Revealed biggest secret to t but can’t cry!

[RoadtoHappy]

After 8 morn s with my T I finally told her my biggest secret. Something about that night that I have never told another soul. I had opened up before about some other things that I eventually told my husband and best friend too but this thing is something I can never bring myself to tell anyone else. I left her offfice and couldn’t drive for 30 minutes I was so spaced and upset. I also vomited in her bin AGAIN which gives me even more awful shame.

my body is over anxious and emotional. I got home and sat with a knife in my hand contemplating cutting the pain out of me but then I decided to go fro a drive and listen to music. When I got home I curled up My husband was away from the night and I was happy he don’t see me in such an awful state.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from me telling her. I feel mentally that I made a breakthrough but emotionally I can’t control my feelings of disgust and shame. I feel like I could explode but I just can’t cry.

Does anyone else suffer from a crying block even when they hit rock bottom or am I just broken?

 

[UnicornSightings]

There’s no rule you have to cry. You’re overwhelmed right now. I don’t cry at my stuff and I’m pretty ok with it. Trust your body will release it when it’s the right time. And congratulations! That’s so huge to share your biggest secret!!!!

 

[Emotional girl]

I think everyone deals with therapy in different ways and whatever is comfortable for them.
If you feel like you can't cry you shouldn't over think it or see it as a failure because it really isn't.We are all humans and all deal with painful things in different ways.
You have been extremely brave telling her what has been troubling you and it shows that you trust her which is amazing

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you're not broken!

There is no rule when it comes to feelings. You'll cry when you are ready. Maybe its just too overwhelming to your system to cry right now?

Hugs.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm feeling similarly in regards to numbness and an inability to cry. I thought I would 'crash' the last few days but no tears. SI, fear... But not a single tear. It is worrysom to me.

Sorry to the thread author.. What a terrible thing. But how great you were able to share a secret. That's healing...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does anyone else suffer from a crying block even when they hit rock bottom or am I just broken?

I don't remember the last time I've cried. I was around 6 or 7 and learned very fast that wasn't to be done and how to be tortured without crying at all. However, that has caused me to never shed a tear as an adult. One tear fell once and it was when I was rereading one of my threads here about my trauma but I don't classify that as crying as it was one tear, I wasn't crying as one would see as crying as the tear fell out of nowhere, and then I was perplexed at what in the world it was and why was it on my face. It confused me for sure. Now close to 9 yrs in therapy I have yet to cry once. I go flat affect and matter of fact when speaking about my trauma. Like I am giving you the weather...when speaking of torture that was done to me. I do have a certian way where my eyes hit the floor and I start to studder and start to disossiate but no crying. I have been at several funerals and was told I was cold hearted because I wasn't crying. I think it will happen one day and hopefully my therapist is there when it does as i feel like someone will need to be there as I fear it will be an event but you are not broken and there is nothing wrong with you. My therapist says that the lack of the ability to cry and a flat affect is very normal with trauma victims. I think its something some of us learn how to do. How not to cry. I am still healing. Even though I have yet to cry. So its not necessary for healing and foward steps. And it will happen when it happens.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I cried once in the nearly 10 months I've been there, and I have talked about a lot of emotional things... but it's so hard for me to cry in front of people. I'm surprised I did it at all.

It's ok to not cry, as it is ok to cry. I am glad you were able to get this out though. Those times can be so tough and scary.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I just re-read your original post...I have to ask, how did your T react to the vomit thing? That is something I worry about at times, not sure it would ever happen but I'd feel so awful if it did, did they handle it ok?

 

[RoadtoHappy]

I just re-read your original post...I have to ask, how did your T react to the vomit thing? That is...

Hi,

Well the vomiting has become a common reaction. I’ve vomitted at least 5 times in session. The first few times I was beyond mortified and kept asking could I leave to go to the bathroom but she was so calm and kept saying it’s ok and she doesn’t mind it’s onky puke.. I do freak out and panic but there’s nothing I can do to stop it. My T would ask can she sit bedside me, she doesn’t ask Anymore just moves to the seat beside me or sometimes she kneels beside me and she either holds my hair, holds the bin, rubs my back and twice she placed her hand on my forehead. I’m 30 and feel like I’m about 5. Its embarrassing and shameful but I’m used to it by now and it’s actually very comforting so I do really appreciate her gestures. The worst is knowing she has to wash the bin after a session and will never let me do it.

She reassures me it happens and it’s ok and my husband says the same so I try not Work myself up about it.

So from someone that regularly vomits in session don’t worry about it. Your T will definitely not judge you and will understand. They are T’s because they are compassionate so they will understand.

Ugh I won’t lie though it is very embarrassing but just have to get on with it.

Wish you the best of luck with your healing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It’s like you are telling my story. That is how strongly I identify with you. The cutting is such an illusion it never really helps in the long run. It’s just a way to redirect the shame and terror. I still have some secrets I just can’t make words for it. I think I should speak, but I just can’t. I also puke in therapy. Sometimes I can calm myself or maybe my t walks me out of it. It’s ok if you don’t cry. I know people say it’s a relief to cry but I learned very young to show no tears. It just would lead to more humiliation. When I have a pet that dies, I cry an ocean.
I think you are very brave to have let that secret out. I truly hope for you that it will lead to more peace for you.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

"When I have a pet that dies, I cry an ocean." Oh how I relate to that. Never in front of people though. That's hard for me

As for the vomiting, I am not sure I ever will, I just think about all kinds of possible things that could happen and how I'd handle it, but I am glad your therapist is good about it, and not phased.

 

[Rose White]

Every week when I go to therapy I wonder if it will be the week when i finally cry. Has it happened yet? Nope! Just my body trembling and sweating on a “good” release day, or rigid and silent on a “bad” release day.

I even started going to emotional release massage. Cried a little bit at the first appointment, just from being overwhelmed that someone was touching me—my first professional massage. But since then I have gotten quieter and less emotional at these bodywork sessions!

It’s as if once my mind realizes that crying is possible it closes off that channel. Cry once, never again.

I even complained about it to my regular therapist. I said, I’m going to this emotional release massage and there are no emotions coming out, just my body shaking in fear, which is what has always happened to me since I was a teenager whenever a guy tried to get close to me physically or emotionally. T said that the shaking WAS the emotional release. But it’s weird because I don’t “feel” any emotions associated with it! Massage therapist said the shaking and sweating is old fear. I’m supposed to tell myself that I’m safe while it’s happening. It doesn’t feel like a release, it feels like a barrier.

Maybe the old fear IS a barrier. How is there so much of it in me? It feels like I’m constantly trembling these days, just under the surface. I’m not sure if I’m just noticing it more or it’s coming out of me now—maybe both. I suppose if I lived 40 years in denial about the abuse and lived with my abuser all that time, it might take a while for these things to work their way out of me.

I hope you find the gateway to those tears. I hear they are more comforting than any hug.