Relationship Question About Change In Relationship With Sufferers

[georgie1668]

Hi

Just posing a question to the forum. From my own experience and reading through other postings, it seems somewhat common that often people will start off a relationship with a sufferer and everything is really good between both people. However, it looks like that at some stage things change, PTSD rears its ugly head and eventually sufferers start pulling away from those people they love the most.

In my own experience, I met my partner in January and it was amazing at first. However, after a while there has been a gradual pulling away - excluding when he has been really unwell - so that less romance, not inviting me to stay at his house (which I have done previously several times) and a falling away of what now seems to be something I almost imagined.

I understand how high emotions can trigger a lot of anxiety for sufferers and this is perhaps why sufferers appear eventually to be unable to cope with their relationships. In my case, staying with my man is an issue because there was an incident there and he is worried that he might do something when I am there. He often stays at my house and seems comfortable here.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone else can share stories of changing relationships and how to deal with what seems like a pushing away. I understand that all relationships change and that obviously PTSD introduces complications, but just hoping other carers can shed some light on the situation.

Thanks everyone.

 

[CCurry]

Yes, mine definitely changed with my sufferer. Before his flare up he was over the top with affection and he always told me how much he loved me. When he was in a bad place he became numb to the world around and that included me. I wouldn't necessarily say he pushed me away but he was not the man I knew.

After reading many posts, I suppose I should really consider myself lucky even though he moved out of our house for our safety, he never disappeared from my life in that he called and still calls me a few times a day (even at his worst). I may not physically see him as often as I would like during this time but I know that he loves me very much.

I can see the pain that a sufferer is in but I can relate to the pain of a carer. Things do change, but hopefully with enough therapy things will get better!

 

[Pam]

C and I have grown closer together through the 5 years. But not because I did anything. He decided to seek help before we became a couple and committed himself to it. So he continues, even now, to go to monthly therapy and take his meds, paying close attention to how his meds are working. I think it makes a difference. When he told me about his condition, we had not yet become a monogamous couple, but even then I could tell that he was fully managing it, taking it seriously, and wanting to continue to get better. He told me up front that there would be times when he will feel so down that the best thing for him to do is retreat to his house and sleep/wait it out by himself. I truly believe that we have a great relationship because of his working the plan for himself.

Is it possible that other folks try to make it as a couple before the sufferer is fully and consistently self-managing (IE by seeing a doctor regularly, taking meds, and working the plan)?

 

[Nicolette]

Seems I am the exception to the rule on this one as Anthony has gotten better over time and he is a much nicer person since I first met him.

Reasons as I seem them are:

• He and his ex wife brought out the worst in each other.
• When I first met him he had the stress of divorce and fighting to see his boys.....that is settled now.
• He now has a hobby which involves him being active and not stuck behind a computer screen in a house all day.
• While this forum has done a lot of good for people including Anthony I personally found the more time Anthony spent here investing his time of helping people 'one on one' (not just the general stuff) that it also drained him.
• I make appointments with him to 'participate in life' as in that we need to do something together out of the house and set a day and a time in advance. That way there are no surprises and with other things which require facing the outside world like grocery shopping - we have a routine so he knows when to expect it and has time to prepare himself.

I think all relationships go through rough patches at time and not everything is just about a Sufferer dealing with their PTSD. There are a lot of other factors.

 

[MontanaJem]

My PTSD sufferer has never pulled away or pushed me away so I can't really address your original topic although about 6 months in, I started noticing that things were not progressing as a normal relationship would - i.e. expression of emotions even though I knew they were there.

He told me up front that there would be times when he will feel so down that the best thing for him to do is retreat to his house and sleep/wait it out by himself. I truly believe that we have a great relationship because of his working the plan for himself.

I believe both of these things are very important when in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. A sufferer being aware that he needs some space and is able to express it goes a long way towards not making the carer feel like they've done something wrong.

And if the sufferer is motivated to change and is doing what they need to do to get healthy by self-managing, that's definitely a positive.

 

[AnnieLloyd]

Georgie
I can completely relate to where you are, as my husband ( a sufferer) has also pulled awayfrom me and our children. He was just diagnosed with CPTSD (2 weeks ago).He is unable to talk to me. He talks to the children some, but still they notice the massive change he's made. He has simply disconnected from us. This has been particulary hard for me to accept, as family is the most important thing to me, and I thought it was his too. Sometimes I feel like I've been living a dream...it's really weird...almost like I've imagined this wonderful life with him.
I know how you feel trust me!!! Hope my experience has helped you feel not so alone...hope it may help
Annie