Self harm...

[Maggiemay]

I used to self harm A LOT. My whole body is covered in scars. I've been researching recently how to get rid of them but none of the solutions are plausible due to the extent of the damage I've done.

Anyway, after a rubbish day yest, my guinea pig died - she was less than a year old!! :'( gutted! I feel like a crap mum :'(

Anyway, no surprises I got a strong urge to self harm. Not wanting to do anymore damage & leave anymore scars, I bruised myself instead = perfect. It hurt so I hadthe pain ffeedback; it left a mark so I can see damage has been done; but it'll all fade in a week or two.

This is dangerous for me to realise. I have a highly addictive personality & am worried things will esculate and this will become my new form of coping.

My T knows. She said she was hoping I didn't cut, which I didn't, so I'm ok. *sigh* Maybe she'd think differently if she actually saw the state of my arm... it's covered in bruises and very swollen...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My advice? Stop while you're ahead. I used to cut, then moved on to burning, and now bruising. Mine are so deep that it takes a full two weeks for them to disappear. I wish I never discovered it!

 

[Maggiemay]

*huggles * I know you're right. Let's hope I can refind some impulse control ...

Just phoned to make appt with Dr, he's on holiday! :( Gutting! Hate seeing Drs I don't know, they never take me seriously :(

 

[Tif]

Maggie: I have scars all over, too. :( Most of mine are hidden by clothing, but I know how hard it can be.

It's so great that you've realized the propensity you have to find addicting behaviors. That shows a lot of self-awareness. And even though the bruises fade, you're right: Self-injury isn't about making scars, it's about sick ways of coping with stress and pain.

What's helped me not to self-injure (after doing it chronically for a decade) is:

1. Understand that it is a coping mechanism, even though it's an unhealthy one,
   
   • Try out other coping skills, en mass, to find out what works for me. (I went through every coping skill in "the book," from walking/running to rubber bands to reading to drawing/painting to talking with friends to support groups... In the end, when I was having a bad urge, the ones that helped me most were crochet and origami, where I was working specifically with my hands and fingers.)
     
     • Make sure I had the ability to do my coping skill any time the urge hit by bringing supplies along with me.
     
     You're stronger than you think, having gone through everything you've experienced. You can do this. :) And even if you self injure, it isn't the end of the world.

 

[Maggiemay]

Ahhh thanx Tif, I appreciate it a lot :)

I too have tried 101 coping strategies. I had to stop the rubber band one as I was causing bruises on my wrist from doing it repeatedly. *sigh* Also tried ice, but them I used that to numb the pain so I could self harm deeper... oops...

At one point I would draw on myself with red pen if the urge was very strong. These days I, like you do crafty things, as well as trying to put it off, telling myself I can do it in an hour...

I too cover my scars with clothing - I'm a teacher so don't have much choice, but live in fear that someone will find out . Sigh. Feel like a fraud!

Stay strong x

 

[Tif]

Maggie, there is nothing shameful about what you've gone through. It might be socially acceptable to drown one's sorrows in alcohol, and that might not leave visible scars, but it's the exact same: a sick coping skill.

You're not a fraud. You're a strong woman who's endured things that most people could never even think of going through. Part of the way you got through it was by hurting yourself outwardly to numb the pain inside. But now, you're outgrowing that maladaptive coping skill. It served a purpose for a little while, you know that. But I'm more than certain that you're stronger than you know and you can find better coping skills that will work more effectively.

And now that it's been four years since my last self injury, I can tell you I'm not addicted to it anymore, and my scars are fading. It's nice to deal with pain and loss like I've had recently and not reach for a knife. Or hit myself. Or pull out my hair.

You're strong, Maggie. Don't forget that. You've come through deep, dark places and seen the other side. That's strength.

 

[Maggiemay]

Yep done the alcohol too, now permanently damaged my body... ooops...

Wow! Thanks, you're bang on :'(

Well done on 4 years - it takes strength not to relapse. I hadfgone 7years self harm free til a year ago when I started bruising, then escalated to cutting again ... hopefully I can resist the urge this time. It's still a daily struggle not to surrender...

I sure have been dark places *sigh* but I'm gaining strength...

 

[Tif]

It's okay, Maggie. We all have times when we slip back into old and familiar patterns. I really struggle still with not taking sleep aids to just get away from all the pain. But we're strong people. We know how to do pain: How to endure it, how to stay alive in the midst of it, how to go past it. We don't worry about stupid things like broken nails and scratches on our new porches. We know there are bigger things in this world than what can be bought.

You'll make it, Maggie. I know you will.

 

[Maggiemay]

You're so right about lil things being insignificant..

I wish I had your wisdom, I'm in awe. I can really feel your strength and resilience.

I will make it, I always do, no matter how hard things get...

 

[Tif]

Maggie, you DO have wisdom and strength and resilience. :)

My faith plays a big role in my recovery. I truly believe that there is a purpose behind all my suffering. That helps a lot, because I know I'm a lot stronger than my mother or my father or my sisters who've never lived through what I have. Are you kidding? My mom would've lost her bearings before going through half of what she's put me through in the last month.

I don't think PTSD is a deficit. I think it shows how strong we are, that our brains found a way for us to live with the unlivable, to bear under the unbearable, and to still have a semi-"normal" existence. Of course we have flashbacks and nightmares and SI urges! We were never meant to bear these kinds of burdens. The fact that we're still alive says it all.

You ARE strong, and I think you're a hell of a lot better off than some ditsy little twenty-something who thinks her life has fallen to cr*p because she found out that the guy she likes, likes her, but doesn't like like her. Also, she broke a nail. :)

 

[Maggiemay]

I lost my faith yrs ago. But you're right, my mother couldn't cope with all I have. The traumas I share with her are just the tip of the iceberg and horrific enough in themselves.

I was only given the CPTSD diagnosis in the last year it makes so much sense and I can understand it better now. I suffer a lot with physical symptoms. It shows how hard my body worked to try and keep me safe.

Haha the ditsy twenty something made me giggke ; ) I've dropped a lot of friends like that in the last year!!

 

[Tif]

:)

So, does the C in CPTSD stand for "chronic"? I know there was debate before the dsm-5 was released about adding a ptsd diagnosis that reflected the dramatic difference between the experiences of sometime with multiple and prolonged traumas from those with single trauma.