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- #13
WoundedWarriorz
New Here
I've tried getting him to go in for it but h says he can handle it himself. And if I even ask if he is ok I get bitched out.
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Relationship Ptsd Or Just A Reason To Be A Jerk?
- Post starter WoundedWarriorz
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- Moderator
- #15
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Personally, if my vet didn't have a diagnosis of PTSD, but was using PTSD as an excuse for asshole behavior and trying manipulate me into being a doormat, then I'd tell him I'd take his PTSD into consideration once he went and got a professional diagnosis.
Im with a combat vet with PTSD also, and while I excuse a lot because of it, I have a line. You have a right to set your boundaries too, even if he is unwell.
Its OK to stick up for yourself. He doesn't get a free pass to call you names or be disrespectful.
Im with a combat vet with PTSD also, and while I excuse a lot because of it, I have a line. You have a right to set your boundaries too, even if he is unwell.
Its OK to stick up for yourself. He doesn't get a free pass to call you names or be disrespectful.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
You're accusing me of saying things that I never did.
Nowhere was I chastising you.
Nowhere did I say you were needy. (I mentioned his needs and your needs but nowhere did I say you were needy. Everyone has needs.)
Nowhere did I say you were being insensitive.
Nowhere did I say you were pushy. (You are indeed pushing him for more than he can give and I stand by what I said. Saying an action is pushing someone is different than calling someone pushy. You're pushing him for time in the evening and he cannot give this to you.)
It is clear that you're in a highly emotional, highly defensive state right now.
Time doesn't matter. If PTSD symptoms don't show up until 2 years into a relationship, it doesn't mean you've had 2 years of handling PTSD symptoms. If you cannot handle his need for space, a PTSD relationship may not be the best for you. If a new symptom pops up 2 years into a relationship, again, the same. A 2 year relationship is still relatively new.
I hope that when you calm down you re-read what I said without taking everything so personally.
Nowhere was I chastising you.
Nowhere did I say you were needy. (I mentioned his needs and your needs but nowhere did I say you were needy. Everyone has needs.)
Nowhere did I say you were being insensitive.
Nowhere did I say you were pushy. (You are indeed pushing him for more than he can give and I stand by what I said. Saying an action is pushing someone is different than calling someone pushy. You're pushing him for time in the evening and he cannot give this to you.)
It is clear that you're in a highly emotional, highly defensive state right now.
Time doesn't matter. If PTSD symptoms don't show up until 2 years into a relationship, it doesn't mean you've had 2 years of handling PTSD symptoms. If you cannot handle his need for space, a PTSD relationship may not be the best for you. If a new symptom pops up 2 years into a relationship, again, the same. A 2 year relationship is still relatively new.
I hope that when you calm down you re-read what I said without taking everything so personally.
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@EveHarrington I thought your post was very well done. It wasn't harsh at all in my opinion. It was very well done and I couldn't agree more.
I am a female sufferer and a gamer. Doing raid strategies with your gaming buddies is a far cry from being in a romantic relationship. In fact, there is a lot of research out there that states it is very therapeutic to sufferers when they are highly symptomatic.
@EveHarrington never suggested you were being needy, but a few things that you said does come off that way. Mostly because you assumed she was implying that you were being needy. The fact that you jumped to that conclusion with zero basis for it, makes me wonder.
Yes, he needs to see a professional, but that isn't going to happen if you bug him about it. It has been brought up, so don't ask. He has to want it. However, there is nothing wrong with saying that you aren't going to be with him unless he sees a professional. Only do that if you are going to stick to it though.
I am a female sufferer and a gamer. Doing raid strategies with your gaming buddies is a far cry from being in a romantic relationship. In fact, there is a lot of research out there that states it is very therapeutic to sufferers when they are highly symptomatic.
@EveHarrington never suggested you were being needy, but a few things that you said does come off that way. Mostly because you assumed she was implying that you were being needy. The fact that you jumped to that conclusion with zero basis for it, makes me wonder.
It just doesn't work that way. the is no time frame. It is going to last until he feels less stressed.
Yes, he needs to see a professional, but that isn't going to happen if you bug him about it. It has been brought up, so don't ask. He has to want it. However, there is nothing wrong with saying that you aren't going to be with him unless he sees a professional. Only do that if you are going to stick to it though.
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- Post starter
- #18
WoundedWarriorz
New Here
Thank you, your feedback has actually calmed me and been helpful. Eve, not so much. We all have our own ways of dealing with hardships and changes and I just never got the idea she was here to help. This site was recommended by a friend as a great way to find emotional support and guidance. I will try your method in regards to setting boundaries and all that. Thank you for actually being helpful! :)
When you are in a better frame of mind, please re-read eves post. It is very helpful from a sufferers standpoint. I think the difference here is that @EveHarrington and I are both sufferers, and trying to explain it from a sufferers standpoint, @Sweetpea76 is a supporter, and no doubt one of the most knowledgeable ones.
As a sufferer, I find your posts very intimidating, but i am rather disturbed by your rejection of the most valuable advice here. Sweetpea certainly knows her stuff, but at the end of the day she is not a sufferer.
As a sufferer, I find your posts very intimidating, but i am rather disturbed by your rejection of the most valuable advice here. Sweetpea certainly knows her stuff, but at the end of the day she is not a sufferer.
- Post starter
- #20
WoundedWarriorz
New Here
Maybe so, but it took a lot for me to come here and even ask for help. I just didn't feel like she was helping rather than trying to tell me what I can or can't handle. I love my bf and I want to understand all this. I just think that, as a sufferer, maybe you don't have the patience or filters when dealing with someone who honestly doesn't understand and is emotional because 2 years of solid togetherness and being together all the time has changed and rapidly. Many people don't sea well with change let alone sudden change, I'm not trying to say her information isn't accurate but I had a hard time relating to her and listening because I did feel as if her message was intimidating to me as well. I'm new to this but I'm trying, that should count for something and all I'm asking is for you all to give me advice and guidance and soften the way you do it. Maybe you can't because of why you've been through and I'm sorry for that, truly. I just don't deal well with confrontation or aggressive opinions. My whole life has been turned upside down in the last month do of course I'm upset and emotional. Does that make more sense?
- Post starter
- #22
WoundedWarriorz
New Here
I will try to be more open minded while reading advice/guidance as well and try not to take it so personally. I really do want to help him through this without bailing on him, which I'm sure is the last thing he wants.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Please understand where I'm coming from.
Isolation is very much a staple of PTSD. It's not a given for everyone, but many of us isolate and isolate "hard".
I see you in much distress over this isolation. Is it fair for you to be in this relationship if you cannot handle the isolation? No, I don't think so. Does it mean there is something wrong with you? Not at all. Some people need constant/regular contact in a relationship. Some people don't. What I'm trying to say is that if you can't be ok with this isolation, then is it fair to you or to him? You both deserve to have your needs met. He deserves to have time away from his partner, and you deserve to have adequate/sufficient time with your partner. If this aspect of the relationship doesn't mesh well, then this may not be the best relationship for you.
Please don't take this personally. I have said something similar to many other supporters who come here after the first isolation period (which indeed appears to be the triggering event for why the majority of supporters join the forum.)
I hope you read other stories of supporters on the forum. I think you'll find that the long term supporters have found a way to work around these times of little to no contact so that the emotional impact on them is minimized.
It's good to step back and you do you while he does him. I know it's not easy.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I see things from the inside as someone who has PTSD myself. I am isolating right now myself so that's why I said that if someone asked me how much time I needed alone, I'd tack on punitive time. Questions like this only add more pressure and don't let us heal/recover as we need to in our own time. If someone is going to put pressure on me to get better by a certain time, there is the paradoxical effect of actually needing more time to heal because it adds more stress, and more stress means a longer isolation time.
I know it's killing you to just let things be, but I think this is the best you can do.
Also, if this guy was a jerk, I seriously doubt it would come out only now, only during a time of very high stress like this, after 2 years. I still think this is a very typical example of his stress cup overflowing.
PTSD isn't an excuse to be verbally abusive, but when that cup overflows, sufferers can/do snap at people.
Isolation is very much a staple of PTSD. It's not a given for everyone, but many of us isolate and isolate "hard".
I see you in much distress over this isolation. Is it fair for you to be in this relationship if you cannot handle the isolation? No, I don't think so. Does it mean there is something wrong with you? Not at all. Some people need constant/regular contact in a relationship. Some people don't. What I'm trying to say is that if you can't be ok with this isolation, then is it fair to you or to him? You both deserve to have your needs met. He deserves to have time away from his partner, and you deserve to have adequate/sufficient time with your partner. If this aspect of the relationship doesn't mesh well, then this may not be the best relationship for you.
Please don't take this personally. I have said something similar to many other supporters who come here after the first isolation period (which indeed appears to be the triggering event for why the majority of supporters join the forum.)
I hope you read other stories of supporters on the forum. I think you'll find that the long term supporters have found a way to work around these times of little to no contact so that the emotional impact on them is minimized.
It's good to step back and you do you while he does him. I know it's not easy.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I see things from the inside as someone who has PTSD myself. I am isolating right now myself so that's why I said that if someone asked me how much time I needed alone, I'd tack on punitive time. Questions like this only add more pressure and don't let us heal/recover as we need to in our own time. If someone is going to put pressure on me to get better by a certain time, there is the paradoxical effect of actually needing more time to heal because it adds more stress, and more stress means a longer isolation time.
I know it's killing you to just let things be, but I think this is the best you can do.
Also, if this guy was a jerk, I seriously doubt it would come out only now, only during a time of very high stress like this, after 2 years. I still think this is a very typical example of his stress cup overflowing.
PTSD isn't an excuse to be verbally abusive, but when that cup overflows, sufferers can/do snap at people.
- Moderator
- #24
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Just a gentle reminder... Supporters come here because they are emotionally distraught and confused. Their distress is valid too. Supporters have no freaking clue what is going on when their sufferers are symptomatic the first time. If they're here asking questions, they're trying to figure things out.
Sufferer insight into PTSD is great. It has helped me understand a lot over my years here on the forum. Sometimes, though, what supporters are after is support and compassion for themselves. A good thing to look for is "I/me" questions verses "he/she/they" questions. Sometimes I want to understand why my vet may be feeling a certain way, and sometimes I want advice on what to do, or how to manage my own issues.
Link Removed
It's also good for supporters to "take what they need and leave the rest" when it comes to responses. We don't know you or your relationship. We're just anonymous strangers online. We all get hit with the blunt hammer from time to time, but there is a lot of support and good advice mixed in there. Please don't take things personally.
Just a fun fact... I was told I wasn't cut out to be in a PTSD relationship in one of my first posts here. It was that or "leave him"... One of the two. :tup:
Sufferer insight into PTSD is great. It has helped me understand a lot over my years here on the forum. Sometimes, though, what supporters are after is support and compassion for themselves. A good thing to look for is "I/me" questions verses "he/she/they" questions. Sometimes I want to understand why my vet may be feeling a certain way, and sometimes I want advice on what to do, or how to manage my own issues.
Link Removed
It's also good for supporters to "take what they need and leave the rest" when it comes to responses. We don't know you or your relationship. We're just anonymous strangers online. We all get hit with the blunt hammer from time to time, but there is a lot of support and good advice mixed in there. Please don't take things personally.
Just a fun fact... I was told I wasn't cut out to be in a PTSD relationship in one of my first posts here. It was that or "leave him"... One of the two. :tup:
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