Sadielady3's Diary

[woodsy1]

A friend of mine recently told me that I should start journaling and I thought that maybe this would be a good place to do so.

It's been a great place for me to journal or just put stuff out there. I hope you are finding it helpful to share here.

I've been in a weird place lately. I started taking Gabapentin for my anxiety about a month ago and I think it might be having an effect. I definitely have some of the side effects like drowsiness and the dizziness but I also have felt less anxious about a few things.

Gabapentin is an interesting drug. I was taking it for a while, off label, for anxiety. It helped me, but not enough to stay on it. I had to be careful with my kidneys at the time.

The thing is that I think the anxiety was blocking a lot of my other emotions and other emotions are now getting through. Some of this is good- for the first time in my recollection I woke up the other morning smiling and happy for no apparent reason. But sometimes I get triggered by something. Sometimes I find myself crying for no reason that I can identify. Sometimes I think about things I haven't thought about in years for no apparent reason. Some really painful memories have been coming up.

I find this happening a lot. It's like I've got my brain pressure cooking with all these traumatic memories. As I release pressure by dealing with one issue, the rest come bubbling up.

After a while, it seems like we either deal with enough issues that they don't boil over as much, or maybe we just learn to regulate the boil more effectively. Either way, the condition seems to improve over time and with some work.

Sometimes I just want to go back to being a pile of anxiety- it's a beast I know and can mostly manage.

It's easier to stick with what we know.

When I first started to feel some improvement, I began to stress about being able to go back to work. Well, turns out that won't be an immediate concern. I can go back to obsessing about other things.

So many times, it turns out this way for me. The things I worry about end up becoming non issues.

I keep thinking about all of the times I was forgotten. I keep remembering that feeling of knowing that no one was coming to pick me up after school or getting left places. Despite rationally knowing that I have people that love me and care about me, I keep wondering if they'll eventually leave me too. I'm really having trouble in this area with my therapist. I've been abandoned by so many mental health professionals. When are all of these people going to realize that I am not worth remembering? I keep feeling like it's coming, despite all of the overwhelming evidence that my therapist, my friends, and my husband are rock solid and not going anywhere.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It is so very difficult when our traumatized mind is always telling us we're never enough, people will always hurt us, we will never be happy. Our brains have learned catastrophic thinking. It probably worked well to protect us in some abusive situations, but now it's working against us. Ugh!

I keep thinking that I need to put some distance between me and my mom. She spent my entire childhood blaming me for everything. We have a strained relationship, at best. I can't talk to her about anything important. She has no idea that I had to miss a month of work to deal with my mental health issues. She has no idea that I'm currently in therapy or taking medication to address my issues. I can't tell her because she'll attack it. I can't tell her when I'm having a physical medical problem because she belittles it and dismisses it. So I sit there on the phone with her for hours being invisible. Listening to her talk about politics and triggering deep negative feelings of helplessness. I can't change the current political landscape. I voted already and that's really the thing I can do. And so much of current politics is so negative and heading in what I think is a bad direction. So I sit there for hours listening to all of these things that make me feel horrible. And I just can't leave. I feel as trapped during those conversations as I did in my childhood. I go back to this place where I don't matter and my feelings don't matter. And if I don't answer her calls, she just keeps calling. And if I still don't answer, she freaks out and involves other family members.

Family can be the hardest to deal with. They know us so we'll, or our history anyhow. And we know them! And we have a tendency to assume more about the thoughts and intentions of family, and they us! I love my mom to pieces, but I can't always spend a lot of time with her.

There's this dark place of my soul that feels like I'll be relieved when she's gone. And then I feel like shit because who roots for someone else to die?

I think this may be more normal than we give it credit for.

I'm learning that just because I struggle with what I think are weird thoughts, I'm not really entertaining them, they are more or less just passing through. Sometimes they get tangled into my mess of thoughts, but they are just thoughts.

In the end evaluation, I want my mom to live until she's ready to pass on. That doesn't mean that I never wish she would hurry up. Those thoughts come sometimes. I don't give them a lot of regard.

I hope you feel better soon.

Woodsy1

 

[Freemartin]

I got the same bad Urgent Care T that I had the last time. I shut completely down and barely said anything to her. Ended up disconnecting after about ten minutes. Needless to say, I feel even worse.

Ugh, that’s the worst. I really, really know what you’re talking about. I’ve been in situations like this and it’s been extremely shitty every time. And what adds to the misery is, asking for help was such an ordeal to begin with. Getting some asshat make things worse is such a slap in the face.

If I was in your shoes, I’d need a lot of reassurence that reaching out was okay. Good, even. The way you’re feeling now (worse) doesn’t mean it was wrong to ask for help. Dunno if this is at all relevant to you, that’s what I’d need to hear.

Is there any place else you could turn to? Any other crisis appts available?

 

[Sadielady3]

@Freemartin , There are some hotline numbers I could try. I don't know if that's a good solution but I might as well try it. That Urgent Care T just doesn't get me. There's a guy that is sometimes there that is extremely helpful. I was really hoping he'd be the one I got last night but nope.

Pretty sure my T will end up reaching out to me today. Maybe he'll say something useful. I just don't know what to do with myself these days. This is a hard time of year for me, my job (teacher virtually) just sucks, and I'm going through a hard time in therapy. I feel like maybe therapy is the thing I should give up on because it's the only thing I can change but I also know that that's wrong. I have an excellent T and giving him up is a horrible idea. But once per month therapy is hard- so much time between sessions. I don't really know.

 

[ladee]

Sadie, from what you have shared about your relationship with your mom, I completely understand why you are very reluctant to ask anything from anyone. When you have only been told negative things and treated like Cinderella without the glass slipper, it is very normal to not ask for fear of what might be said. I really do understand this.

Not from my mom but from my sister. I, like you, learned to be very self-sufficient. And sometimes even resented when others tried to help when not solicited. It felt like an insult. It wasn't. It's how the world works outside of a relationship that was only negative and annihilating.

And thank you for sharing this about why it's so hard for you. I'm going to share something someone shared with me once, that helped me to learn how to let others be present for me. I wanted to go on a trip but didn't have the money to go, some of my friends got together and made sure I was able to go. I didn't feel grateful, I felt embarrassed and 'less than'. It felt humiliating to me.

I shared this with a very wise friend and this is what she said to me... ' When someone tries to help especially when they care about you, you are denying them a blessing by refusing'.

I'm not religious so had to ponder what I considered a 'blessing'. Long story short, it meant, to me, when someone does something for me or gives me something, and I refuse or never asked, to begin with, it deprives the other person of being able to put love and acceptance back into the world.

So maybe you can decide for yourself what 'blessing' means to you personally. And see if it helps to alter your feelings about receiving. It did for me. It was still not easy to ask for help, but it was easier when I thought I was doing it to help someone else. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

It became easier with practice. Going to people who you feel are safe. Doesn't even have to be here, tho it would help because we would 'get' what you are talking about.

Just wanted to share that with you in case it helps. Disregard if not helpful.

Just give yourself time Sadie. You have been the daughter of a Narc mother and it is going to take time to think, much less feel, you are worthy of someone's time and resources. Unlearning those messages from her is going to take time.

So, regardless of where you get help, I hope you get some somewhere. You don't have to suffer the demons of PTSD alone. Thinking of you and wishing a good outcome for you.

Again, thank you for sharing with me what your concerns are. Very valid considering who you learned your 'worth ' from.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , I'm not particularly religious either. I do know what it is to help others and feel good about it though. I'd be a pretty lousy teacher if I didn't enjoy that aspect of my job. I don't have as much of a struggle calling Urgent Care. Those people are on duty and schedule me. If no one ever called, they would be out of a job. I really struggle to email my T about things because I feel like I'm taking up time that he doesn't have, especially these days. He has other people to help and feel good about helping. It's not my turn I guess or something like that. I'm his problem next Friday, not today.

But maybe I could start small by letting people help me with work or something. Maybe starting to let some small helps in where it's a little easier and I feel like less of a burden to others. Maybe that would help me to gain some comfort with asking.

Due to my upbringing, I am a caretaker by nature. I know growing up the way I did taught me that asking for help is wrong. There were times in my childhood that I nearly died because there was no one to help me. When it genuinely comes down to life or death and asking is still denied and punished, it's hard to grasp the concept of a much smaller problem being acceptable. I hadn't really considered why I don't ask for help until I'm absolutely drowning. This would be a nice skill to develop to maybe start avoiding reaching the drowning phase altogether.

 

[ladee]

Good place to start! And I am glad you have someone in Urgent Care to talk to.

It's really hard to do, this asking for help. But I always looked at me T's as 'paid friends'. So it didn't sting as much. I was very ready for therapy tho because I just could not stand my life the way it was. A very deep depression I couldn't get myself out of sent me to get help.

We all have to find our own way Sadie. So just know that you are supported in what ever you decide. I know that either feels yucky, not needed, or insincere. It's not. It's real. But sometimes a good place to start is to know that we are being supported from a distance. Intellectually I could handle that. It didn't feel so intrusive.

I am glad you are sticking with therapy even tho it's a battle. You may actually come to believe you are worth someones time. I hope so.

Good luck on your guitar lessons!!! I never did learn to play anything but the radio. So people that can play any intstrument amazes me. Have fun. Life is too short to not have some fun.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , after last night, I'm not sure about calling Urgent Care again. Three bad experiences in a row has soured the experience for me. I've been debating if I would use a hotline or even a warmline if I needed to reach out.

It's hard having therapy only once per month. That gives me a lot of time to overthink everything. I also really want to understand what's going on so I search the internet a lot. My husband is getting sick of my self-diagnosing. He also doesn't really understand how incredibly hard this is for me. Even the best Urgent Care T would only be able to help me so much. I know the hard truth- none of this can be resolved easily or quickly. I also know that the pandemic and holidays are both affecting me negatively. It's honestly all too much at the moment. Yet, somehow, I'm still here.

It will be an amazing day if I can ever look at my face in the mirror and say, "You know, you're not so bad you." It would be a nice thing.

 

[ladee]

I understand about the holidays and our constant state of lock-down. I have two anniversary's coming up and I am already depressed. So guess we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. OR, we rest and just sit with it until we get the energy to move again. I get it.

I was offered grief therapy but refused because I did not want to speak to someone on the phone about my son!! Our hands are tied in so many situations and here we are learning to not 'settle' for less than, but that is what we are getting because of circumstances way beyond our control.

So we just hang on and have a little hope we all get to other side of this horrible year.

Can you ask for sessions more than once a month. That is a long time to spend without follow up. Glad you are at least coming here and talking some things out. Can you ask for the guy you like from Urgent Care or do you have to take whoever answers the phone? Our choices are very limited right now for sure.

Why don't you compose a song to play on your guitar of what you are experiencing right now?? That would help and make an awesome memory at the same time. Hope you have something besides work to keep your mind busy.

Hang on Sadie, things are going to change eventually. It's just very hard for so very many right now. I always dread the holidays, more this year than ever. But we will get thru somehow someway. You got this Sadie, it just doesn't feel like it. But you do

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , my T has me scheduled twice in January but we're also starting EMDR at that time so I think that's the reason why. I have no idea how long we'll be doing EMDR for but we are supposed to be doing it again this summer to start working on the childhood trauma stuff. The sessions in January are just to process my fear of therapy. I also suspect that if Covid ever ends, that my T will have more availability. By that time, I might be doing better though. I do normally see my T weekly for group. If group goes back to being more traditional instead of catering to people struggling with Covid (which is a real struggle but hard on those of us who were there seeking help for other issues).

I don't really know if I have the skills to write my own song for guitar yet. I actually do play the piano but don't have one in my house (perhaps someday). I do feel a bit better today though- L came up to visit me unannounced with one of her dogs. I always wear dresses and the dog kept trying to lift my skirt up. It was pretty hilarious. He also gave me lots of toe kisses and let me pet him quite a lot. Dogs have such a good effect on me. My husband and I have continued talking about the dog issue and we agree that we will need to get the landlord's written permission to actually get a dog. I think that it will be a no-go. We've been good tenants overall and I think if we got a dog we could convince them, with a pet deposit and maybe a slightly higher rent, to keep the dog but having the option to say no, I think that they will say no. So perhaps it's time for us to start moving forward on buying a house of our own. The place we live now is incredibly nice for what we pay per month but a place that is truly ours would be really nice.

 

[Sadielady3]

Today has been a pretty good day so far. I even played a game with my geometry class. They were pretty excited about that. I try to make math fun when I can. Later this afternoon, I am heading over to a friend's house to hang out with a very small number of people. One of my old friends is in from Bermuda visiting and I'll be hanging out with him, A, and two other people. I do get a little nervous these days about spending time with others in person but I also could really use a change of scenery and to be around friendly faces.

I still am not sleeping well. I keep having nightmares about my T. The recurring dream is really strange. He and I are traveling somewhere together on a plane. No idea why or where we're going. The dream always starts out with the plane crashing. He and I are the only survivors, of course, on a deserted island. We build two huts together on opposite sides of the island but I'm not allowed to talk to him unless it's related to the building of the hut. I live alone once I have a stable shelter. He travels over to my side of the island to conduct therapy with me once per day. It's the only time I'm allowed to talk to him. He gives me things to work on that are impossible like going to social events or to attend group therapy regularly. I try to ask him how I'm supposed to do that and he tells me that if I care about getting better, I will figure it out. Eventually a boat shows up to rescue us. My T tells me that because I failed at therapy, I have to stay on the island alone. Everyone on the boat agrees with him and they won't let me board. The dream always ends with me watching the boat disappearing into the horizon and then I am just alone.

Another dream that I have a lot is that the world has returned to normal and I am in his office having therapy. The therapy sessions are going fine. One day, my T gets violently ill and has to leave his office to run to the restroom. In his haste, he knocks my file on the floor (no idea if I even have a physical file). I go to pick up the papers and can't help but read what he's written. His notes are always about how I'm not responding to treatment and only progressively getting worse. They also comment on how annoying I am and difficult to deal with. Pages and pages about how awful I am and how much he hates working with me. He always comes back in before I can put the file back on his desk. I'm crying every time. He always just quietly says that I wasn't meant to read those notes. I always ask him, if you hate me so much, why don't you refer me out? He always tells me that he can't ethically inflict me on a different clinician.

The new dream I had last night was that I was in my T's office having therapy. The session went okay and I left. I realized after I left his office that I had forgotten my purse somehow so I went back to get it. His door was still open so I walked in. I found him in a video call with my mom, telling her that she was right, I am worthless. I just froze and stared at the two of them, unable to speak. My mom could see me and started laughing. My T turned around and asked me what I wanted. I told him I forgot my purse. He handed it to me. I went to leave but my mother stopped me in the doorway. She said, "You didn't think you'd ever really be able to get away from me, did you?" I started to run away from the office but all of these screens kept lighting up with her face just laughing at me. The audio on this was deafening. I reached the front door of the building and my T is standing there blocking the way out. He says to me, "I'm sorry you had to find out like this. For your own safety, I think it's time for you to be admitted." Then two guys come in and one of them gives me a shot of something. I wake up in a small room with no windows and no doors. There's a light coming out of the ceiling. But there's nothing else.

I used to dream about the end of therapy- a bittersweet goodbye. I used to dream that I walked out for the last time with a smile on my face because I had found a way to actually be happy. It was years down the line but I made it. Now, apparently, I think my T is out to murder me or at least working against me. I don't understand this deep seeded fear or him. The nightmares started after my last therapy appointment on November 12 but they've gotten a lot worse lately. It's every night. There have been other dreams that I don't remember as well. I hate them. My husband doesn't understand my fear of my T but he can't experience these nightmares like I do. I'm sure that unless my T cancels next week (fingers crossed) that I'll end up meeting with him but I really don't want to. I was nervous after the Urgent Care appointment that he was going to email me or call me but it looks like he's leaving me alone for now. I feel like I have nothing to say to him at the moment.

 

[woodsy1]

Today has been a pretty good day so far. I even played a game with my geometry class. They were pretty excited about that. I try to make math fun when I can.

That's great. I bet your students appreciate you making class fun. I can't imagine teaching with social anxiety.

Later this afternoon, I am heading over to a friend's house to hang out with a very small number of people. One of my old friends is in from Bermuda visiting and I'll be hanging out with him, A, and two other people. I do get a little nervous these days about spending time with others in person but I also could really use a change of scenery and to be around friendly faces.

Congratulations. We're in the same boat. Yesterday I was so messed up with symptoms that I reached out to some old friends via social media. They said they knew I would come home sooner or later. They said they wished Ihad reached out sooner. I will go spend some time with them today. Best of luck to both you and I!

I still am not sleeping well. I keep having nightmares about my T. The recurring dream is really strange. He and I are traveling somewhere together on a plane. No idea why or where we're going. The dream always starts out with the plane crashing. He and I are the only survivors, of course, on a deserted island. We build two huts together on opposite sides of the island but I'm not allowed to talk to him unless it's related to the building of the hut. I live alone once I have a stable shelter. He travels over to my side of the island to conduct therapy with me once per day. It's the only time I'm allowed to talk to him. He gives me things to work on that are impossible like going to social events or to attend group therapy regularly. I try to ask him how I'm supposed to do that and he tells me that if I care about getting better, I will figure it out. Eventually a boat shows up to rescue us. My T tells me that because I failed at therapy, I have to stay on the island alone. Everyone on the boat agrees with him and they won't let me board. The dream always ends with me watching the boat disappearing into the horizon and then I am just alone.

Dreams are fascinating. Do you think there is meaning to this dream for you?

Another dream that I have a lot is that the world has returned to normal and I am in his office having therapy. The therapy sessions are going fine. One day, my T gets violently ill and has to leave his office to run to the restroom. In his haste, he knocks my file on the floor (no idea if I even have a physical file). I go to pick up the papers and can't help but read what he's written. His notes are always about how I'm not responding to treatment and only progressively getting worse. They also comment on how annoying I am and difficult to deal with. Pages and pages about how awful I am and how much he hates working with me. He always comes back in before I can put the file back on his desk. I'm crying every time. He always just quietly says that I wasn't meant to read those notes. I always ask him, if you hate me so much, why don't you refer me out? He always tells me that he can't ethically inflict me on a different clinician.

Ouch. This must be a very painful dream to wake up from.

The new dream I had last night was that I was in my T's office having therapy. The session went okay and I left. I realized after I left his office that I had forgotten my purse somehow so I went back to get it. His door was still open so I walked in. I found him in a video call with my mom, telling her that she was right, I am worthless. I just froze and stared at the two of them, unable to speak. My mom could see me and started laughing. My T turned around and asked me what I wanted. I told him I forgot my purse. He handed it to me. I went to leave but my mother stopped me in the doorway. She said, "You didn't think you'd ever really be able to get away from me, did you?" I started to run away from the office but all of these screens kept lighting up with her face just laughing at me. The audio on this was deafening. I reached the front door of the building and my T is standing there blocking the way out. He says to me, "I'm sorry you had to find out like this. For your own safety, I think it's time for you to be admitted." Then two guys come in and one of them gives me a shot of something. I wake up in a small room with no windows and no doors. There's a light coming out of the ceiling. But there's nothing else.

What a scary dream! I think I would have a hard time getting to sleep if I experienced such vivid dreams so full of shame and rejection. Do you tell you therapist about your dreams?

I used to dream about the end of therapy- a bittersweet goodbye. I used to dream that I walked out for the last time with a smile on my face because I had found a way to actually be happy. It was years down the line but I made it.

Now that's a good dream. Hold on to that one!

Now, apparently, I think my T is out to murder me or at least working against me. I don't understand this deep seeded fear or him. The nightmares started after my last therapy appointment on November 12 but they've gotten a lot worse lately. It's every night.

Maybe your mind is creating defense mechanisms to protect you from being vulnerable? I suspect my mind has a lot of such mechanisms. I think this is partly why I'm having such a hard time dealing with my trauma. I'll do well for a short while then I will withdraw and go into a tailspin.

There have been other dreams that I don't remember as well. I hate them. My husband doesn't understand my fear of my T but he can't experience these nightmares like I do. I'm sure that unless my T cancels next week (fingers crossed) that I'll end up meeting with him but I really don't want to. I was nervous after the Urgent Care appointment that he was going to email me or call me but it looks like he's leaving me alone for now. I feel like I have nothing to say to him at the moment.

I can totally relate. I skipped my session last week. I'm having some trepidation about meeting my therapist this Monday.

Trauma is so hard to deal with. I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok to fluctuate in my desire to process it. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes the prospect is paralyzing.

But that, I think, is ok. I will process when I can. I won't when I can't. Over time perhaps the pattern will change and I will fluctuate less. I'm new at all this, so I've got to go easy on myself.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[Sadielady3]

What a scary dream! I think I would have a hard time getting to sleep if I experienced such vivid dreams so full of shame and rejection. Do you tell you therapist about your dreams?

No, I haven't see him since the dreams started. Not for individual therapy anyway. I'm not sure I could tell him, even if I had seen him.

Maybe your mind is creating defense mechanisms to protect you from being vulnerable? I suspect my mind has a lot of such mechanisms. I think this is partly why I'm having such a hard time dealing with my trauma. I'll do well for a short while then I will withdraw and go into a tailspin.

This is very possible. My T has done nothing wrong. Believe me, my mind scans for danger constantly and can't come up with anything. So maybe my mind is trying to invent reasons why I should be weary of him.

Maybe if I start journaling about the dreams, they will subside. I don't really know what else to do at this point but I'm exhausted. I figured I'd give it a shot.