Relationship Reality Check: Should I Be Upset About This?

[Wastinglight]

My partner is going over to his parents' house for lunch on Friday, to celebrate Father's Day. When he mentioned it, I asked if I was invited. He immediately looked guilty and said something about his mum not mentioning me, and tried to play it off as his parents wanting it to be an "immediate family only" affair. But as the conversation went on, it became obvious that he didn't want me to come (which I already suspected), and he eventually admitted that his parents always consider me welcome at such events. I asked him straight out whether he wanted me to come, and he then became defensive.

He's been pulling this bullsh*t for a while now - making out like his parents don't want to me to come, when actually the main problem seems to be that he's trying to reduce his anxiety by excluding me (the mere fact that he has to have lunch with his parents is stressful enough, apparently).

I have been letting it slide up til now, but the truth is, I get pretty upset about this, for several reasons: 1) I feel like he doesn't want me to be part of his family, 2) I worry that he tells his parents that I'm not interested/too busy/whatever in coming to lunch, and this might reflect badly on me, 3) I really like his parents and I so rarely get to spend time with his mum - family lunches are the only time I get to see her, and 4) I hate that he can't just be honest with me (even though I know he's trying to avoid stress).

I imagine he's not going to change his attitude about this any time soon - it's probably one of those things I will have to fold on - it's his family after all. I don't want his parents to think badly of me though (although there's a chance that they also suspect that he's deliberately excluding me). I know he's just trying to minimise his stress, but I'm worried it will damage my relationship with his parents.

The hilarious thing is, there have been times that I've had to go to lunch with his parents on my own, because they have invited me personally, and then he's bailed at the last minute!

 

[Friday]

Personally, that's not something I get upset about... I'm the other way... Please go spend some 1:1 time with your family!!! I figure, if I want to spend time with them, I can pick up the phone & invite them over, or out somewhere. Conversely, the dynamic changes when I'm with my boyfriend (or then husband, etc.) and my family, or just by myself and my family. So it makes sense to me that the person I'm dating would want the same thing, I do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe you can have a girls day or a lunch out with his mom sometime if you guys get along great. That'd probably help dispel any "she doesn't like us" vibes.

He's also never had a relationship of this level before... maybe he has never had to figure out mingling the girlfriend with the family protocol?

Or what about having his folks over to yours? Would that be easier for him?

 

[Wastinglight]

He's also never had a relationship of this level before... maybe he has never had to figure out mingling the girlfriend with the family protocol?

He's only brought a girlfriend home once or twice before - but that was when he was living interstate, so yeah, he's not had to deal with it on an ongoing basis before. It's obviously stressing him out.

Maybe you can have a girls day or a lunch out with his mom sometime if you guys get along great. That'd probably help dispel any "she doesn't like us" vibes.

Cheers - I will certainly consider this. I have invited myself around for lunch before. It's tricky though, because they know that it kicks up his anxiety when they have me around to visit (although of course I tell him that I'm visiting them), and conversations are sometimes awkward because I think we all want to talk about the issues, but his parents don't want to be seen to be discussing his personal issues "behind his back."

Or what about having his folks over to yours? Would that be easier for him?

Oh good lord no! His mum has only been around to his place twice (before I moved in), and they only live 15 minutes away (and they own the house!). The mere mention of it would send him into a tailspin!

There's just so many issues to wrangle with!

 

[Wastinglight]

the dynamic changes when I'm with my boyfriend (or then husband, etc.) and my family, or just by myself and my family

That's a good point. My family all live interstate, but I have told him that I expect him to at least meet each member of my immediate family in person at some point. He's agreed, but I know he will put it off for as long as he possibly can!

However, when that day comes, I will be wracked with anxiety. I want him to like my family (even though I don't always like them!), and I want them to like him. I'm terrified that my mum/dad/sister/brother will make an insensitive comment, or that my guy will do a runner - literally - at the worst possible moment. There's no way I will be able to relax.

So I suppose, if I'm honest, it's nice just to be able to say "see ya" and hop on a plane when I want to spend time with my family, and not have to worry about whether people are getting on....well, people outside my family getting along anyway - it's hard enough to manage the tensions within my family at the moment!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

 

[Rumors]

No offense, but since you said you guys live together I think I would have to let him know how I feel about it. I am not saying to blast him but if he has made the commitment of living with you then I think he owes you an explanation of why you aren't invited to lunch. Shit...that is just common courtesy. Quit making excuses for him and his anxiety. He is an adult in an adult relationship with someone who has feelings. If he cares about you then it should be a subject you can bring up without fear of argument to let him know it perplexes you and you don't understand and could he please explain. I am sure he is a GREAT guy but if you don't communicate now, it gets worse if you get married. I promise!!! As well, these small issues boil into larger ones down the road. Make a pact now with him to just be open about your needs so everything is on the table. If you fear upsetting him by talking to him, you should rethink the relationship. If he gets mad because you talked with him, you should rethink the relationship. Been there, done that and am now married to a guy I have zero conversation with because he gets mad at everything and anything I say and disregards it as ridiculous or me asking too much of him. It started out minimal before we were married and has worked into I just need to shut up.... Been married 13 years. Been together 17 years. The signs were there I just was too young and dumb to see them. Not saying your guy is like that, but it is better to know now than 17 years later. Just saying... Good luck.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

No offense, but since you said you guys live together I think I would have to let him know how I feel abo...

Yeah. I would be suspicious as to why my partner was so adamant in keeping me away also. Of course, I have built-in trust issues..

 

[Wastinglight]

No offense, but since you said you guys live together I think I would have to let him know how I feel abo...

I'm not taking offence, but I have already done exactly as you suggest. Sometimes it's a matter of bringing things up at the right time (although it's hard to know when is the right time!). Also, sometimes I bring stuff up and he gets defensive and makes excuses and puts it all back on me, etc, etc. But then, later on, once he's had time to calm down and think about it, he does take on what I've said.

In the past, he has always listened to me, and tried hard to address the issues I've raised. Lately, it's been a lot harder to get through to him, because he's still struggling to manage his symptoms and at the same time get used to me being there all the time. He's trying but I know he's overwhelmed.

I'm absolutely not making excuses for him. I know why he acts the way he does, and I call him on it. Me moving in with him is forcing him to step outside of his comfort zone in a big way, and he's not dealing with it very well. Time will tell if he has the capacity to adjust to this (admittedly pretty huge) change in his lifestyle, but I'm willing to give him a reasonable amount time to work through it.

 

[Rumors]

Sounds like you have already figured it out and have a plan.... Hope he gets with the program! Best wishes!

 

[Wastinglight]

Yeah. I would be suspicious as to why my partner was so adamant in keeping me away also. Of cou...

I should elaborate that I know his dad quite well, as I see him on a weekly basis, and we sometimes talk about the relationship (although not in much detail, as I think it would be disrespectful to my guy to divulge too much personal stuff). His dad knows better than anyone what he's like, so I probably shouldn't worry so much. But then again, it's easy for people to get their wires crossed and misunderstandings to occur - I see it happen between members of my own family all the time - people getting their nose out of joint because of a perceived slight or misunderstanding, even though we all know each other very well!

 

[ZebraWestie]

My husband has some similar issues and because he only has 2 brothers left in his own family who don't even want to know about his illness and so we have had no visits or contact with them for over a year now I feel the need sometimes to be with my birth family which is very large and can be loud. Our families are very different and although my family and him get on well, at the end of the day they are MY family and they have watched me grow and helped throughout my life with my personal MH struggles.i wish I could spend time with my family without him or his kids ( we each have children from previous relationships who I am F/T parent of). just wondering if his thoughts may be similar. if you can 'allow' him to spend time with his own parents, without you around, it could be a very positive thing, not only for your partner but also your relationship too. I know I spend far too much time with my partner since his illness has stopped him from working and we both find it hard as we are used to spending time apart which doesn't happen very often at the moment. why not Try to ease your worry and feelings of rejection by letting the guy spend some alone time with his parents... Maybe you can arrange to visit with your family or do something for yourself while he is lunching with them. I know I wish I could get some much needed time out from my marital and maternal responsibilities to spend a few hours with my parents just chilling out and escaping from the world of OPP (Other People's Problems!) communication is key here... I'm sure you will sort it so you can both learn a better way to deal with this problem.