Self Destructive Behavior

[LoveIsHealing]

I have this anger, which sometimes turns into rage. I don't want to be angry at my parents...that makes me feel terrible. So, I get angry at myself...maybe for not being enough to make them straighten out and stop drinking. I get so angry, that I just don't know what to do, and it usually turns into violence because the frustration is unbearable. I don't know where to direct it. So I have physically abused myself by biting, punching, slapping etc. I have so many bruises. I know this is the behavior of a crazy person, but I don't know how to stop.

Not do I only do that, but I also am self destructive in other ways. I sabotage my own happiness. I tell myself I am not good enough, that I am a piece of trash, a stupid b*tch...I say that outloud sometimes, and it usually leads to the hitting. I was trying to take a trip, which was very important to me, but I keep telling myself I'm not good enough to go. Why? Why cling on to such misery?

Where does this hatred come from? I don't really know what I expect people to say to that. I just want to know if others have this rage and anger towards themselves...or even better if someone has some advice on how they got over these feelings.

I am not a mean person, at all, in fact quite the opposite. That is why this anger hurts so much...because it is not me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Difficult question.

As far as being angry at yourself or your parents as regards their drinking, Al Anon may help. (This is different than grieving what you have lost because of your parents drinking.)

Am not sure if it comes from others' words, emotional flashbacks, other things.
They recommend working on one's self-esteem, or self worth, of course.
This is difficult. I am only at the stage of being able to try to accept other's kindness.

All I know is that you are not crazy. The pain is just unbearable. So ways to bear the pain without harming yourself, may help.
Some say it's a way to even avoid SI.

I wish you the best, (((Hugs))) if that's ok.

 

[bethinhfx]

@love is healing: I just whacked myself about 7 times in the face because a psychiatrist was mean to me so its really not a reasonable response but is anyone else being f*cking reasonable? I don't think so. So, I try not to make a habit of it and I would suggest the same for you. I haven't had drink on over 20 years and I feel like getting drunk but I really do get the whole going into McDonalds and shooting the place up, you know? Never really understood the whole Colombine reaction; wouldn't suggest it but I can see how people get pushed to the edge. The world has gone mad! The deep hatred/ frustration: Its hard not to internalize abuse....and I am having a hard time because I have all of this stuff coming up and I am trying my hardest to stay sane. I am dealing with shit other people just aint interested in dealing with so I need to pray a lot. Right now I am just trying not to hurt myself so @love is healing: I HEAR YA! xoxoxoxoxo Beth

 

[LoveIsHealing]

Junebug, thank you for the advice. :)

Beth, I'm sorry you are struggling with anger too. Hope you are feeling better. Just because your Psychiatrist went to school for a long time does not make them smart or cool ;). I can see how some people who were so hurt felt so angry at the world that they lost touch enough to consider hurting others...but that is not the way! I don't really feel angry at other people, I know everyone is trying to figure their own stuff out and we are all connected.

I do get frustrated with peoples ignorance, and the fact that most of what Human Beings do is completely absurd, and most people seem oblivious to that. Still, I believe in showing other people respect at least.

I also get really upset when people take out their anger on children and animals...sooo wrong. But it's sad at the same time that they are hurt enough to even consider doing that. That's why everyone should have support from other people, but often, that's not the case.

When I get into these rages...it's like a panic attack really. Sometimes I get anxious, and just slap myself...before even thinking about it. It's all anxiety. My mind starts with the negative thoughts, then it starts racing, panic, anger, frustration...it's too much, then WHAP! Panic attacks are a real @%#*!

 

[bethinhfx]

@ love is healing: I understand. I have issues too; more so in the last couple of years but I know its because I am internalizing shit and its taken me a long tome to realize that I need specialized help. Good luck getting it! Anyway, just so you know I do understand. It starts in the head-- all of the negative messages-- almost obsessive negative self talk and then before you know it you are hitting yourself because it makes you feel better. I understand this. Its a relief! I am not sure what to say except that obviously you could try to get some professional help from someone to look at what is so hurt underneath! Best wishes. Beth

 

[Taven Carlsen]

I could see self-destructive behavior in my future, when things started to get crazy with my family. "The first step in evading a trap is knowing it's there" so I did my best and did a good job. Nonetheless, LIH, don't feel too bad about it - my case tells me some degree of self-destructive thinking/behavior is unavoidable with PTSD. Oh well. Just means there's work ahead of me (and you).

 

[Innordinate]

Old joke.

If your head hurts, hammer your thumb.

We redirect the pain where we can.

The feelings, at least for me, come from conditioning. From how I was raised. Core beliefs. Hard to fight them, hard not to believe them. Impossible not to. Honestly, better you than someone else. the hitting I mean.

It's not good either way, but still. Better you than someone else.

Goodluck though. I hope you find a way past it.

 

[The Albatross]

Where does this hatred come from? I don't really know what I expect people to say to that. I just want to know if others have this rage and anger towards themselves...or even better if someone has some advice on how they got over these feelings.

For me, the self destructiveness and rage that I was turning inward (with some acting out in the early years after I got sober though too) was that I shifted from being a victim of abuse, and began abusing myself... actualizing the abuse cycle all by myself independent of what others were saying or doing to me. I turned the anger/rage inward and started to self destruct. It was a natural by product of my "conditioning" in my bio family... not being able to voice feelings, concerns, or emotions. A lot of learned helplessness built up and when the hits (traumas) and consquences (of poor decision making on my part as an adult) kept coming I spewed rage like a volcano spews molten lava. It was a tumultuous and volatile time. And it caused a lot of damage to my relationships.

When I realized what I was doing, I began to learn about coping, managing extreme emotions, and even self parenting.

I think the first thing, was acknowledging to myself that on some level, I became my own abuser. When the bubble burst and I realized that... I could begin to work on and change it.

Hope you find some solutions and peace gal.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know why, I know it's 'wrong' (technically), but I have a compelling urge to either destroy myself, or 'remove' myself. Almost like something on a mandatory urgent 'To Do' List. :(
That it's the 'right thing to do".

 

[Anna]

Hi,

I used to be very self destructive. It came from a self hatred of myself, an anger channelled inwards. Mainly from bad upbringing. As a child feeling ashamed, not heard abused etc etc...

Learning to love myself and care about myself was what brought it to an end. I kind of figuered noone cares about me, noone will ever look after me. I have to look out for myself.

 

[LoveIsHealing]

I don't know why, I know it's 'wrong' (technically), but I have a compelling urge to either destroy myself, or 'remove' myself. Almost like something on a mandatory urgent 'To Do' List. :(
That it's the 'right thing to do".

Junebug, I understand that feeling too...but no, it is not the right thing to do. You are good, and worth the effort it takes to heal from this.

Where does this crap come from? I know, it's like battling yourself...or another part of yourself that is hurt, bitter and sooo angry and just lashing out in frustration. Even the word "frustration" makes me frustrated! I'm really struggling with this anger towards myself too. What am I so angry at myself for? For being confused and making mistakes etc? Yes. But perhaps the answer is we have to really forgive ourselves. Now, how do you do that? :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear LiH, you are so very kind!
But believe me, I am not worth that kind of effort.

I'm sure you're right, I don't even know entirely what I have to forgive myself for. :(
(((((((Hugs for you))))))