassment from men. It wasn't that long ago that things were very, very different in our society. Anything that changes that is worthwhile to stand behind.

 

[Friday]

Moderator Note

@Mee @siniang @DharmaGirl @ anyone else interested in discussing what may or may not be able to cause PTSD... PLEASE START ANOTHER THREAD. Whilst often a fascinating discussion, the OP has been violently assaulted in their own home by a stranger and dx’d wih PTSD following that. That the issues surrounding being assaulted are creating far reaching consequences they’re struggling to deal with is hardly uncommon. The opposite.

If they had been assaulted or raped in a bank on the way to depositing a cheque, and were now having problems with being paid by cheque instead of direct deposit? Or in being paid in any way? Or in the mode of transport they used to get to the bank (walking, driving, etc.)? Or in paying their rent, for finding a new place to live, as they were evicted after their cheque was stolen? Or any of a thousand other things surrounding being assaulted this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Even if they were avoiding their trauma -or passionately trying to prevent new trauma- by associating getting PTSD “from” being paid for work, walking on a sidewalk, wearing a pretty dress, trying to pay their rent, etc. As is often the case, strong associations form with things surrounding the trauma itself. That’s just super classic life in PTSD-land.

We now return back to THIS thread, where the OP is struggling with being in relationships again, after having been violently assaulted in bed with her girlfriend, by one of the people her partner was cheating on her with. And the complicated effects that trauma is having on her life & relationships.

Thank You.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok so back to the OP...

It’s GOOD that your relationship is over IMHO. I’m the kind of person who says ok, a new partner needs to have zero contact with ex’s.

One, a relationship needs to be looking forward. There’s a reason why ex’s are ex’s. Holding on to ex’s means you’re holding on to the past.

Two, once you’ve crossed over from friends to more than friends, it’s easier to cross over again as intimacy has already been established. In other words, staying in contact with ex’s is just playing with fire.

Three, with like 7 billion people in this world, it’s not like there’s a shortage of people to connect with and be friends with.

Don’t listen to dumb articles that claim shit like “staying friends with ex’s means you’re more emotionally mature, and it’s a red flag when your partner isn’t friends with any of their ex’s”. This is pure bullshit.

I don’t see this as solely a trust issue. I mean how many people later say “I was so dumb to think that my partner being friends with their ex was ok”....? Too many to count.

Life is too complicated as it is. Cutting ties and moving forward is best IMHO.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm sorry OP, I was in no way questioning what caused your PTSD. I apologize also for thread jacking. I was just curious about what someone had said. I should have started another thread.

 

[Beetroot]

I agree with EveHarrington, staying friends with an ex usually ends in misery. My current boyfriend is "friends" with his ex, but she lives in another town and they never talk. That's about as close as I, personally, could handle.

Regardless of what people say about having to accept that a partner is friends with an ex, you don't have to accept it. If it's triggering for you and your partner can't understand why making comments about ex's in front of you (or being friends with them) is a problem, then you need to find some more suited to you.
Unnecessary heartache isn't going to help you heal, and you absolutely need someone that understands your trauma and what triggers it.

I know this post is ancient but I felt compelled to submit a response!

 

[coraxxx]

I agree that regardless of if it's socially acceptable to remain friends with exes or not (which I tend to do but I conceive it isn't for everyone and it really depends on the type of exes too), op you can go with the option you find yourself comfortable with. Your current gf sounds a bit insensitive and while there isn't anything inherently wrong with talking about her past sex life (depending on the tone it can even be something quite positive in the sense it does manifest trust towards you), it's also understandable that it triggers you. Depending on your background and where you want to go and do with that person, this aspect can be negotiated or not. None of you is wrong or right, you just need to find the right accommodation for everyone. If boasting about her exes sets you off, that's a conversation you need to have.

Personally I had a context where a partner of mine turned abusive and violent because I told funny stories about my sex life. I was in trust and just found sweet to share, and it really came from a light hearted place. Never I could conceive he would develop a terror of me abandoning him for someone else as I'm pretty much as stupidly loyal as a swan. And he became coercive and abusive towards me. And I don't mean you're doing this with your partner at all, but the line between explaining something is hurting you because of your personal context and that therefore you need extra reassurance on trust, and ending up blaming the person for the lack of trust in the relationship (internally or externally, again I'm not assuming you're being abusive or coercive in any way).

I might be a bit triggered myself with this thread because my ex had PTSD and also was paranoid about cheating and conflated cheating with the rest as the cause of PTSD. Obviously things mix with trust issues that are massive with PTSD and the risk of cheating are physiologically real, too. And not only HIV. What you went through is frankly atrocious and it really deserves to be considered by your partner. In my view this is a team working. It's not only your issue. It's your issue in the sense you're the sufferer of the disorder but as your partner it's also her job to hear you and accommodate you in a reassuring and loving way. Not by cancelling triggers but by showing you that even if she speaks of her sexual past, it doesn't mean it will result in what you fear. Both are in fact totally disconnected.

I hope you're okay and in a good place. These questions really are painful and difficult. Gentle hugs, if you accept.