Session Today Made Me Question Myself

[Sarah2732]

After the session with my T I really began to question if I'm truly attracted to men at all anymore. The quick answer is no. The long answer is no, but I am sometimes, or more accurately I'm attracted to the protective side that some men provide. I have no desire to have sex with a man, it's not that I don't think about it, but it disgusts me because it makes me think of all the abuse. I can't say I've ever looked at a woman and been sexually attracted to her, but I'm really beginning to question my sexuality. I've never had that problem before.

Oh gosh, I've absolutely felt the same way. Definitely tell your T, honestly I found the discussions with my T surrounding those feelings (and lack of feelings) were really good, and really helped me understand some of my own attachment stuff in a new way.

I'm not attracted to men either. When I've dated, it was men who were not at all masculine and who were ok with a very cold relationship. Honestly if I was not a Christian I'm pretty sure I would have found myself in a relationship with a girl by now. I'm not attracted to them but... they are just less gross than men. :rolleyes:

My T says my lack of attraction is due to my development being so stunted by trauma. She says as I process the trauma and have needs met that part of me will probably develop. We'll see.

She had really interesting comments when I brought up this topic- she said girls with trauma sometimes attach in unhealthy ways to a best friend- and that this safety and attachment, to an adult who hasn't known safety and attachment, can be (sexually) confusing in and of itself - and if a sexual boundary is crossed in that relationship it can create an association between sexual pleasure and that person's gender. (Don't take me out of context! I/She is in no way saying that "makes people gay" but to specific people with specific trauma and specific aversions to men, it may make experimentation happen where it otherwise probably would not. ) That made sooooo much sense to me and really normalized and put into context some of the feelings I have had in relationships.

This is actually part of the reason I elected to stop seeing my T and, with her encouragement, start doing therapy with a very masculine male T. I feel like it would be very healing to have a safe, emotionally intimate relationship with a masculine male, and therapy is just about the only place I am willing to take that chance.

 

[Hashi]

She noticed the bruises on my arms pretty much right away, she asked me what happened. I told her that I didn't remember anything, which is the truth

Does this bother you? Should it? To me, it's more important than the other things you wrote afterwards. It seems to have got lost though.

This probably isn't what you want to hear when you ask for comments about the other stuff, but I'm wondering if you don't have enough connection and stability to know how you have bruises on your arms... what is your priority, in terms of what you're thinking about? Wouldn't this be a priority over other things to explore, that right now your arms are bruised and you don't know why?

 

[mytai]

@Hashi, the fact that I don't know how I got these bruises does bother me, it scares me more than just bothers me. It's pretty much understood what most likely happened. I just don't have any memory of it, I dissociated for a huge chunk of time.

My T asked me to show my nurse practitioner my bruises, so I had that appointment this morning and I showed her the bruises. She checked my arms, she also looked at my shoulder. She was surprised by how much my shoulder was swollen, she checked my range of motion, prescribed me stuff for swelling, and told me to come back if the swelling doesn't go down or the pain gets worse. She asked me if I had any vaginal discomfort, which I do, she asked me if I wanted to do an exam today but I told her no.

 

[Chosen]

I went through a period of 2 years where I questioned my sexuality. For a time, I felt I was bisexual and wanted to pursue dating a woman rather than a man...but for me, sexuality was just a bad thing, so I wanted to run from men and go towards women since they were safer. But I wasn't attracted to women apart from sexually, so for me, it was a safety thing. Not saying that's what it is for you or others who are questioning, but for me it was partially a safety thing...and that I hadn't had good relationships with guys. I'm so thankful for some men in my life now who've shown me gentleness rather than abusiveness!

I don't have much advice for you, since this is a deeply personal journey, but I would say...that if you haven't been attracted to women before now, then I'd focus on why you're wondering about it now...and if it's because of the abuse and/or discomfort with men, I'd focus on healing that before actually examining sexuality since sexuality is blocked by trauma/abuse in a large sense, in my opinion. I think our bodies focus on survival until we feel safe enough, and until that happens, I don't think we're going to be interested in relationships that much. Least that's what I've experienced.

 

[jmni]

@jmni, it definitely is an intimacy issue. I've told my T that I don't want to be in an emotionally intimate relationship with anyone. I'm actually afraid of being close with anyone. It's not about the sex necessarily, it's more of the fact I've been in very close relationships with men before and I've never been happy and always been slightly scared.

Being open is a vulnerability so its normal to feel fear. You have to get away from the idea that feeling fear is weird or bad. Fear is a instinct all animals have to protect themselves; it's not wrong. Maybe just allow yourself to trust your fear and clam up if you feel it. Once you do meet someone that you care for and trust, then you will have to take the risk to open up and be emotional intimate. And in the meantime you can study emotional intimacy and think of what it means to you.

When I first read this I thought it said "never" not "ever." So basically you said that questioned your sexuality, but you've never been attracted to a woman and that is a pretty strong indication that you're not homosexual. I can't really tell if you questioned yourself because of the church or if it was because you want to avoid men. I think it indicates that you are progressing in either case because you are considering all of these people's influences on you and this is more about questioning your relationships, attitudes and the status quo of your life.

I know it isn't their life, it's mine, and I need to live it for me, but their opinions still effect me, and weigh on my mind

Most people who act like they care about your personal life and how you live don't genuinely care. They only really care about themselves and their own personal life. Typically that is what causes them to judge other people's. So they probably don't care in the way you think that they do. Families have the ability to freak their family members out. You can develop a buffer to that.

 

[NovemberStar]

Personally I think sexuality is a fluid thing that can (and does) change over time, for a huge range of reasons. Maybe 'you' (as in any of us) initially feel attracted to someone of the opposite sex - or never entertained the mere possibility of being attracted to the same sex (especially if religious or cultural stigma). Maybe one day you question this and for the first time consider the possibility if loving someone the same sex as yourself. Or maybe it's that you find yourself very much attracted to and / or in love with, someone of the same sex.

Or maybe 'you' always have known you might like both sexes, depending on who the person is on the inside - what their physical body happens to look like is secondary.

I think as human beings we have the possibility to fall in love with anyone - probably for a lot of us it is the opposite sex - maybe cos it's all we are capable of feeling attracted to - or maybe deep within its a 'don't cross this line' thing and so we never become open to the other possibilities

Either way, it doesn't have to be a 'struggle' - who you might fall for or be in love with is simply that - if you can take away all judgement form it, it stops being a 'problem' or stops having angst attached to it.

I went through 'the struggle' when in my 20s and at Uni. Fell in love with a female friend. Fell in lust with a uni teacher. Sometimes felt attracted to and fell in love with men. Initially when I was in love with a female I felt very torn up, confused, terrified! But I did come to realise it's actually NOT a big deal. Society makes it a big deal - firstly general society was very anti any gay relationship. Nowadays (particularly in Hollywood) it's the opposite - but in a really bizarre kind of way - sometimes the one defining thing about some in is that they ARE gay - it isn't seen as 'normal' yet because it's pointed out 'oh so and so is GAY - here we have it - a GAY couple you know!'. Kind of like when a white person has a black friend - instead of it just being seen as normal, the white person (with some tones of racism within them clearly ) will make it a point of telling anyone and everyone that their friend is BLACK.

Anyway. Quit the debate;). Maybe you are attracted to women and not men. Maybe you're not attracted to either at the moment or won't be until you have worked through your trauma issues.

I'd just encourage you to be kind to yourself, not see it as a major crisis, but more of an interesting 'wait and see': one day when your heart and soul is READY, you will find yourself falling in love with someone - that person MIGHT be a man, or they MIGHT be a woman. As I said - once y take any judgment out of it (your own or anyone else's) it stops becoming a 'problem' - once it stops being seen as a 'problem' then you can just see it for what it truly is at the core - it's about love and love only. :hug:

 

[mytai]

@NovemberStar, your response is by far my favourite. Not to discredit anyone else's response, they were all great and I respect everyone's opinion. But yours in particular I found the most helpful.

I'm thinking now that it would be good to bring this up to my T. Just not sure how to do it, or if it is really important right now or if I need to focus on some other things for the time being. I do find this very confusing.

 

[NovemberStar]

If you're worried about it then it probably is something to bring up with her. You could also find things online that might be helpful to read. I had it easier I suppose via I was right in the middle of a degree at university on gender and women's studies where we studied a LOT about gender roles, sexualities, and everything in-between. I got to read a huge range of theories and accounts as to what constitutes gender, biological sex, sexuality - and most importantly and interestingly, cultural co ostriches if all of those things. Our culture and society has a MASSIVE influence in how we see things (or don't). With regards to gender - right from the ultrasound where baby is deemed a girl or a boy, they are straight away socially constructed into gender roles (ie pink clothes if a girl? Blue clothes if a boy).

Sexuality is similar. It's slowly changing now but for the main it is VERY much, EVERYWHERE YOU SEE - boys and girls in love. From cartoons, to characters aimed at very young babies and children, nursery rhymes, fairy takes - it's all boy meets girl girl falls in love with boy, boy and girl get married and live happily ever after.

That is is such a fairy tale - that is really is not like that for the vast majority of people, our society as a whole still buys into it and expects it - yet how many 'true loves' actually stay 'happily ever after'? That most don't, doesn't stop the fairy tale being told and sold.

Just how not all girls grow up playing dolls and wanting to 'only' be a mummy when they grow up. Or how not ever boy loves playing toy trucks and grows up to be 'tough' and play football. Or that some girls hate the colour pink; and some boys would love to pick pink as their favourite colour.

I'll see if I can if d some articles on sexuality being fluid / changing over time and post them for you. Doesn't mean you have to agree or see it this way - I know for me it helped to move away from 'black and white' and 'either gay OR not' :)

 

[mytai]

Had the session with my T last night. I didn't end up talking to her about the whole questioning my sexuality because a lot came up this week that took preference over that subject - plus I was nervous to. I found out I have to move, also I have to put my dog down on Sunday because she has cancer and they can't operate on the tumor that is causing her to fall and lose control of her bladder. So that stuff kind of took priority, plus my T was asking about my eating, sleeping, and flashbacks.

I ended up emailing her after I left last night to mention to her about how I'm questioning myself, along with a few other things. Brought up a lot of anxiety. Even more after she responded and said we will talk more about it when I see her next week.

 

[Ryn]

((((((((((@mytai)))))))))) I am so sorry about your dog. :( Please know you gave her such a wonderful and loving last chunk of her life; it's a really amazing and selfless thing that you did for her, and you cared for her so well. I can imagine moving will be stressful, too, but I hope it is a step that will bring you both emotional and physical safety once you get settled down. I hope your session next week goes well. Your T sounds wonderful and like she will really be able to give you some guidance in the sexuality issue, or even just some reassurance that she will sit with you as you sort things out in your head. Please take good care of yourself, and hugs if you want them. :hug: