Self Destructive Behavior

[Tinyflame]

I don't really have the feelings of frustration or bitterness though. Not even the anger really, not the word I'd use. It seems more 'factual' than emotional.

 

[Red Feather]

All I know is that you are not crazy. The pain is just unbearable. So ways to bear the pain without harming yourself, may help.
Some say it's a way to even avoid SI.

I agree with this. I have felt I have been cursing myself for most of my life. What I am still learning is the worst is to blame myself for how I feel. So if I hate myself, I should not blame myself for hating myself. Just acknowledge the fact. Accepting the way things are helps to transform it. The pain comes when I can not accept the emotions, so they get trapped.

So the more you just let the emotions move through you, and accept them, then they can pass. This can be helpful. I need to do so much processing. I think it really is a lifetime of work. I helps to talk about it too. Talking about it or reflecting on this forum helps. There is nothing wrong in the emotions. It should be avoided to act on them, but even if this happens, then the world hasn't come to an end. This is what forgiveness is. (((hugs all)))

 

[Tinyflame]

That's sweet Nadia.
You have such a wonderful heart.

Hard part is, if you hate yourself and feel justified, it's hard to accept and ignore.

Ya, was thinking, sometimes can do more harm avoiding harm that probably doesn't exist (to the extent it did before).

I'm not sure about talking though, for others, yes, but I think I've been wrong to.

 

[Red Feather]

I hope this is not too direct, but I am wondering why you are feeling justified to hate yourself. ((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Nadia please don't ever worry about censoring anything, it's ok.

I don't know. :(

For example, I feel now like a stranger- or everyone is strangers. I hate that I feel that, but I do. So I hate that about myself, irregardless of whether it's ptsd-caused or not. My reality is I still have to go.
And my only explanation could be, "I don't know why but I have to".

I realize ptsd is like looking at the world through colored glasses. But my analogy would be color-blindness. No matter what others say that one 'should' feel 'this' or 'should think that, it's the only perception I have.
I've been at it a long time, 30 years, I guess I just got sick of myself.

Plus abuse and stuff, it wears on one's self. Guess some is internalized, apart from being my own worst enemy.

Also I hate that I am like some kind of half woman/ half child- fiercely independent, but mostly feel terrified, horror or sorrow, when it comes to what the ptsd causes. 'Mostly' as in almost-always.

Yet I have seen or experienced some things, as a child and as an adult, which I wouldn't wish on anyone, so I'm not naive.
But on the other hand, sometimes just to feel a freedom from the fear I need a hug, or whatever. I cannot self-sooth, and I think at this length of time and my track record re-parenting myself just isn't going to happen.
I cannot do it.
It's moronic, to be this way. Therefore I feel moronic. Because it's the only way I am able to be, or live. It just 'is' (or I am, that way).

OMG thanks for asking, was hard to figure that much out.
Maybe I am self-allergic ? :eek::sick::rolleyes: Lol.

 

[Red Feather]

But on the other hand, sometimes just to feel a freedom from the fear I need a hug, or whatever.

I hope you get more than enough hugs then. I want to tell you how much light you have inside you, but I am worried because light can sometimes be so strong, that it hurts your eyes. But it's my impression you are getting better and working through it. You are moving forward. Baby steps! And nothing that happened is your fault! Thank you for sharing. ((((((((((((((((((((( Big big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))