Resentment of a coworker- thoughts? Challenges?

[Muttly]

So, the department I work at right now is pretty dysfunctional. For many reasons, not just the ones I am going to mention, I am trying to get out. Currently, I am a bit trapped. I feeling a lot of resentment regarding one particular coworker. I feel it's out of porportion and I don't get why I am so focused on her. There are 4 of us that are roughly at the same level. I have more experience than them. Two of them have completed the schooling to become licensed veterinary techs. Myself and B have not.

Compared to the two who have completed thier tech program, B is the smartest and most able to learn and work independantly. The newest tech work ethic was awful at first but has definitely improved. She's not quick to learn and seems to sometimes lack common sense too. I've seen a lot of growth in her the last few months. She still has a lot more growing to do and theres times when she's incredibly frustrating to work with. I have no bad feelings towards her though. The other tech... I have a lot of compassion for. She has a lot of anxiety and she doesn't have the right mental/emotional skills to do the job she is doing. Maybe in a slow clinic where she could get a lot of coaching. She's made some big mistakes and is just getting worse. I feel bad for her, but I agree with everyone else. Unless a supervisor (ours is useless) steps up to really coach, monitor and manage her, she needs to either quit or be fired. It makes me sad that our shitty supervisor and administration have let it get to that point.

Then there is B. She is smart and a good learnner. She is easy to get along with. I always found her a bit work-avoidant. I also know that I'm a very work-driven person. I get that I have a high performance drive (or whatever) and not everyone does. She used to manage to avoid unfun tasks but still come close to doing her share. Then she was going to leave because she wasn't getting paid enough. They gave her a raise. She now makes significantly more than me. So yes, that's part of the resentment. She has less experience. She's worked thier less long. She has taken on less extra responsibility. She gets paid more. Bleh. I don't think that's the main resentment. I feel like what work ethic she has had has tanked. She does what is needed and obvious but never does any of the shared tasks. She broke up with her boyfriend and was having a lot of anxiety and such. She has spent days where she didn't even do the bare minimum. She would move from one persont o another spewing her life issues. It felt, to me, like eveyrone felt bad for her and considered it understandable and didn't see it as a larger pattern. (She'd had other times where this had happened to a smaller degree),. She complains a lot about the other coworkers. Yesterday she was sitting thier while the rest of us worked complaining about them and then went on to complain about our supervisor. (Ok, our supeversior is worth complaining about). That day she was assigned to phones/emails. Her specific complaint was that our supervisor caught her working on a bible study assignment at a time when there were no new emails/phones. The thing is, there are shared tasks we are all supposed to work on when there is downtime. Of course she wasn't doing them. Of course she didn't check to see if anyone else needed help. Did I say any of this to her? No, because I was too angry. And no, because I'm not her freaking supervisor and I already do a ton and manage the group a lot of the time because our supervisor is so absent. I didn't engage in the conversation at all.

I'm not saying my feelings are wrong, I just don't understand why they are so strong and lasting. My feelings about her can ruin a day, which is ridiculous. I am open to challenges.

 

[abovedown]

When I start to get irritated with my colleagues/neighbors etc and it doesn't go away with the situation, I have learned to tune in myself to try to figure out why someone makes me feel a certain way. Years ago I was irritated with a fellow colleague who was a bit pushover and imho bit overly ambitious with his career. He got involved in tasks he didn't know almost anything and usually just created hazzle rather than actually helping. He successfully got a permanent position while meanwhile several others was kept on temporary positions. I was a bit jealous of him, not because of his work but because of his drive forward. He really seemed to know what he wanted to do with his career. And while I disliked his methods, he indirectly helped me to find where I wanted focus on my career.

I think you need to discuss of this situation with your manager. And as you planned looking for other positions is a good idea too.

 

[arfie]

I just don't understand why they are so strong and lasting. My feelings about her can ruin a day, which is ridiculous. I am open to challenges.

in my own case, among the common reasons i have found for this effect is that i share one or more of the quirks i see in the subject of my obsession.

"when i point a finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointed back at me." ~anon

i have a finger-pointing exercise i do when i am caught in this conundrum. i visualize the person i am obsessing about in a chair in front of me. sometimes i place a picture of the person in an actual chair to help with the visualization. i then point my hoary finger of blame at the visualization and let it have it, no holds barred. it helps me focus the issues.

i then lift my hoary finger of blame to contemplate the three fingers pointed back at me. therein live the solutions.

but that is me and every case is unique. steadying support while you find what works for you.

 

[scout86]

don't understand why they are so strong and lasting

I really like the way you're approaching all this!

Once upon a time, I had a job that I worked at for about 7 years. Long hours, always on call, but I liked my boss and I liked what I was doing, so that was fine. Never got a raise the whole time. In fact, I got my housing as a part of my job &, at one point, my boss's wife decided I should pay my own utilities so basically had a pay cut. Eventually, my boss died, I couldn't work for his wife, I moved on. The person they hired to replace me didn't have the knowledge I had or the work ethic. But, he started off making more money than I did and periodically threatened to quit so he got a number of raises. That bothered me. (Ok, it bothered me a lot. LOL) You know, you put your heart & soul into something and it goes unrecognized, someone else does less and is apparently appreciated.....

Your situation reminds me of that. What bothered me the most wasn't the money, it was the lack of appreciation. (My original boss appreciated me fine. I suspect he'd have had no problem giving me a raise. It was a family business and his wife has a lot to say about what I got paid.) But the thing that REALLY bothered me was that I didn't do a good job of advocating for myself when it came to pay & benefits. The whole thing was kind of rolled up into what seemed like one big problem. Thinking back on it, and going forward from there, I tried to let my job just be my job. If I want to feel appreciated and valued, I look for it other places. If I get it at work too, that's great, but what I really expect from a job is a paycheck.

 

[Movingforward10]

Maybe it's the not being seen and not being valued that hits deep?

With her getting paid more than you. Can you raise that and ask to be paid the same. Highlight the discrepancy?

Will radical acceptance help? She is how she is. They let her be how she is. None of that will change. So can you hold it differently?

 

[Muttly]

I think you need to discuss of this situation with your manager.

I am done trying to talk to this particular manager. I have actually brought this up. All she will do is ask me what I've done to fix the situation. She will then come up with some lame brain idea to improve efficiency that has nothing to do with what's actually been discussed.

I have learned to tune in myself to try to figure out why someone makes me feel a certain way.

then point my hoary finger of blame at the visualization and let it have it, no holds barred. it helps me focus the issues.

Ok I have done some thinking. I think there are two big pieces. I'm not proud of either one.

One thing is in some areas she is probably getting more skilled than I am. And part of that is she probably is just more coordinated/able than I am. And that sucks and I feel like I should be able to appreciate her successes. Part of her getting more skilled is she's being given more opportunities that part really stings. That part feels like it hits into old trigger/patterns. I'm working my ass off and she's sitting there. So since she's sitting there, people are like "hey, B, let's show you how to do this".

And that isn't just an issue specific to her. Shortly after I started another employee and then B were hired. And our supervisor was just absent, so I was training them while still learning the job. And there were times early on, where I was being nice so I kept stepping back to give others the opportunity to learn some of the new stuff. And because I don't have my certification yet, the ones who have gotten it are being prioritized on being taught stuff. And now I'm on my externship to gain those same skills and no one can take the time to help me do stuff. We have students, who don't work there, who are getting taught things because it's a program my supervisor came up with to make herself look good and that's the freaking priority. Not me. So learning those skills, boils down to the rare occasion when things are slower and since B takes those times as a chance to do nothing, she's able to jump in and be taught while I'm off doing something.

... whine whine whine. I can spin myself in circles with this stuff. Because I will beat myself up for not being more outspoken and demanding. And I'll tell myself I can step back and coast and do less and stop complaining about the fact I'm doing more and missing out on stuff. And all that is true, but my externship is forcing me to be outspoken and I find myself lately going to other departments to get taught and the opportunity for skills because what I am still not getting what I need.

it was the lack of appreciation.

Maybe it's the not being seen and not being valued that hits deep?

Hmm...At first this felt right, but it's not quite right. I mean, I don't feel appreciated by my supervisor but that's not specific to me. She just is oblivious and unsupported. I feel appreciated and seen by the doctors. I know they like and trust me and our grateful that I am there.

Wait. I'm being oblivious. What I just wrote above is where I'm not being seen. I'm struggling so hard to do this externship, learn in general, do my job, support everyone (the residents lean on me a fair bit) and yet I don't feel like I get extra time, coaching, etc back. In that way I am taken for granted.

Will radical acceptance help?

I'd tried that and hadn't succeeded. I think maybe understand what's going on with me, will help bring my feelings about b down.

Can you raise that and ask to be paid the same. Highlight the discrepancy?

*sigh* I've been thinking about this but I can't figure out how to make it work. I get all tangled up. B got the raise because she said she was going to leave. I can't leave because my husband is getting his tuition cut in half because of my job. I am not going to lie and say I am leaving when I'm not. I don't think my supervisor will be supportive if I just point out there's a discrepancy. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a wuss. It all feels more complicated since supposed this other department's position that I've been waiting for is supposed to open.

 

[scout86]

Who does your supervisor report to? In my experience, there usually aren't a lot of layers of bureaucracy in a vet clinic. Would it work to mention to someone further up the bureaucracy that you'd really like more opportunities to learn new skills? Maybe ask what you should do to get those opportunities? I'd be that your supervisor's boss has now idea what's going on. All they notice is that things are working. (Or not.)

If your husband is getting a break on tuition because of your job, I guess that counts as a form of compensation. Maybe that's how they're looking at it? I've never been good at asking for raises. I've always kind of operated from the assumption that I was getting paid what they could afford or what they felt I was worth, so why ask? That assumption is wrong most of the time. Most of the time, they pay you what they need to pay you to get stuff done. No more than absolutely necessary. A business decision, you know? I'm self employed these days and STILL have trouble raising my prices. LOL

 

[arfie]

I think there are two big pieces. I'm not proud of either one.

i opine that you should be very proud of these insights. it's not about being perfect. it's about working it out and, girl howdy, i think that you are working out with the mindfulness of a healing warrior! ! ! do that do, my darling you.

just opining. . .

continued support while you work it out in your own unique manner. stay brave.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

I'm struggling with something similar at work. I don't have a lot of advice save for this:

I invest so much energy hating one particular coworker. And the more I can put up emotional boundaries and use radical acceptance of the situation, the better I feel about everything. I have no power to change the hierarchies and innate systemic issues, and my job is also not to change the system. I just have to protect myself while building towards something better. And it sounds like you are building towards something better, so maybe it's just a matter of putting some emotional distance between you and work while you build that up?