Self harm in adults with ptsd

[Abstract]

I did this as a teenager to an extent and then sporadically later too. I think the classic motivation is emotion regulation/expression and that probably was mostly the case for me at that time. I do think that aspect of it or role reduced as I got older and learned new coping skills.

I then stopped along with getting over my eating disorder (apparently another common means of emotion regulation) and was pleased. But then all this "stuff" (PTS) fell apart and I am very ashamed to say I am back down that road and at age 45. And I truly do not think it is as straight forward as emotion moderation at this point at all. It seems directly linked to trauma (in ways I can't speak about) and getting help/asking for help for me now. And it is extremely shame making. So in some small respects I relate to MD's pattern.

 

[Hashi]

I truly do not think it is as straight forward as emotion moderation at this point at all. It seems directly linked to trauma

Leaving aside damaging behaviours that I see as indirect self-harm, I haven't directly self-harmed until a few days ago. In my case, it was in direct response to working to reduce anxiety related to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which was becoming unmanageable. As a result of reducing the anxiety, though, my dissociation/distraction and then anger have increased. First I had self-harm ideation, then my anger got out of control and I took it a step further.

I feel lucky that there's a way for me to step back from it, by stopping doing what I was trying (thinking it would help).

My therapist has been going really carefully because she thinks both the OCD and the anxiety are coping methods for me at the moment, and although they don't look like good ones they're a way for me to channel and manage something which otherwise might be worse. She has talked about cutting the head off the monster only to have two heads grow back, and I feel like that's what happened.

I'm still feeling too wiped out and raw from it to think it through properly but, like Abstract, for myself I see it as beyond straightforward emotion regulation and as linking to trauma. I would add, including the type of harm. I think it's internalised anger, cruelty and violence towards myself.

Whatever people's reasons for having these urges, I feel for anyone struggling and suffering with this.

 

[Anna]

I self harmed in my teens. I am in my 30s now, haven't burned or cut myself in awhile. I am feeling a strong desire to do so lately. I find when I feel the emotional pain burning, the need to self harm rears it's ugly head, especially when I am under stress.

Just stuck a pin in my arm, didn't feel a thing. Really weird and annoying. I am fighting with this really hard too at the moment. I used to heat safety pins up and burn myself. I found it soothed this pain.

When I feel lonely and isolated it gets really bad.

 

[rightkindofme]

Self harm had always been a source of greatest, greatest shame to me, one of the last frontiers in terms of things I could not talk about with my therapist for a long long time. His validation and calm, nondramatic acceptance of where I'm at has gone a long way to allowing me to confront this behaviour for what it is. Part of how I stay accountable to being safe is to give him an undertaking that I will always tell him if I do it, or if and when and in what ways the urges are bad. Staying loyal to this promise has really helped me to create some boundaries and to feel more in control of keeping myself safe.

It's hard... harder than I want to admit right now. But I'm working on it...

I've become very devoted to the principles of Harm Reduction. I had a therapist who specialized in that approach for almost seven years. Working with her helped me stop feeling so ashamed of self-harming. She helped me feel like self-mutilation is a tool in my toolbox. It's not a great one. It's basically never the "best" one but it is there if I am desperate.

She helped me see that without the self-mutilation I probably would have been more successful in trying to kill myself. I really do use it to let off steam and keep the pressure down. The process of becoming "more of an adult" is learning how to destress in other ways earlier so I don't get to that point.

I am so grateful for Traci. She changed my life and made me like me so much more. I learned to feel compassion for me. I'm coping with terrifyingly hard things in my head. Yes, sometimes the fall out is brutal. Life is like that sometimes.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I forgot to mention I am 53. I used to cut as a teenager, but it started again at age 51. I am trying to find other ways of dealing with my pain.

 

[xena21]

It seems directly linked to trauma (in ways I can't speak about) and getting help/asking for help for me now.

I have a very hard time with this...asking for help from anyone, other than people on a computer. Even doing that, when I go on the crisis chats thinking I will "ask for help" I end up distracting myself for a while and getting annoyed by them until I end up hurting myself later. I think I get annoyed because I feel they are naive, and just use a cookie cutter approach but have no idea really.

I think my problem is the rage and anger I have built up so much inside over the years, and listening or reading something from someone even though I requested it, never feels like enough to alleviate the pain like hurting myself does.

Maybe that's just an excuse. I don't know. I don't ask people enough I guess. I do everything myself, as my therapist has told me. Maybe it's from the trauma I had growing up and not being heard as she has suggested...or not being helped later on in life. I'm not sure. All I know is I feel like I'm the one who can help myself, yet I only make myself worse. I destroy myself slowly...my body is dying and the people around me know it but there's nothing they can do about it because I won't let them. It's a precarious situation I guess.

 

[Loveneverfails]

This is something I struggle with a lot. I haven't harmed myself since I was 17, but I still get the urge to cut often. I was very harsh on my body as a teen whether by using blunt objects to cut my skin or exercising to the point of damaging my body. I read something recently about drawing on your skin every time you want to cut it and I've started that. It feels a little better, though on bad days it's near impossible to do anything except focus on telling myself no. But that will have to be enough. I hope one day I don't have to feel this way anymore.

 

[xena21]

I hope one day I don't have to feel this way anymore.

Yes, me too. I'm glad you found strength to stop for a while. I hope you can continue to do that.

I also used to exercise to the point of hurting myself. I can understand that too. It was addicting for sure. I ended up just stopping exercising all together. For me it was because exercising reminded me of things besides self injury...so it brought back other bad memories. I decided just to stop it. It probably would be better to do something though according to doctors.

Self injury is such a menace, but lately it has just been about the only thing that has kept me alive. I can't just cut myself anymore because it doesn't cause enough pain to distract me. I have to feel something intense so I smash myself repeatedly with a hammer. It is so disgusting later, but at the time the release is enough to keep me going.

I am tired though. I am tired of doing it and not being able to find the help to stop. I wish it would just get better.

 

[Mayday]

For me mostly it's skin picking, where I pick/rip at scabs/sores/whatever I can find. I've had sores that I've not let heal for over a year, just kept reopening them, to the point where I've gotten staph infections etc and have permanently scarred skin. I have also cut and hit myself.

I've often wondered about some of the symbolism behind this. That I'm literally not letting myself heal, that the red/angry scabs and sores talk for me, they say "don't touch me" more effectively than I can. That they are repulsive, repellent...even the fact that I mostly attack my arms and hands, which are where you would most expect to find defensive wounds.

They also serve a purpose beyond simply a coping measure. They give me my daily dose of shame and disgust. They stop me from acting out sexually when triggered because I simply can not stand for anyone to see the damage I inflict on myself.

 

[maddog]

Mayday, I just wanted to say that what you wrote about the symbolism of your self harming really struck something in me. I had truthfully never thought much about this, but as I read what you wrote, something snapped in my head, particularly in relation to the never letting yourself heal, and the appearance of defensive wounds.

I hurt myself mostly in places that are hidden by clothing and hence not visible to the world. I have felt for a while now that that partly mirrors my need to hide and internalise my pain, and to show the world only the parts of me that are "normal" to the naked eye.

The more distressed I am about the source of an injury or wound, or the context in which it was sustained, the more I will bother and pick at it, and the more I somehow need it to remain inflamed and infected.

My mother had a sick and sinister knack of fussing and obsessing over the most minor of injuries, and in doing so, completely avoiding and ignoring the significant damage that was done to me. I remember her scolding me for bleeding on her floor from a cut on my hand, after she had just witnessed my father flogging my dog to death in front of me...

I suppose my obsession with minor injuries began somewhere back there.

This hurts terribly to think about, yet seems important.

Maddog

 

[Pencil]

they say "don't touch me" more effectively than I can.

Yes, that is its function for me as well.

 

[Mayday]

particularly in relation to the never letting yourself heal

This is a big one for me too...the not letting myself heal. It seems so irrational, but at the same time has it's own twisted logic.