Sexual Assault Relationships after rape

[finding_my_way]

Since my rape, I have fallen numb to every kiss and every romantic encounter. Even if I truly want to be with that person, I dissociate and become just an empty object for the duration of any romantic contact. Does that ever change? Do you (when do you) tell the person you are dating, especially if you go numb for even a simple kiss? I can't say I knew what any of this was like before rape (I was a virgin with only one kiss behind me), so this after-rape learning curve has been steep.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Have you gone to a therapist so that you can process your rape? Also, the therapist may better know when it's the right time to tell the person. I think I was mostly fine when I blocked mine out. Now that I am dealing with it, kind of nervous about touch.

 

[Hooper]

I started dating my wife 8 years post rape. She was a virgin and date raped by her boyfriend who told her group of friends they were going to have sex at a new years eve party without her knowledge. She didn't want to have sex until college at the time so not only was she raped but she was publicly outed as having sex. When they broke up because of it every guy in junior high was after her while she was trying to deal with what had happened. It was a dark time to say the least. When she saw our relationship was going to be long term she told me she had been raped because she thought I needed to know. It was distressing so I didn't ask any questions about it and recently she told me she was uncertain if I heard what she had said. It had no bearing on how I felt about her so it was a non issue outside of the fact that I felt terrible someone would do that to her. From what I've read you either avoid sex (hyposexual) or you try to take control of your sex life on your terms and have sex with many partners (hypersexual). She went the hypersexual route although I don't think her number of partners (13) is high considering she could have anyone she wanted and it was over a 9 year period. I don't know if that answers your question but I would say if it is an issue for someone I would drop them in a heart beat. What happened to my wife was not her fault even though she blamed herself. I wish you the best and am sorry you went through that. If you have any questions you would like to ask a man who's partner was raped I'd be happy to answer publicly or privately.

 

[finding_my_way]

@TexCat I am hoping to find a trauma-focused therapist, as mine right now doesn't seem equipped for trauma issues. Hopefully, I can work with an expert on this.

@Hooper Thank you so very much for the heartfelt reply. What you have shared is exactly what I needed to hear, and I thank you SO much for helping normalize my experience. Your words are so true to my experience and so very soothing right now.

 

[Hooper]

FMW,
You made my day. What kills me is rape seems to be normalized. My only advice on when you tell whomever you date is that you not go into details. 2 years ago I asked my wife what "exactly" happened. It was a big mistake. To say I didn't handle it well is an understatement. I'm still in therapy. I have a thread on it in PTSD Relationships "just found out the details of my wife's rape" if you want to see how poorly I handled it. You are hardly alone. This site is a great place with great people who are here for you. One was generous enough to give me her phone number and talk to me when I pm'd her. I would like to say I've made a lot of progress but it's still an open wound and it didn't even happen to me but it did happen to the person I love the most. She did the therapy thing but said the thing that helped her most was reading books on Buddhism. She gave me "The Heart of Buddha's Teaching" by Thich Nhat Hanh. Transforming suffering into peace, joy and liberation is the theme. It has helped but I think I need time. I wish you the best. PM me anytime.
hooper