Hi, my name is Thomas, I'm 35 and live in a small Belgian town. I've always been a rather shy and silent guy, but I used to be quite sociable and have self-confidence. I had a lot of friends, had girlfriends and went out a lot. That all changed though when I was raped at age 26.
My friends and I frequented a local bar and one night I was there alone with the owner, a big guy in his 40s. I always thought he was a bit shady, but as I was taught to always be friendly and polite we started talking. He took me out for a snack and suggested to go over to his place to smoke a joint. Once there he started to intimidate and manipulate me and raped me.
I felt ashamed. I thought and still think of myself as a spineless and naive loser. If only I would have had the nerve to stand up to him and leave his apartment or didn't go with him in the first place. But I was too scared he would hurt me.
I didn't dare to tell anyone, I didn't even go to the police. It was too embarrasing. Most of my friends knew him so I thought if I would tell them they would either tell me I was to blame or wouldn't believe me.
As I was afraid I might bump into him in the street (it's a small town), I hardly ever left my apartment for a year, the only people I saw were my family and colleagues. Friends would call me or show up at my door to see how I was doing, but I didn't answer their calls or let them in. I've lost all of them, except for one.
Eventually I moved to a bigger city and later on even abroad. I tried to forget it and start a new life, but that didn't work out. Since that day I haven't been able to make a single new friend as I'm incapable of opening up to people and making a connection.
I moved back to my hometown a few years ago as I found out that guy (the rapist) got convicted for several similar crimes and was put in jail. So it's been almost 10 years now and here I find myself without any friends or prospects in life. All I do is go to work and spent the rest of my time locked in my apartment.
I feel extremely insecure around people and avoid social gatherings as much as I can as they make me feel uncomfortable, at times even anxious. I don't take care of myself properly. I don't eat enough (I've lost so much weight), I have trouble sleeping and can't bring myself to do things. I hate my life and who I've become, I want the old me back!
It wasn't until about 6 months ago I finally found the courage to tell my parents and later on my sister and brother what happened. It was a huge relief to finally be able to tell them and they've been very understanding. I started seeing a psychologist at the local centre for mental health (it's free of charge) and got diagnosed with PTSD.
I can get therapy there but there's a waiting list for 6 to 12 months. So the psychologist gave me some addresses of private practices, but I haven't been able to bring myself to contact any of them until now. But I will soon as the psychologist told me things will get better and I can get through this.
Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if my vocabulary might come across a bit simplistic. English is not my native tongue so it's hard to find the right words and tell how I really feel.
My friends and I frequented a local bar and one night I was there alone with the owner, a big guy in his 40s. I always thought he was a bit shady, but as I was taught to always be friendly and polite we started talking. He took me out for a snack and suggested to go over to his place to smoke a joint. Once there he started to intimidate and manipulate me and raped me.
I felt ashamed. I thought and still think of myself as a spineless and naive loser. If only I would have had the nerve to stand up to him and leave his apartment or didn't go with him in the first place. But I was too scared he would hurt me.
I didn't dare to tell anyone, I didn't even go to the police. It was too embarrasing. Most of my friends knew him so I thought if I would tell them they would either tell me I was to blame or wouldn't believe me.
As I was afraid I might bump into him in the street (it's a small town), I hardly ever left my apartment for a year, the only people I saw were my family and colleagues. Friends would call me or show up at my door to see how I was doing, but I didn't answer their calls or let them in. I've lost all of them, except for one.
Eventually I moved to a bigger city and later on even abroad. I tried to forget it and start a new life, but that didn't work out. Since that day I haven't been able to make a single new friend as I'm incapable of opening up to people and making a connection.
I moved back to my hometown a few years ago as I found out that guy (the rapist) got convicted for several similar crimes and was put in jail. So it's been almost 10 years now and here I find myself without any friends or prospects in life. All I do is go to work and spent the rest of my time locked in my apartment.
I feel extremely insecure around people and avoid social gatherings as much as I can as they make me feel uncomfortable, at times even anxious. I don't take care of myself properly. I don't eat enough (I've lost so much weight), I have trouble sleeping and can't bring myself to do things. I hate my life and who I've become, I want the old me back!
It wasn't until about 6 months ago I finally found the courage to tell my parents and later on my sister and brother what happened. It was a huge relief to finally be able to tell them and they've been very understanding. I started seeing a psychologist at the local centre for mental health (it's free of charge) and got diagnosed with PTSD.
I can get therapy there but there's a waiting list for 6 to 12 months. So the psychologist gave me some addresses of private practices, but I haven't been able to bring myself to contact any of them until now. But I will soon as the psychologist told me things will get better and I can get through this.
Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if my vocabulary might come across a bit simplistic. English is not my native tongue so it's hard to find the right words and tell how I really feel.
