Sufferer Raped 10 Years Ago And Lost Ever Since

[skinnyman]

No, I haven't. Thanks, I'll look for them.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Do you have so much trouble finding pants that fit too? :)

Yep.

No, seriously, I'm down to size 28 which is the smallest size you can find here in stores (and you really have to look for them) and still I constantly have to pull up my pants.

I was size 28 years ago. I'm back up to size 29 or 30. Cheers for me. :-/

And I do wear belts.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Skinnyman

Welcome...:)

I too was raped and I was beaten half to death, and I have just been diagnosed with PTSD in February. Overwhelming...right?

I felt ashamed. I thought and still think of myself as a spineless and naive loser. If only I would have had the nerve to stand up to him and leave his apartment or didn't go with him in the first place. But I was too scared he would hurt me.

I talked this through with my counsellor (Im in the UK) and she layed out 7 Russian dolls in a line smallest to largest, then asked me which one I was at the time of beating and rape. I chose the third from smallest. She then asked which one 'he' was. I said the largest one. It then all clicked...there was nothing I could do. The size difference and the fear made me so small and helpless to fight off my attacker. With regards to beating yourself up whether you should have gone or not...well, you know, we all do things that we sometimes have no answers for and some we do but eitherway you did not deserve this and it is not your fault. He is the sick one.

Have a look around the site and the sister site and stay strong.

 

[skinnyman]

JA9W, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. Like you said, all of this is pretty overwhelming. Getting diagnosed, telling my story here, starting therapy,... I had a lot of sleepless nights last week.

Thanks for sharing part of your story. You are right, neither of us deserved this. He didn't use any violence, but I did fear him. He knew exactly what he was doing, he had all the power. I had my first talk with a therapist yesterday. She asked me how I felt after he did this to me. I told her I felt disgusted and sad so she continued to ask me why I projected all this feelings on me while he was the one being disgusting and sad (if that makes sense, I'm having trouble paraphrasing it in English). I couldn't answer her question :)

Thanks for all the encouraging replies, it may take some time but I'm pretty confident I can overcome this. Anyway, enough about me :unsure: I'm usually not very talkative, but I'll be around...

 

[Deleted member 14359]

You are right, neither of us deserved this. He didn't use any violence, but I did fear him. He knew exactly what he was doing, he had all the power.

Keep hold of these thoughts...they are important! I am glad you can see it this way.

I had my first talk with a therapist yesterday. She asked me how I felt after he did this to me

Well done for going and speaking to your T. :tup: How did you find it? I hate it, too many difficult questions

Keep up the good work :)

 

[skinnyman]

Indeed, a lot of tough questions :) She got a lot of don't knows at first. And expensive! 50 euros a session and she wants to see me every week. But if it helps... Do you have weekly sessions too? How long have you been in therapy?

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Ha, yes but if it helps go for it!

I have weekly 45 minutes sessions with a specialist at a voluntary organisation who deal with rape and sexual abuse. She is great. I have been having counselling (i'm in the UK)/ therapy for around 9 weeks now. I missed a session today...first time for everything! I just could not face it today;)

 

[skinnyman]

Good to hear you get free counselling and it's helping you. I know what you mean, sometimes you just don't feel like talking. Years ago I saw a psychiatrist for a while as I suffered from depression, but I didn't feel comfortable talking to him (never had the courage to tell him about the rape too) so I stopped seeing him. Psychiatrists are refunded here in Belgium, but psychologists aren't. It's a lot of money, but I don't mind that much. If that's what it takes to get better, so be it :)

 

[Girl3]

Skinnyman - you have so much hope and good future my friend. Your family didn't throw you out or condemn you - that is so much in your favor. You have a real diagnosis. You had a good life before your rape. Those are all things that bode well for you.

The I don't knows you had are all about personality and upbringing. You are probably one of those delightful, polite, kind, giving, happy fellows (underneath the trauma.) What you thought was just a regular social encounter - going to smoke a joint - turned into "Deliverance" for you. (Deliverance is a an old movie - hard to watch if you've been raped.)

You can read my story elsewhere if you want - but I know waht it is like to be raped by someone you know and previously trusted, who is bigger and had power over you.

Therapy that works is worth the price. There are also books you can read as well as people's stories here.

I wish I could just give you a big hug, take you out for a good dinner with a big dessert. Life can be good again, you will be able to breathe, to laugh, to love. I'm not even close to being there - but I know it can happen.
Je vous souhaite tous les biens.

 

[LoveIsHealing]

Thomas,
I admit that men being raped is a bit more rare than women getting raped, and may lead to even more shame because of that. My Father, who was mentally unstable, but a good man was raped. He would somtimes take off and go live on the streets and go on drinking binges for weeks. Anyway, he was in a park bathroom at night while he was living on the street, and was sexually assaulted by another man. My Dad was strong, so it's hard to imagine someone could take advantage of him like that. It makes me so angry that that happened to my sweet Dad, and I know it only added to the emotional problems he already had.

He never really got help for the PTSD he had from being in the military and a traumatic childhood, and with the sexual assault, I don't think he ever really recovered. He died from alcoholism. That is why it is so important for you to get the help and support you need. And I hope you can work on getting healthy, and start putting some weight on. :)

 

[Ruckster]

Wow, Skinnyman! Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[skinnyman]

Merci, Girl3, ca m'a fait du bien. That really made me feel better. At times it's hard to remember who I was before I got raped, but I know the old me is still there. I live in the dutch speaking part of Belgium, by the way. Don't know if you follow Belgian politics a bit, but I hope we aren't all portrayed there as right wing nationalists. I for sure ain't one of them. Vive la Belgique :)

LoveIsHealing, I'm sorry to hear about your father. That must have been hard on you. You don't need to worry about me though, I'm not the drinking type. I've smoked a lot of weed in the past (to be honest, I smoked all the time), but I've quit about a year ago. I do miss it from time to time, but I'm glad I was able to give it up. At the end it wasn't fun anymore, it just made me feel more and more depressed. I will try my best to put on weight. I haven't found the time to look for those proteineshakes yet :( I've been working 6 days a week the past few weeks, but I might have some time off next week. I did take my nieces (3 and 5 years old) out for icecream yesterday. We had a lot of fun, I should do that more often. They only took 3 bites and then went off to play, so I had to eat all 3 icecreams. That must have at least put on some weight :) Thanks for caring.