Roller Coaster ride of Suicidal Ideation

[FauxLiz]

I really struggled with how to title this post. Several months ago at a very low point I set what I called a "Drop Dead Day" which was just like what it sounded. I have been on a roller coaster of suicidal ideation for nearly 40 years. This date is one that was chosen for many reasons and had significance for me for several reasons. That day is now less than 30 days away and while today I am not of a mindset to carry out one of several plans I have I was really thrown today when my new T brought it up during our session as my previous T had contacted him to make sure he was aware of the situation. His bringing this up brought all of this back to the forefront of my mind. It was a difficult holiday weekend and I found myself isolating even when I knew I should be making an appearance at community events. I really struggled with focus at work today both before and after the session I have also been struggling the last couple of weeks with work. Fear of failure, difficulty keeping employee names straight, panic attacks that I am messing something up, panic attacks when I have a voicemail (partially because at my last job I the board I worked for would frequently dial direct into my voicemail and leave me nasty messages.

Anyway, I am not sure what I could use right now this and if I was still seeing my previous T I would email or text him but neither is an option with my new T. I just had another major stressor thrown in my lap with only a couple of days to make a decision. I am really scared that I am going to screw something up at work, with my kids everything and everyone.

 

[FauxLiz]

So much has happened in the last 24 hours, I have a huge decision to make I am feeling overwhelmed at work and hopeless and I am struggling with what steps to take in my work and personal life. I don't see T again until the 17th and don't have any backup like I am used to and comfortable with. I have no email contact with my new T and I barely feel comfortable talking to the new T about these things so the idea of calling their help line while he is out of the office for 10 days.

 

[FauxLiz]

Really struggling today but not sure I can or should do what may be necessary. I look around and I know that others don't see my depression they don't even notice how off I have been all week. It's Friday and I worry that what I really need is to check myself in somewhere safe but this early on the job, limited time off available and all the things going on at work I don't really have 72 hours minimum that I could disappear and not have a significant impact on others. I feel like my meds are off but I don't even know how to fix that as I have terminated with P-doc and the earliest I could get into a new P-doc where I live now is the end November.

Gosh this week has just been so hard.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to hear that this has been such a tough week for you @FauxLiz

I’m afraid I don’t have any wise words around your situation/SI etc but I wanted to post so that you knew you’d been heard here.

Take care this weekend.

 

[FauxLiz]

@barefoot thank you I appreciate you reaching out to me.

 

[FauxLiz]

So after reaching a really low point yesterday waiting to here if I was getting a new place I reached out to my son and used the excuse that I had forgotten to send him his dress shoes for an event next week as a reason to meet up. I drove just over three hours and he drove an hour and we shopped, had supper got a hug and went our separate ways. The drive home though was an agonizing plunge downward. In spite of the new place it feels like one positive thing happened this week, and twenty cascading negative thing happened to offset the one. Just really tough to find a way to fight my way up for air.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Do you feel safe right now @FauxLiz ?

You are a fighter for sure, forty years of these awful thoughts of suicide and you are still truckin'. I'm worried though that you may need more care. Waiting until November seems dangerous because you need your meds adjusted or at minimum a little more help. I am so very sorry you are in this place, please have patience with yourself.

 

[Freida]

Can you call your T and ask for an emergency appointment? Maybe he can get you in before the appointment. Or possibly refer you to someone who could help keep you grounded until you can see him?

 

[FauxLiz]

@MrMoonlight I am struggling to be honest with feeling safe. In spite of all my reservations I reached out to a chat line this weekend and I also looked into what the options/locations would be if I did end up inpatient to re-calibrate my meds. I am just struggling with whether or not I would still have a job when it was all said and done.

@Freida I can't call him for an emergency appoint as he is out of the office for 10 days. I am hoping that when he does return he might be able to get an earlier appointment with the P-doc but honestly I am not holding my breath. My biggest question right now is did I go back to work before I was truly ready. I don't know that I had any other options but to go back to work from a financial standpoint but I am really questioning it from a mental health stand point now.

 

[Abstract]

Sometimes we just have to do what we need to do and then deal with the next steps when they happen. It can be really hard when we feel all options may have important consequences. It seems you are saying you need professional help and if that is the case getting it is the wise and right choice. You won't be any use to your job if you stay and further deteriorate and with possible consequences of a certain type. Please stay safe. Your wellbeing and safety is very important. Sending you strenght and support.

 

[FauxLiz]

Another day on this roller coaster ride. I really struggled at work today, I had a report to get out that was all numbers and I felt like a complete failure struggling to get the numbers out of the system and put them in the format needed for the report. I should be riding high, I got the new apartment/house that I wanted but I am overwhelmed by the idea of repacking everything for the move. T is out of the office this week so no appointment not that I feel like I could tell him about how I am feeling. I worry that he will IVC me the first chance he gets because every time the subject of SI comes up (at each appointment "because its protocol") he talks about his liability if something happened and he didn't prevent it.

 

[Joan]

So sorry that things are so hard! I am excited you got the new place, but understand the anount of work facing you. I agree with what someone else said that sometimes we just have to go with the "best" thing for the moment and then face the fall out later. Better for you to be safe and meds adjusted?? That is rough with no p doc and no T...kind of left you out on your own. Please take sweet care of you and keep reaching out for supprt.