Self harm?

[faraway]

reading a conversation here feels like hearing a conversation between my inside voices.

I know *exactly* what you mean.

 

[maddog]

I have definitely become my own abusive parent and the patterns of abusive and depriving behaviour that I inflict upon myself sometimes mirror my parents' treatment of me so closely that it is eerie and downright distressing when I become aware of it.

Sleep deprivation is probably my key signature behaviour and operates on a seemingly endless loop of punishment, deprivation, denial, desperate attempt to remedy the situation...

I am having to slowly retrain myself, starting with the very basics, to recognize and respond to my own needs for care and the basics of life. I am having to schedule in times to eat, drink, sleep/rest, tend to injuries or medical needs, tend to my physical surroundings... It's humiliating, but apparently necessary, and what's more, I'm having to share the details with a few trusted people so that I can be held accountable for working on these behaviours. Otherwise, I know myself well enough to know that I will lapse and revert to old patterns when the depression, which is very bad right now, robs me of my motivation to try to do better.

It's a hard road...

Maddog

 

[Kim500]

maddog, thank you for sharing. Awareness of a problem is half the battle so I'm so happy you're taking measurable steps to treat yourself with kindness. I like your list of things that you schedule in. It's a concrete plan.

 

[rightkindofme]

I gave myself till Christmas to cycle as crazy as I needed to cycle. Now it is time to get back on my schedule. If I don't put myself on a strict schedule I don't get work done and I have so much I want to get done.

It's kind of a mixed blessing. But yes, that is the only way I eat/sleep/rest appropriately. Otherwise it is a pendulum between extremes.

That's not so awesome with little kids.