Same Old Shit

[Raven]

My husband is a grown ass man, almost 30, and he throws tantrums. I'm wondering if his parents did something horribly wrong to encourage this behavior into his adulthood. If they couldn't parent properly and consistently, they should have at least beat it out of him before he reached manhood. (His dad was heavy-handed anyway, but evidently not enough.)

I'm the only person he's encountered who refuses to let him get away with his destructive, reactive hissy fits. I'm a taurus, so he's basically throwing tantrums at a brick wall and I make life ten times harder for him every time he does. Once he decided to throw out a bunch of bird seeds just to "prove a point". I made him pick it all out of the garbage, separate them, and then I decided they were gross because they had been in the trash so I threw it all back out anyway. He breaks something of mine in anger, I kick him out of my house, make him sleep in his car for a week, and shitcan a bunch of his junk because he has such little respect for my things. I respond to his childish, destructive antics with cruelty and punishment because simply asking him not to behave that way does not work. I've tried being nice and patience and all that jazz. But he never learned not to react like a retarded toddler. It's like nothing works.

Short of me getting a cattle prod to use on him when he acts out, how does one teach an adult not to behave like a spoiled little kid when he's upset or angry? Seriously, when he's angry about something he'll break shit. I'm buying a house and I don't want him in it with me unless he changes that flaw about himself. Closing is two weeks from now. I'm the one fronting the cash for it, and his name is not even on the contract. He wants to sign it, but I told him to change first.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Raven, for years I was the guy on the couch. Granted in most instances I was usually drunk but it only amplified the anger. The consiquences for the behavior yelded little or no change it was the price I was willing to pay. When I got sober the rage still had a price - I no longer could blame it on the booze. About 3 years ago I attended an 'anger management' course while in therapy for PTSD. It confirmed what 20 years of AA taught me via the steps. I'm childish, immature emotionally and acted in kind when disturbed. My wife has a more simple discription of my behavior "irresponsible childish asshole".

What I found out was the solution was an inside job. I did more emotional damage than material but damage just the same. In the end the little success I have achieved was due to selfawareness and recogintion of situations that trigger explosions. Briefly, I could not have done it on my own. Laying down ground rules before commiting to the investment is a start but he has to know he is a variable required for it to become real.

Tough LOVE... Address the issue or move!

Ba

 

[reddevil1111]

I have learned you cant force someone to change. EVER. the only thing you can change is yourself or your situation.

If he is not willing to work on bettering himself then you have to ask if staying is worth it or not. Don't stay if its not. You will be happier if you bail rather than stay and are miserable.

Punishing him for pissing you off builds resentment in him. It is reinforcing the bad behavior imo. Treat him like you want him to treat you. if he cant do the same then the relationship is broken. Time for marriage therapy or hit the bailout button.

I think its better to work on the marriage don't get me wrong, I just don't think you can "mold" him into being "better" in your eyes.

The first step towards this getting better for both of you is for you to stop resenting his actions and start accepting him for who he is. Only then can you evaluate what's really going on here. Its not just his immaturity, its deep seated resentment and hurt that your feeling. God knows what he is dealing with but I bet its deep seated as well. maybe entrenched is a better word.

Raven, I know your drinking. I am not judgmental on that but you have to understand that the booze impacts your relationship a lot. It could be causing a lot of your conflict and depression/anger. I used to drink real heavy so I kind of have some experience on this. I hope you can be honest with yourself about it and try to dial it back a bit. See if things don't get better if you both do? What does it hurt to try? Well... I know I have more than likely pissed you off... Sorry about that but I think you needed to hear that. Its just my .02

I hope you guys can work it out.

 

[JarHed]

Raven,

You can help someone to change if they want to and make an effort. You can't change someone else. I've seen a ton of relationships go south because one or the other in it thought that they could somehow change the other person.

Marriage is a crap shoot at best. There's no way to know what the person you've married is going to be like in a year or two or ten or more. It kind of sounds like you've got goals and things you want to do in your life and perhaps he doesn't as yet. Maybe he'll get some or not, no way to know. I do know this, marriage is about team work. Sometimes one leads, sometime the other or maybe only one. But you've both got to be on the same page about where you're going together or it's trouble.

I also agree with Red that you can't set what you want his behaviors to be. If there are any secrets to a lasting and long term relationship it's in accepting your mate for who they are; both the good stuff and the bad or at least the things that bother you. It takes work. I've been married 43 years and still think they should give my wife a medal for putting up with me. I truly hope it works out for you both. Sounds like it's rocky right now. Try to hang in there and perhaps consider some counseling, it can be helpful.

Jar

 

[Spock]

Sounds like you got it right Raven, he was raised that way. My sister is somewhat like that so I finally just cut myself off from her & her son (nephew), who she is raising the same way. All they do is whine and puke drama. She took advantage of my parents as the the baby sister of our family her whole life until the last parent died. I told her the Bank of Mom was closed now and she had to learn to be responsible for her and grow up now. She struggles owning anything because her self image is so weak. I read an article on a similar topic and you can generally tag a persons emotionally age. We all know friends no that stopped "evolving" sometime in HD or thereafter. You can tell who still emotionally acts like an 18 yr old, 30, 75, etc. whether they are 40, 50 or 60 in reality. But I'm still there for them if they need me as family, I'm just not their friends.

The point is she is still the same person, same tendencies, same flaws but now that she has to be responsible for her =actions and she was called out for it and forced into therapy. She has been doing better. She won't changed but she manages "some" situations better. If you make him pay for more things and make him responsible for the cost along with anger management then you might get a better reaction in the key situations you want. But as the others have said, I doubt he will ever change completely.

That was an important lesson for me, stop trying to change people after they were in their 30s. For one project maybe but not their personality. But this is your husband, not a sibling so your more invested. I agree with the guys that you two might seek agreement on the major issues because not everything is gonna be perfect, but you already know that. Quite a tricky one there Raven. Good luck.

 

[Raven]

I didn't really explain this in my first post, but he doesn't seem resistant to change when he's in his right mind which is most of the time. When he's being his normal charming adorable self, he is embarrassed about how he's acted in the past, he doesn't want to do it again. But when he gets angry or very frustrated he just goes into destructive reaction mode. He hasn't been violent against me in a long time. I broke his f*cking hand after he punched me, tried to break my skull on a porcelain sink, and tried to choke me. He's ultimately stronger, I just got lucky but he seems to consider it a lesson learned.

But he still breaks stuff. He hulks out. He doesn't want to or mean to react that way before or after the "episode". But he's not Bruce Banner and this isn't the Marvel universe and I won't buy his bullshit about how he can't help it. Unless he is mentally retarded, which he's not, he can help it. Anger is a natural emotion, but his response to to his own anger is crazy.

 

[Spock]

OK...that sounds like one of my buds that likes to punch out his drywall out when he gets super jacked from his PTSD. It took him awhile but he finally got tired of the damage to the wall and his hand.

 

[Raven]

I'm really not sure how my husband made it through his stint in the Navy, as he's apparently behaved this way since childhood. He got into a lot of fights with people, but his star still rose quickly. I think his superiors liked him so much (and they knew he was smarter than anyone else in his division) that they were willing to cover for him and make it seem like the other person instigated it. He picked up his PO2 apparently and threw him against a wall once because of something or other... I don't know... But he faced no consequences, apparently they just "learned not piss him off" and whoever intervened chalked it up to his PO2 riling him up and instigating the reaction.

I knew people like that in the Army. They didn't get free passes all the time if it kept happening, and they certainly didn't flourish.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Raven, I like the cattle prod thing!!! But maybe you should look at the training shock collars for dogs. They make one with a remote control. Look for one for a big dog. :D:D:D:D:D:D:whistle::whistle::whistle::whistle:

Thought this posted yesterday....Oh well....

J R

 

[reddevil1111]

ohhhhh wow that's just mean. Raven? Take photos please... I would love to see!

That would be pretty cool you know. you could get him to do everything your way. You only need to devise a way to make it tamper proof.

 

[Wagon]

Must be a different Navy. I would have gotten 3 days bread and water in the hole for jacking up a senior PO. Plus probably reduction in rank 45 days restriction 45 days extra duty. -200 dollars for 2 months. The punishment would just roll of the old mans tongue like poetry.

Violence and marriage? I don't actually remember that being part of the deal.

 

[Raven]

He should go become a sith lord. It's the only thing he'd be good at.