Self harm?

[rightkindofme]

As a child and adolescent I used to cut and burn myself to a moderate degree. In recent years i have largely moved away from these behaviours, though they re-emerge just often and intensely enough to remind me that I will probably always have to be vigilant when under pressure about not reverting to old ways.

Sadly, I have instead adopted a number of more subtle behaviours which still very much constitute self harm, things such as undereating, overexercising, workaholism and almost any other form of extreme or obsessive behaviour that you could name at some time or other. It's easier to deny that these are actual self harming, but the intent and effect of
Great, validating, comforting thread though - nice to not feel so alone.

Maddog

It is a little scary how similar we all sound. I also beat my head on concrete in addition to cutting and burning when I was younger. I have a lot of complex games around exercise and eating that are borderline abusive to myself. Ugh. :(

 

[rightkindofme]

I have never gotten the BPD from a therapist. All of my self harm Issa clearly trauma management. Sometimes participating on this website makes me feel weird. I am so gosh darn textbook.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I bang my head against walls sometimes (crazy, I know) but I never really saw that as self harm. Not like cutting was for me. But if I'm honest with myself, it obviously is. But it was more a case of being frustrated and wanting to stop the flashbacks and stuff.

I haven't done anything like that, for nearly a year now. Although I do sometimes wonder if my desire for body modifications, such as my tattoo and wanting to stretch my ears is just another, more subtle version of these self harming behaviours. :confused:

 

[Maggiemay]

I too sadly self harm. Less so now, but still relapse. Like many I've been diagnosed with BPD and have scars covering all of my arms, legs & torso. I'm forever confined to long sleeves and trousers and hold a lot of guilt.

 

[Kim500]

I agree there are very subtle forms of self harm that are often the hardest to acknowledge and therefore deal with. They don't necessarily appear to be self harm, but the intent and effect is exactly the same as some of the more obvious forms of self harm....common patterns of behaviour in most long term severe childhood abuse survivors including self harm, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, obsessional thoughts/behaviours.

This is so interesting to read because just a few days ago a question came into my mind that I never even considered before. It was: "Is my drinking a form of self-harm?" I was amazed because I never considered that but I think it's true. Thank you so much for sharing Shellbell!

 

[Abstract]

The other thing that I will own is depriving myself of sleep.

 

[Kim500]

Wow! That's another one for me to consider. Sometimes lately I just won't allow myself go to bed until the wee hours of the morning even though I am bone tired! I don't even have a reason for it! It's not like I was doing something I wanted to stay awake for! It's just like, "This is one of those nights when I won't be going to bed." Weird. Maybe I am I'm punishing myself. Thank you for sharing!

P.S. I feel bad for my little self now and how I treat her. No wonder I'm so unhappy!:tdown:

 

[Shellbell]

It's like we don't so self care and being kind to ourselves well at all. We continue what others did to us - undeserved punishment and we do it instinctively, without even actually realising some times until it's pointed out. The subtle self harm stuff can be harder to identify, but once you do, you see it more and more.

 

[Abstract]

Kim, when I started realising that lots of behaviours had a self punishing or self denying quality to them then it was a bit of revelation to me. I think it is an internal thing that only we can discern. All of these behaviours can have different roles depending what's happening inside us. Usually when people are doing this then they have a problem nourishing themselves properly. That sometimes doesn't mean they underweight and can mean they cant treat themselves well with food. And sometimes they have problems spending money on themselves too and possibly even have distortions about how others behave and project their distortions onto others and their lives.

I do think things such as cutting, hitting etc are different but the rest says a lot about how we parent ourselves. Essentially if we are an abusive parent to ourselves. Sometimes being nice to ourselves can feel excruciating and that says a lot.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with Shellbell that a lot of the time it is about perpetuating abuse that was done to us, in some way, and it can be something we are unaware of for the longest time.

 

[Kim500]

Abstract, Shellbell, thank you so much for sharing your insight! I feel like I've been given a gift of revelation when that question about the drinking popped into my head, and again, that I may be doing the same thing by depriving myself of sleep! I know that these things aren't under the psychology definition of what self-harm is, but if it is not harming the self, then what is it? Hmmmm....

 

[rightkindofme]

My brain is exploding. Get out of my head. :P

Sometimes it feels... scary? Overwhelming? Creepy? That reading a conversation here feels like hearing a conversation between my inside voices.