General Rough Patch

[willis williams]

There are three people kinda. My fiance got me when I refused to give in. I didnt want a relationship of any stile. She was devorced with three kids working 2 jobs one at the colledge and delivering pizza at night while getting her degree full time credits. her X was no were to be found so she was doing everything buy herself kids and all. We became friends with benifits but she said I couldn't be getting it anyware else. So I did what I wanted to a lot of self destructive things and she would always be there with a warm body and a soft shoulder I was stupid I didn't realize that she had already feel in love with me I'm a guy give me a break. The whole time she was becoming my best friend we told each other everything except combat shit. I thought I had it made all the lovin a guy could want and a pal to talk to and she would do some crazy shit with me it was great. The trick was I had never really been in a healthy relationship I did not no that people do these kinda things. Guess what I feel in love with her without knowing. I allways say she baited me with booty and smoothered me with love and I thaught I was smarter than that but I am still with her and a 1 1/2 yr. old son she is a very strong woman when I start throwing a fit or shut down she doesn't even try to help anymore she just has a lot of girl time visit family what ever. Oh the good thing is she is ten years younger and I am going to need somebody to take care of me when I'm 50 because i have managed to break most my bones over the stupid ride i was on working on the road extra coricular activities. I really love her very much the only challenge left is I'm still teaching her how to cook. But I am a very lucky man.

 

[sisu]

Wow Tex. Sounds like you both very lucky to have found each other. And it's so nice to read that your recognize that fact. She sounds like a special woman. And I think you are in a better place with your counseling every 2 weeks. My BF doesn't do any type of counseling. He does take meds and has an appointment at the VA with the psych doc for the prescription renewal. They talk about 15 minutes, but that is it. I think he would benefit from therapy, but he sees that as a sign of weakness. Plus he doesn't trust civilian docs. Maybe when he is over this shut down I will try to encourage him to try therapy...maybe we can find a military psych doc who specializes in ptsd that he likes.

He was diagnosed about 7 years ago with ptsd and was admitted to the VA psych ward shortly after his return in 2004 to get his meds adjusted. He was in about a week, was supposed to be in 2 weeks but got out somehow. Without meds he is a basket case....paranoid, hypervigilent, depressed, etc. You know the drill. On meds he is laid back and not as animated, but he feels better. I think he takes 6 pills in the AM and 4 in the PM.

I love this man....there are limitations to his ptsd and I am totally okay with that. We cannot go to rock concerts, pro sports games, any crowded event (fairs, festivals, etc.), fireworks shows or anything loud. He likes to sit facing the door when we go out to eat. There are a few other quirks, but none of them bother me. Our favorite thing to do is play Yahtzee and make it into other games.....like, strip Yahtzee or drink Yahtzee. I am kind of a home body too so it does not bother me in the least not to go out. I got all that shit out of my system in my 20's. When he is my BF, we really just enjoy each others company...we laugh and talk and just have fun.

I pray that we can make it through the other side of this shut down and I can speak to the BF instead of the ptsd and we can learn, grow and move forward from this. The waiting is the hard part.....but, I have plans with my girlfriends this weekend.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

I pray that we can make it through the other side of this shut down and I can speak to the BF instead of the ptsd and we can learn, grow and move forward from this. The waiting is the hard part.....but, I have plans with my girlfriends this weekend.

Hi Elizabeth, yeah waiting is hard and you'll find there's no way of knowing when you're nearing the end of the shut down so your patience will be tested. Sorry but that's a fact. I hope that you can take this as a bit of friendly advice so you don't have expectations about how long it will take. I can tell you really love him and as long as you accept you cannot force change and continue to want to be with him, we are here to walk with you and support you when we can

Good to hear you have arranged some time with your girlfriends Link Removed
With love & respect. RG x

 

[sisu]

We are supposed to meet next week to chat. Not sure if it's a good idea or not.....last shut down we did break up and we were apart for a couple of years. (I have known him for almost 4 years) By the time he felt better he figured I was gone and hated him anyway for his behavior. (I never hated him) This time we have decided to take a break instead of breaking up. I didn't want the ptsd to decide when to end our relationship. Plus what we do have most of the time is amazing. And you are right Resilientgirl, I do love this man soooo much.

When we meet I hope to be able to reassure him that I am not going anywhere. That I understand as best I can without experiencing it and that I love and support him. I will let him know that I am taking this break to see my girlfriends and family and that it really is okay. The other part of this is that neither one is in a position to be married or live together for quite a while anyway. The reason is kids and their school - neither one of us wants to uproot our kids. So we have a serious loving relationship that will probably remain that for several years. I am quite happy with the arrangement as is he. We live about 25 minutes away from each other.

Because we are on a break and he is in a shut down, this is all new territory for me. As I said before we just broke up and I never knew about it. He tends to push everyone away when he is like this and can only function in the essentials in life...work, school and kids.

So.....any suggestions for our meeting next week?? He will still be in shut down mode I am sure. I would love to set some boundaries like - please text or call me every few days so I know you are okay. But I don't know if that is appropriate or not. Any thoughts would help.

Thank you so much for all of your insight and stories. This site is amazing as are the people on it!! Much love XXOO

 

[NikkiNikki]

((hugs)) I am going through the same thing right not myself....its so so hard!! At least your BF is willing to meet with you...mine wont talk to me at all. But then again you two have been together a lot longer than we have.

 

[sisu]

I am not sure that I should meet with him during his shut down - I may cancel. It is hard and confusing. And this break during the shut down instead of breaking up is new territory for me. I do not know what the right thing to do is....

 

[willis williams]

Do what is in your heart remember that he is having a hard go of it but he also loves you and would want you to be happy and healthy. Sometimes you just have to trust your heart you know which voices are your heart becuase they are not arguing. I'm hoping the best for you and we will still be here for you the best a bunch of people with PTSD or peolpe that suffer the before, during, and after of this conditions mental swings can.TEX

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Sometimes you just have to trust your heart you know which voices are your heart becuase they are not arguing.TEX

TEX, I love your way with words! And if we do what is in our hearts then I think we are being truthful to ourselves.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

We are supposed to meet next week to chat.

When we meet I hope to be able to reassure him that I am not going anywhere. That I understand as best I can without experiencing it and that I love and support him. I will let him know that I am taking this break to see my girlfriends and family and that it really is okay.

He tends to push everyone away when he is like this and can only function in the essentials in life...work, school and kids.

So.....any suggestions for our meeting next week?? He will still be in shut down mode I am sure. I would love to set some boundaries like - please text or call me every few days so I know you are okay. But I don't know if that is appropriate or not. Any thoughts would help.

Hi Elizabeth

If your BF functions in the essentials the structure can be helpful but that sounds like a huge amount of responsibility. work, school and kids for someone with PTSD.

He wont need any extra pressure so asking him to keep in touch x amount of times a week could be too much. IMHO this wouldn't be a helpful boundary. Maybe boundaries can be looked at when you are through this period in preparation before it happens again. Even if he agreed to text you every few days, wouldn't it add to him feeling bad about himself if he wasn't able to achieve that.

If you're anything like me you want to do something to help. But sometimes there is nothing for you to do but be patient. Any gesture of kindness you make is likely not to be acknowledged and your brain wont understand why. It takes time to educate our minds to a new way of thinking.

Someone once said that our partners are very selfish. Maybe it looks that way but it is part of their illness and is actually self preservation. So be gentle and kind to yourself and your BF.

Hope some of that makes sense, I feel like I talk in riddles sometimes but here most times people understand. I'm tired so time for bed. Nighty night. oxxo

 

[sisu]

Tex - you are one insightful guy. And your words always seem to teach me something more that I hadn't considered. I actually feel quite strong right now and am in a very good place mentally about all of this. Thank you RG - your perspective is awesome because you have experienced all of this with your husband and know what is feels like to be on this side of it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I am still not sure what I am going to do. I DO NOT want to cause him more stress so I think I will see if he contacts me about the meeting. We left it as we will reconfirm the time/place if we do go forward with the meeting. If he contacts me then I will go. If he doesn't, I will wait for a better time. Knowing that these shut downs do end eventually makes it a bit easier....and I am sort of enjoying the time with my girlfriends. Link Removed

The funny thing is .... I can see and he knows why he is shutting down. We even talked about the reasons why, it was the actual shut down that couldn't be stopped. I KNOW he has a lot on his plate right now, but I truly believe that the trigger was an anniversary of something in January. He shuts down every January....and he has been handling all of the other things quite fine for a long time now.

 

[sisu]

Five days down.... ?? to go. This is hard. Thank goodness for my friends, my job, my kids, my dogs, etc. It's easy to keep busy but I still miss my BF. I have not called or texted him at all. I did email a short message tonight. Nothing big - just a quick hello.

He did this mid-August and we reconnected mid-September. At the time we weren't really dating seriously, so I just moved forward with my life and figured he had too. Once we reconnected in September, we have been doing really good up until now.

His mid-August episode was due to depression. This episode is partly stress, but I believe mostly an anniversary trigger. Hopefully this one will last less time than the August one.

But I still feel strong.....I still feel good and supported by friends and family. But it's still hard. I miss him. Link Removed

Sorry - just venting a little.

 

[willis williams]

This is a good place to do that! Good job being strong. Maybe this is what he needed and he will get it sorted out. He probably found it nice to now you are still there and caring. Sorry about the missing him I am sure it is hard on you. I think you are doing a good thing giving him space, it takes a strong person to put them selves aside because when it comes to feelings women are greaty and I mean that in a good way why else would men pull there head out of there ass. TEX