Resurgence Of Trauma Flooding: Looking For Connections With Those Who Have Been There

[dharmaBum]

I'm under an extreme amount of stress, with a drug-addiction/child neglect crisis close friends are going through triggering flooding memories of my own similar experiences as a vulnerable child. Going through the fire of the crisis I remained calm and capable, except that on two crucial occasions my cognitively fatigued brain (from having to process/experience their trauma while simultaneously keeping overwhelm from my own past-trauma at bay) blanked completely on essential details that have impacted the out-of-home placement of my friends children.

Last night though, when it became clear that everything would be in stasis for 30 days, that is when my brain/memories went into overdrive. I noticed this was happening as I tried to sleep in bed with my husband, and also that toxic self-criticism was lying alongside me at a time when I needed comfort, not critiquing.

I tried many things to get out of the flood of memories of so many bad things that have happened to me replaying in detail in my mind:

• Deep breathing
• Taking a bath
• Thinking about something else
• Eye movements with conscious detail recognition
• Analyzing the memories and accompanying emotions for identifiable themes
• Positive focus on a positive childhood memory
• Connecting with others (it was midnight and later- I tried friendly online venues to no avail)

I finally took a quarter of my prescription sleep medication and was able to sleep uninterrupted pretty quickly for 5 hours until it was time to start a new day. I was groggy and felt bad, but 3 hours later I feel more my normal self. My prescription is for Ambien and the drug insert says that if you don't have 8 hours to sleep, don't take it. Good thing I didn't have to fly a plane first thing!

Now I have a busy day and paper work to do involving my friends who are drug-addicts and their request that I become the temporary non-relative out-of-home placement for their four children ages 1, 4, 6, and 9- against the standard-procedure the state has to place the children with relatives or licensed foster parents (we are not) AND the desires of the grandparents on both sides who are willing to care for some of the children, but that results in close relationships split between households. My friends are asking for this because it is their legal right (even though they created the risk by doing drugs with known addiction-histories and a previous voluntary out-of-home placement for two of the children) to request a placement of their preference AND because they both allege that their respective mothers are mentally unfit caregivers who are not able to treat all children in this highly mixed-parentage sibling set equally lovingly.

The last time I did paperwork on this case, a criminal history background check, I missed half the questions and had to return to the state office to correct the errors, even though I thought I did it right. So that would be the third time that my usually high-functioning cognition has broken down in this setting in the last week. The first was on a phone call when the state was determining if I had a close enough bond with the children for emergency placement- I lapsed in factual memory making a 6 month error in the timeline of our recent interactions and the state determined the bond was not close. Testifying on the stand at the dependency hearing I lapsed again in factual recall, but could see from other's reactions that I had mis-stated the facts and corrected. The question was, "When was the last time you were at the house of the family?" I and my husband had been there 3 times in the last month and half, but I said, "The last time I saw the mother face to face was 8 months ago". I meant, the last time before most recently- but we are talking court here, and they needed to get THE LAST TIME in the record. The real, factual, last time.

UGGGHHHHHH!!! I need some support here! When this same mom was going through drug-use trouble in the past and her children (then two aged 3 and 6) were placed out of the home, I had to decline to help because PTSD from my own involvement as a prior-victim in a criminal child-rape case was totally overwhelming, not to mention all of the child abuse and neglect memories triggered by my concerns (which I reported) about what might be going on for her children. Now they are asking me to help them in a kind of us-vs-the-system battle, a battle which they have a legal right to, but which might be too overwhelming for me to partake in.

I am really glad that my self-care and support is much healthier now. It is compelling and positive that I noticed the flooding and bad thoughts about myself and was able to stop it if even for a while. In the past, before I was aware of my PTSD issues, I would have stayed in bed with continual flooding unable to sleep the whole night trying to figure out each memory and drowning in faulty self-negativism. The hours would have passed like moments and I would be in shock when the sun rose. And then I would have got out of bed, probably had a vomitous headache, and headed to work as a preschool teacher.

 

[bethinhfx]

Wow- that sounds like a lot. I am not sure I could handle that. I do "flood" with emotions which I do find confusing and debilitating. I actually came onto this forum because I was flooding emotionally; having to leave school. I have had very little support here. I guess I didn't really understand how much support I needed. People keep trying to get me to work and I keep having breakdowns but I am smartening up. I think the best advice a person can get is too take care of yourself; to solve and support yourself.

You can only be there for others as much as you take care of yourself. I always used to try to be a hero and I burned myself out. Now, I intuitively help people because I am taking care of myself. I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I just came out of denial about something that is causing me distress but I have set up counselling and I am not doing anything...I didn't go to school last week and I am not going tomorrow until I am able to deal with some of the very difficult emotions that are stirring in my soul. Take care of yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

dharma, sounds like you've done everything and are very self-aware.
I can only think of, keep doing more of the same, walk or swim also, to blow off adrenaline, vent and talk about what you can, take a 'sick day' if you are sure it is too overwhelming, and use that day to bring your stress levels down.
((((((HUgs))))))), it's horrible and difficult.

 

[dharmaBum]

Thank you for the feedback folks. After spending enough time overwhelmed with triggers I was able to identify one or two that are just unnecessary and am working to avoid them. Did I mention that tomorrow the criminal defendant's appeal in the child rape case that triggered my most recent PTSD breakdown (3 years ago) is slated to be accepted or rejected by the state Supreme Court? The defendant is contesting the admissibility of my testimony as a prior victim, and it's quite possible he will win, because the law that allowed my testimony was very recently ruled unconstitutional due to a procedural violation of the separation of powers doctrine that defines much of governmental "balance" in the United States.

One "happy place" thought that helped me over the last week was to really remember a time in my life when I was functioning well without PTSD symptoms. To feel what that felt like, to know that it is possible again. I also stopped taking any regular allergy medication that seemed to have an adverse affect- a feeling of not being "well" or "like myself". Today I got to garden outside with kids and make my friend's son his favorite food for lunch, and visit a park with a different friend and her son, and cuddle our daughter tons and tons and tons.

We even had the troubled couple over for dinner and I hardly started shaking, like shock, which shows me that I am feeling stronger, and more centered and grounded. When I sat in on a meeting with them at CPS, I shook from my core for about 2 hours solid out of the 3 hours I was there. I might have even shook longer than that, because it seemed to start almost as soon as the meeting started. It helped that I drank warm tea and ate food tonight while they talked about their situation.