Seeing family. Scared. Weirded out. Disgusted....

[Dana1010]

I might be seeing some of my siblings around Christmas. I have not seen them for, like, 14 years. I contacted them out of guilt and a sense that I need to be looking out for them, giving them guidance, since I'm more worldly and "together" than they are. I'm wondering what I got myself into.

I'm thinking of getting a private place for the night to make dinner. One of them suggested going out, and I'm not ready for that at all. They embarrass me for one thing (rude as it sounds) and it's just too much too soon. I need a peaceful, quiet environment for this (preferably with a lot of booze on hand).

I just have these horrible feelings of shame and disgust associated with them, my childhood. Like, I don't want to be related to these people. I want family members with good jobs, good addresses, degrees, etc. (I know). I don't want to face them, I don't want to face myself.

Anyone have any thoughts on how I can make this less scary, dreadful, disgusting? I have to see them at least once to check on them, give them some guidance/advice and get this guilt monkey off my back.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why do you feel the need to rescue them?

I’d be pretty upset if you were my family member and looked down on me and wanted to fix me.

 

[Dana1010]

Why do you feel the need to rescue them?

Because they need rescuing. I really just want to do what I can to guide them, give them resources, support. There are quite a lot of details.

 

[TTC18]

Because they need rescuing. I really just want to do what I can to guide them, give them resources, support. There are quite a lot of details.

Do they want rescuing? Is there guidance only you can provide? Are they minors?

 

[nomorefear]

The holidays can be difficult, especially when our families are less than ideal. I struggle with it also, but I had to face the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect family. Lowering my expectations as been very helpful as well as the book Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande. I hope you are able to have the conversations that need to take place, in a peaceful manner.

 

[Tinyflame]

I just have these horrible feelings of shame and disgust associated with them, my childhood. Like, I don't want to be related to these people. I want family members with good jobs, good addresses, degrees, etc. (I know). I don't want to face them, I don't want to face myself.. I have to see them at least once to check on them, give them some guidance/advice and get this guilt monkey off my back.

Maybe then you should associate with the people you seek? JMHO, I mean this gently, but I don't think you can provide help if you feel disgust or look down on the people you want to help, even if you have good intentions. First: do no harm. I think there's harm in engaging with people that you feel ashamed of, or disgusted by. They know you do- trust me. They are wordly enough for that. And they may not, or never, share your idea of worth or success, and therfore not want it. Your ability to influence them will be limited, based on all those things. And now (I am guessing) they are adults, and they have the right to lead their lives as they see fit. All of your childhoods are gone, you only have the present. Would you want the influence of someone who thought of you as less worth or no real worth? IMHO it's not much of a motivator. Being loved is.

They embarrass me for one thing (rude as it sounds) and it's just too much too soon. I need a peaceful, quiet environment for this (preferably with a lot of booze on hand).

Also JMHO but lots of booze + personal demons, disrespect, resentment or the like, will be gasoline on fire.

I think it's great you're being honest, and maybe simply working on your own stuff and making a date for next year might be a more realistic thought? If they and you are alive next year, you might feel differently after a year of self-work/ self reflection/ grieving. If any of you is not alive by then, then you may feel very different still.

Good luck.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, they don’t need to be rescued.

This is by far, about you, and not about them.

You seem to have a codependent rescuer stance.

What you don’t realize is that running in and trying to “save” them can do a lot of damage.

Stick to working on yourself.

 

[Neverthesame]

Anyone have any thoughts on how I can make this less scary, dreadful, disgusting?

I'll try to just answer this and leave my opinion on the relationship dynamic out of it. I'm not going to repeat what I said in the thread about your sister. I know it won't be helpful or wanted input from me here, so I'll just skip it. Fair?

give them some guidance/advice and get this guilt monkey off my back.

Ok.
What about asking them?
If anyone knows what they need guidance on or assistance with, it'll be the person whom is receiving it.
This may require a second meeting with one or more of your siblings to provide said assistance. Depends on what they want and what you can provide.

You may also not be able to do anything at all for one or more of them, either due to resentment or pride on their part. In which case there likely wasn't much you could do anyway. I don't know any way to get around this should it happen, sorry.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing can do for someone is just to listen to them. Knowing someone out there cares, can encourage people to try improving their life again. If not, it's still an honest attempt on your part. Listening is an active skill, it only seems passive. It does count as doing something.

That's the best I can come up with as a straightforward answer, as promised I left my opinion out of it.

 

[Dana1010]

@Neverthesame, you're welcome to share your opinion. But people in abusive relationships with people who are experts at brainwashing them? And narcotics addicts? And people who suffered severe educational and social deprivations? Typically won't ask for the help they need -- out of ignorance, illness or some other problem they can't or won't see at the moment.

I'm tired of this cop out. I've been in bad places before, blinded by manipulators, ignorance, wrong thinking, whatever. I could have been helped. People didn't want to get their hands dirty.

 

[Muttly]

I'm tired of this cop out. I've been in bad places before, blinded by manipulators, ignorance, wrong thinking, whatever. I could have been helped. People didn't want to get their hands dirty.

This is really important. This, I think may be a core piece of what's going on. I doubt the "guilt monkey" will ever be off your back until you deal with this. A question, if you weren't helped, how did you get out?

As far as people in that situation not asking for help, that's simply not true. People in those situations seek out help all the time. I've seen it many times. I think if you ask folks of this forum they've seen it as well and maybe lived it. I came from a family that had abuser, brain washers, addiction issues and mental issues. I have significant learning disabilities. I got out. I stayed engaged in my family for a long time, wanting to help them. They *said* they wanted my help, but what they really wanted was to have me be someone who would do things for them, be a target for abuse, and make them feel good about their current life. There was no rescuing because they weren't willing to help rescue themselves. As others have said, people need to want to change their situation for it to happen. You've been given the suggestion of asking them what kind of help they want/need, so there's no cop out.

As far as your current situation, it sounds like you have a partial plan. You have dinner at a private place. I don't think lots of alcohol is a good idea, but you'll do what you want to do. Beyond that, give yourself space/ways to step out occasionally and get some separation and time to regroup. You need fresh air or forgot something in your car. Things like that. Try to look for the positives. It can be simple things like you made good food. Find things you enjoy about the people you are with. If you really look there should be something. Remember it's one night

 

[Dana1010]

This is really important. This, I think may be a core piece of what's going on. I doubt the "guilt monkey" will ever be off your back until you deal with this. A question, if you weren't helped, how did you get out?

I'm not sure what you mean here. What is "this" that I have to deal with?

In one of many bad chapters in my life that I can think of, I got out, partly because of a reality check and partly because of the guidance of one person who talked sense to me without abusing me. I did not know I needed help, nor did I ask for it, but when someone speaks to you sensibly, it's possible to change your outlook. It's not climbing Mount Everest. It's possible. Most people just don't want to get their hands dirty, like I said.

 

[TTC18]

when someone speaks to you sensibly, it's possible to change your outlook

Yes, but only if you are ready to hear it...
it’s nice that you are wanting to help people like you were helped. Might be stressful to try to help everyone at once - and don’t forget your figurative oxygen mask. :) (I/e take care of yourself first or you’ll be in no shape to help anyone else)