Self-harm

[GMW]

Hi Guys,

I wondered if anyone knows anything about this please. I'm in the UK by the way.

I went to see my GP today. I got my meds switched. He asked me if I was self-harming. I am. He wants me to talk to my therapist and will check if I have when I see him next week.

Logically I know I should tell her. But emotionally...!

I could go to my therapist, NOT tell her and report back to my GP a bunch of lies. Only (as you can tell from the above) I am stupidly honest. I had no intention of telling him but he asked me an unexpected what sounded like routine question and the truth just came out. Ask me a direct question, I will give you a truthful direct answer.

My problem is this; I've only been with her... 6 weeks(?). I have had the rug pulled from under me by numerous therapists (about 12), just gotten to trust them and they would end it abruptly. I've also been given a diagnosis of BPD by a psychiatrist who then dumped me and since then therapists just seem to wash their hands of me. I am "too much". It's left me feeling like I cannot be fixed .. So to find someone that in time (if she sticks around) I will come to trust and assures me the BPD thing does not phase her is a massive deal and not something I want to risk.

Before you ask, yes I think a lot about suicide but no, I would not kill myself. My kids are my reason for living.

To be frank, I also don't want to tell her because she'll make me stop! I did it this morning in the shower after a particularly bad night with nightmares and yes it's hurt all day but I haven't had such a productive day in ages! And I already have 56 scars all over my body from various traumas and surgeries and a load of excess skin on my stomach from 11 stone weight loss... so scarring is a non-issue.

So what do you all think? Tell her and risk she'll fly off the handle, get the wrong idea and have me sectioned and end our relationship OR not tell her and lie to my GP next week? Are therapists required to report self-harm or just suicidal tendencies?

When you answer bear in mind how hard it was for me to enter therapy in the first place. How insecure I feel with her at the moment (very, I'm terrified on a near permanent basis of her not believing me, so much so I wonder about quitting on a fairly regular basis) and my mental state (absolutely overwhelmed when I'm not cutting).

Thanks

Me x

 

[Justmehere]

Self harm is an incredibly common problem. One in five grad students in my country, the US, has struggled with it at one point in time or another.

I don't know how it works in the UK, but I think it's a safe bet they don't hospitalize everyone who struggles with self harm or there would be a lot more people hospitalized.

She will want to work with you to stop but it's not just about taking away an unhealthy coping tool. It's about replacing it with something more effective.

Self harm will eventually stop working - and until then, you may find you need more and more of it to function. I have struggled with it for years. It doesn't provide any relief for me anymore, but had become a horrible habit that I have to put so much effort into not doing. I wish I would have told someone sooner and gotten help a lot sooner than I did.

Self harm is a symptom of deeper pain you are struggling to deal with. A good therapist won't freak out but will begin to talk with you how to manage and replace it with better tools that will help you even more over the long run.

Your therapist is there to help and can change the rosy in a good way to help it be less unsettling.

Your therapist sounds like she is really ok with BPD and I don't think she would be actually very surprised at all to know you struggle with self harm too. It's something that comes up quite a bit for people with BPD.

I hope you tell her. You told your GP, and they didn't freak out and sanction you - they encouraged you to keep talking and keep working in therapy. She is very likely to do the same.

 

[GMW]

Thank you - you're right. I just struggle with my fear of losing her but I guess if I do then she's not the right one for me after all. Not meant to be.

Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it. You're really brave. Can I assume from it that it's no longer an issue for you? If so, that's amazing. Well done. I always worry if I tell people and reach out for help, I will be made to feel like I'm attention seeking because self-harmers hide it they don't talk about it.

Thank you again for your courage in sharing your story and helping - I think I will tell her. Or try to.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Just a suggestion as there are probably better ones out there, but I'm with finding a coping mechanism to take the place of cutting before telling your T since you seem to be very fragile in this regard. How about drawing on yourself with a red marker. I know it sounds silly, but I did that a few times and the next day got up to shower and was frankly horrified that I had that much pain/violence inside of myself. I also held ice, tore paper, all of the other distractor tasks once does to avoid cutting while also letting go of the pain or frustration you are trying to work out. There are many resources on line; perhaps you can find some support more specific to working with your behaviors and lessening their frequency or in finding a healthier substitute while you work through your feelings.

One caveat, if you are causing deep wounds, I would go ahead and tell your T. Your safety must come first. Also, eventually, you're going to have to get beneath the behavior to heal. It's not about the cutting - it's about what's causing the cutting. It's rather like an eating disorder - it's never about the food. It's about the feelings. Take care. VB

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yes, intentionally buring is self harm.

When I smoked I did it a lot.

Holding onto ice cubes to gain the sharp stinging helped me for a long time.

I didnt catch, do you have a therapist?

If so, Id advise them of this if you havent.

If not, can you get one? Its hard to overcome self injury alone. Not impossible but easier with a therapist.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why go to therapy at all if you don't want to heal?

(Serious question.)

 

[Enaila]

Sharing about self harm the first time with my therapist was hardest thing I ever did, but best thing as well as it opened the discussions to what was causing the emotional pain. Take the plunge and tell your therapist then follow the advice given by therapist. He/she will most probably realize you are serious about getting help.

 

[NowYouSeeMe]

Hi GMW I'm in the uk too and having cbt under the nhs.
I have recently started scratching my skin with a knife. I haven't told my T but that's because I don't think I'll be kept on long enough to tackle that issue as it's a time limited service. Also, I am careful to just scratch and hopefully I won't scar or cause serious damage or infection because I keep scratches and knives clean. I don't like pain but I find the feeling of low level discomfort caused by scratching a way to keep me grounded and other methods of grounding haven't worked for me. I tried sensory grounding but I am having frequent sensory meltdowns at the moment so that's caused a bit more stress really. It's not a good thing, I don't advise anyone to do it ... but I do get what you're saying. I'm sorry I have no better answer for you but I hope you feel a bit less alone X

 

[NowYouSeeMe]

Also, you won't be sectioned for having suiciceal thoughts. There's a difference between active and passive suicidal ideation so unless they believe you are about to do it, she may be more likely to talk about safety planning to help you overcome moments of crisis. You have already highlighted a huge protective factor in that you don't want to leave your kids which is excellent and even better that you recognise it so clearly. I wonder if your suicidal thoughts are actually a symptom of your emotional pain, much like the SH behaviour, in which case as you go through therapy and begin to get better, these thoughts and behaviours may reduce. This is what people on here have said to me and also what I have found when doing my own research. Take care lovely xx