Relationships - How Do You Feel About Them?

[The Albatross]

How do you feel about your personal relationship with the people around you? By which I mean, close friends, acquaintances, family, partner/significant other, therapists, doctors, psychologists, etc. Heck, even pets!

... I'd like to hear about some other relationships some of the forum members have with people.

I tend to consciously choose my personal relationships and regulate my emotions and feelings about them. I read this post a couple days ago and had to think about it for a while. As weird as it sounds, I sort them out as "necessary" or "optional". Necessary being the ones that I either whole heartedly enjoy or the ones that are consistent with my values. "Optional" ones would be aquaintences in you post, though at times I've opted out of other relationships when the effort to sustain them became greater than the benefit I received from them.

Pets, are my safe harbor... unconditional love and acceptance. People takes a more conscious effort for me. It has gotten easier with practice and sort of my own "Do unto others" approach. I try to consistently behave in a manner that will promote the way I would like people to deal with me.

Frustration tolerance is still a factor for me, I can become very frustrated at times. But I can recognize this in myself more now, and process the feelings without too much consequences from the people around me. I'm still learning though.

 

[Diamond81]

I am very grateful for the reponses and for the "truth" contained in them. I do need help, but then, I have had a LOT of "help". By that I mean for other issues but honestly, I don't know if I have ever truly addressed and faced PTSD. I am very linear about abuse and violence. There is never an excuse, never. Even though I am not sure how or at what level, even though it doesn't feel" like it, I did make a choice to lash out. I accept that and I take responsibility for it. If I were talking to a friend whose husband had done what I did to my wife, I would advise them to leave instantly and file criminal charges. As a matter of fact, this actually happend on the morning the day I did hit my wife. Call it irony or karma or coincidence, I told her after her husband had yet again used physical violence and threats against her life, to take action and she absolutley did that same day. Now, I have to ask myself what make me any different?

No one has less of my repsect than a man who would hit a woman or a child. I did tell my wife that there was nothing she did or could do, to ever "deserve" that, that no one desrves that and she didn't cause it and I was more than willing to do anything she wanted up to an including leaving the home and comply with being arrested. Everyone desrves a home and to be able to feel safe in their own home. She did call a domestic violence hotline or something lke that and she chose to share with me the things they said. I was glad to hear that the person she talked to DID say that it was probably not a wise thing on her part to antogonzie me knowing that I have PTSD, but that her safety was the issue more than anything and I agree 100%. The person did not badger her to make a decision, did not demand she leave or have me arrested but said that she thought my wife should make a plan, put some clothing and cash away in case she had to make a sudden exit. i didnt "get' the feeling my wife was trying to threaten me or she would have just never told me. I think she was taking care of herself. I think it was a very healthy thing. the person did tell her though that they would help her finanically if she chose to relocate and would pay all medical bills. I am kind of glad, if this helps my wife feel safe, that this is available. I have to let go of this and I very much DO respect any decison she feels she needs to make on her own behalf. i dont know what else to do.

But this all does trigger me even more because about 5 years ago, one of my ex step daughters absolutley made false allegations conerning sexual abuse against me and I went through 2 years of pure hell and was facing prison time. I lost custody of my son during this but eventually got him back after many long months of legal wrangling and a protracted criminal investigation which cleared me. but the damage done to my son in foster setting is irreparable and even though I am innocent of sexual abuse, I was abusive and it was almsot omre than I could do to seriously work on the issues I knew I had while trying to avoid prosecution for something I never did.but I did it thanks to an attorney who literally believed in me, a total stranger, enough to take over the case from the court appointed attorney and defend me free of charge.

But I can tell you that today, I am afraid to even hold child in my arms. I love children, always have, but I will never be alone with a child for the rest of my life by my own choice. My son has always known the things his step sister said were untrue as did her own biological parents, but the "system" is (or was at that time) setup to believe that if a kid alleges this, it is true. But I feel responsible for my son being taken from me. I feel this way because I WAS emotinally and verbally abusive and I guess this built up such resentment and anger agsinst me that my step daughter decided to punish me, I really cannot speak for her. but I have been in a place where no one believes what you say, everyone wants to putyou away, everyone thikns you are a monster and I could not even see my son except one hour a week and then in a room with microphnes, two way mirrors and a social worker standng guard.....My God.

And I am that monster again. I hurt my wife. then, even though my comment wasn't meant the way my son took it, I wounded him (or maybe he is just manipulating the situtaton) by comparing him to his drug addicted felony convicted mother.......I cannot decide..........My wife is a good person. dshe wnet through all of this with meover my ex step daughter. I say "ex" only because I divorced her mother and the ironic thingis th social services gave ME custody of her daughters because she wa sunift then turned aroundand tried to put me in prison based on false allegations........

Hell I am almost ready to go to the police and confess I hit my wife and please lock me away.....My son leaing as he did has triggered me as wel, I want to "save" him. I want to blame all of his actions on myself. But I have been clean 10 years and I fought tooth and nail to get there. I know how an addict thinks. I cannot manage his recovery or lack of recovery. In fact right now, I cannot even manage my own raging emotions and racing thoughts.........it is funny the way there are descriptions about how victims of domestic violence are always 'walkng on egg shells" around the abuser I am both the abuser and the egg shell walker how messed up is that?

 

[Diamond81]

Prime, thank you for sharing that experience. I know there is a difference between guilt and remorse, and one can be destrcutive while ther other, healing. I just don't always know which (if either) are operating sometimes. I am glad you can cry over Ulli. Maybe no one else ever has or does.

 

[Diamond81]

1;30 AM my time, struggling but am doubtful of any sleep and I cannot miss work. Lots of good opportunities today to practice some new behaviors. I tried hard today to not take blame for what my son did. this is not about me, it is about his addiction and selling drugs out of my home,then attempting to flip things on me and then further "punishing" me by not calling or in anyway letting me no he is ok. In some of my reading today on domestic abuse, I have seen that this is actually a very common dynamic between couples; minimizing and refusing to take responsibility. It is emotional abuse.

I thought things were going to be ok today. I was able to process some of this with my wife, relax a little and then, as is her custom, she began downing beer. Sometimes she just gets sleepy, but most times she becomes agitated and today of all days, she chose to once again begin another of her "attacks". I meant to hit her, I am not sorry I hit her, why don't i hit her now and finish the job, I am a sick bastard, I am worthless and even comments about "all my little friends on the PTSD board" where I can be the victim. I did not even try to defend myself or stand my ground, I walked back into the bedroom and close the door. we had previously agreed this was a definite signal to cease and desist and she has said over and over, she understands, but three times now, she has either banged on the door, stood outside the door yelling so tonight, I put Plan B into effect and informed here I was leaving to prevent things from escalating but I assured her I would return and was not abandoning her and after some parting shots, I walked out and closed the door softly as I could. I felt good about this, and practiced the first "R" I have been reading about. I went to a fast food place and hung out maybe 30 minutes, relaxed and breathed, drove home and there was a very sullen wife who in fact was even MORE angry. I went into my room and once again locked the door but when i pulled up my computer to sign on she had written some stuff in notepad so that I could not help but see it and it was but what a hypocrite I am that I would play the "victim" and walk out while she was the one who got injured. how I had a support group while she has no one, yada yada yada and of course, did go into the living room to try to diffuse the awful accusations she made which really, was not the right thing to do because she jumped up form her chair and turned her face and told me to "hit her in the f*cking other eye" and how much she just KNEW I wanted to. Man I just cannot do this, I said something to that effect and then she told me to get the f out and how she hasnt yet decide if she is going to call the Police and when I told her " do what you think is best for you" she THEN called me a heartless coward that I would leave her knowing I had done this to her and she could not even drive/ I really cold not keep up with it all but I agreed, it wouldn't be right to leave her when she cannot drive to her doctors appointment. So I told her I was going to pack a few things, get some cash from the ATM, and if there is a next tie, I am leaving for at least the night and I told her she was simply not safe to be with.

I am not sure but I think I did ok. I dont have friends so i dont get to see a lot of normal interaction with other couples. But I think I did ok. right now I just cannot allow things to escalate but I am not safe in my home and I know I will have to leave again and more than likley for good. I am coming to see that from the short time I have been here. Thanks for letting me post and thanks for listenitng

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This post has actually caused me to log in on my laptop so that I can post a bit more. Usually I'm logged in via mobile, so kudos to the OP for having a good topic on which I'm inspired to write a bit more!

Relationships? What are they? Kidding, kidding...

I am often baffled by them. I see so many people who get into relationships just so they won't be alone. (Thinking out loud so to speak, could this be part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high?) I see this in real life, and online as well (I also belong to a relationship forum).

I don't feel an overwhelming need to be attached to someone, be it a friendship or something more serious. I have always been OK by myself. I guess part of that is due to the fact that I was an only child until I was seven, coupled with the abuse which made me feel like I was the only person who could keep me safe (I still feel this way to this very day, with the exception of my spirituality, but that is another topic for another post!)

I have my family (mom, dad, younger sister, younger brother), and while I know they care, I would be OK without them. It seems odd to be saying that, but anymore I just feel like a burden to everyone and sometimes think they'd be better off if I was gone. (More of the saving them from me syndrome that I'm currently going through.)

Friends...Oh, that's a tough one. I don't think I have any right now? And I'm not bothered by it, really. An EX-friend of mine (I said goodbye to her, so she retaliates with cruel texts) tried to put me down by saying I had NO friends. In my head I thought "and?..." because she wasn't insulting me. I don't care that I don't have any friends right now! She is the sort of person who CAN'T be alone, has never been single as long as I've known her (over 10 years now), and is practically attached to the hip of her best friend (yes, the three of them make an odd dynamic, her, her significant other, and her best friend) More like I look at HER and think she's the pathetic one because she's not happy with herself so tries to fill the void with other people. But hey, to each their own. If you stuck me alone on a desert island, I would be happy as a clam. Well, make it a Swiss family Robinson Island, I need to survive somehow!

I see so many people in so much pain simply because they're lonely. I am being honest when i say I don't really know this feeling. Yes, I have felt "alone" in certain aspects, such as being the only abuse survivor, the only person who reacted to the abuse in a certain way, etc. But I found people who were similar to me in these regards, and even though I am not in touch with them anymore, simply knowing that out of 7 billion+ people out there, that there is at least one other person who feels the same as I do, is enough to make me not feel alone. (Yes, odd to say that I've felt "alone" but not "lonely", but true. Alone in regards to a specific thing, whereas Lonely is an overall feeling of being.)

ETA...Yes, you may be looking at my username and wondering what the heck? It comes from a Beyonce song off her I am...Sasha Fierce album from a few years ago. Its more about my fear of one day in the future feeling lonely, not actually feeling lonely right now. Does this make any sense? I hope so, it's 2am... And, back then, when I joined, I was being abandoned left and right as I'd just been diagnosed and my symptoms were off the wall, nobody being able to handle them, especially me. People dropping like flies made me scared that one day I'd have nobody left. Guess I really don't feel that way anymore. I'd change my name if I could, but know I can't!

 

[p-no]

I am not sure but I think I did ok.

There's something I have started to learn just about within the last 12 months. Maybe you are making the same experience? I used to think, up till then, that the "real" change lies in big changes, e.g. move away from my abuser. A lot of change lies in the so-called "little" things though: leaving the room. A lot of those "little" things done and big changes will happen. And then, the what I had perceived as "big" changes take place (e.g. leaving my ex-husband), because by the time I had shut my door or left the house various times in a row, I had come to understand what I had been doing previously when not leaving; what I had endured. And it was then inside of me the "I should leave" changed to "I want to leave and I'm leaving" in the wake of the "little" things.

 

[Diamond81]

prime no, thank you so much for your responses, wisdom, hope and experience. I am so greatful to have found this site and the information I've digested has made a ton of difference. I realize how much of a vacuum I live in, how secondary PTSD on top of primary PTSD undermines everything including my judgement. I love and care for my wife, and I am way past whose "fault" it is. This is a destructive and toxic relationship and I cannot fix it. I accept my part in this. I have only recently begun to become aware of how I am almost always in a PTSD state, and more than likely have been for a long time. But if there is such a thing as "funcitonal" PTSD, that allows me to work, etc, I am sure that's where I am. I am so used to all of this that it feels "normal". It is not normal and once it seeps into my being that I deserve better can have better, and that I have some self worth, have an ilness that I need to accept and seek help for, I might actually be able to have some sort of life.