GreySouled
Learning
Greetings all!
Well, the situation is this:
I am a 36yo straight female with a history of CSA/R, cPTSD, etc. Except for the abuse/rapes (which explicitly returned to my conscious mind in 2014), I could have sworn I was a virgin, saving myself for marriage. Going through the whole cPTSD/asexuality/no, everyone stay away from me bit, I have now come through the other side and am now in a mindset of finally being able to separate men from dangerous men, like I'm finally seeing clearly for the first time in years. I actually have hope that I can have what I always wanted: husband, family, normalcy, etc.
However, I also, out of desperation and hopelessness, chose to conceive my one and only child via artificial insemination because my one main purpose/goal in life was to be a mommy and I could not fathom the thought of ever conceiving of a child naturally. And I am a great mom, if I may say so myself, and the child is happy and thriving. Absolutely no regrets there!
Now, though, I see myself as being ready to date in, let's say, two years (obviously, I'm not done in therapy and there is still much to do), but I feel HOPEFUL. Only now, knowing what I know, I feel absolutely used up. Even though I'm a "consent virgin", I still have these memories of all these awful things involving my body, I have a child, I have lots of SH scars (not too, too bad, but you can see them up close). I feel like no quality man would have me.
Besides these mental health-related issues, I am quite high functioning. I own my own house, have a car, a fulltime job, I have friends, my finances have never been an issue, etc. But I feel like I may have missed the boat. The CSA/R and choosing motherhood the way I did make me feel like I will never have the future I want and now feel like I actually deserve.
I don't know if Pandy's is the place to ask this question - I feel like it's selfish somehow, maybe - but I was wondering what a man might think. I am never one to deceive someone and trap them. I believe in full disclosure and honesty, the same I would expect and demand from any prospective husband.
Any thoughts or honest opinions are greatly appreciated.
Well, the situation is this:
I am a 36yo straight female with a history of CSA/R, cPTSD, etc. Except for the abuse/rapes (which explicitly returned to my conscious mind in 2014), I could have sworn I was a virgin, saving myself for marriage. Going through the whole cPTSD/asexuality/no, everyone stay away from me bit, I have now come through the other side and am now in a mindset of finally being able to separate men from dangerous men, like I'm finally seeing clearly for the first time in years. I actually have hope that I can have what I always wanted: husband, family, normalcy, etc.
However, I also, out of desperation and hopelessness, chose to conceive my one and only child via artificial insemination because my one main purpose/goal in life was to be a mommy and I could not fathom the thought of ever conceiving of a child naturally. And I am a great mom, if I may say so myself, and the child is happy and thriving. Absolutely no regrets there!
Now, though, I see myself as being ready to date in, let's say, two years (obviously, I'm not done in therapy and there is still much to do), but I feel HOPEFUL. Only now, knowing what I know, I feel absolutely used up. Even though I'm a "consent virgin", I still have these memories of all these awful things involving my body, I have a child, I have lots of SH scars (not too, too bad, but you can see them up close). I feel like no quality man would have me.
Besides these mental health-related issues, I am quite high functioning. I own my own house, have a car, a fulltime job, I have friends, my finances have never been an issue, etc. But I feel like I may have missed the boat. The CSA/R and choosing motherhood the way I did make me feel like I will never have the future I want and now feel like I actually deserve.
I don't know if Pandy's is the place to ask this question - I feel like it's selfish somehow, maybe - but I was wondering what a man might think. I am never one to deceive someone and trap them. I believe in full disclosure and honesty, the same I would expect and demand from any prospective husband.
Any thoughts or honest opinions are greatly appreciated.