The main struggle my sufferer and I face is that he sees the negativity in everything and can never focus on solutions. I am the opposite. I wanted to sit down and lay out some goals yesterday but all I got back was reasons why he couldn't and complaints about things that had happened in the past (ie. he couldn't set goals because he doesn't like the way I do things because I didn't plant the flowers in the flower bed deep enough). Makes no sense to me but he can't get over these little things and work on solutions and goals. Anyone have advice on working through this? I saw there was just an article posted on here on PTSD and negative thinking and it was somewhat helpful however was geared towards sufferers. Anyone have good advice on this topic?
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Relationship Setting Goals/optimism
- Post starter Lmm
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When I'm supporting someone who is stuck in the past I stay very, very in the present. Right now. This moment. Not 6 hours from now, much less days, weeks, or months.
It's pure bias from the way my own PTSD works.
I'm usually like you. Goals domino, right? They build off of each other. A single step forward presents all these amazing possibilities... And some downfalls... but there are work arounds. Nothing we can't both expect, and handle. Just need to map it out, apply a little moto.
When I'm in a tailspin, the exact same thing happens. In reverse. Anything beyond this exact moment causes a kaleidoscope of images, dominos falling in the other direction. I repeat myself like crazy; what happened. What hasn't worked. Why. What happened. What hasn't worked. Why. It's a feedback loop. And it doesn't allow for any kind of forward motion at all. The harder I try, the more I despise myself, the more furious I get, the more despair creeps in, and I'm flat out. Stabbing headaches, nausea, exhaustion... On top of the feedback loop. Cue shutdown.
When they can think forward? I map that shit out in my head, and work very, very loosely, towards it. With a whole lotta wiggle room for "side quests". Because if they're stuck in the past, those moments of clarity are going to come and go. They almost always initiate those conversations, and set their pace. Okay. Check.
I'm in a very bad place right now. The only reason I can type this at all is someone yanked me present earlier today, and this? This is me looking backward. Past relationships, past loves, past heartbreak, past good effing people & friends. I can look backward just fine. What worked, what didn't work. But I can't see the future. There is no future. It literally doesn't exist for me right at the moment.
So when I'm dating someone like me? And I'm in a good place & they aren't? It's a little like being in a disco. Strobe light lets me see they lay of the land.
ETA... As much as I hate the T-word, it's an exercise in trust. They're trusting me to keep moving forward, while they're blindfolded... I'm trusting them that what they want, they actually want, even if they can't see it right now. (And vice versa). Occasionally we come to a dead stop. One of us doesn't trust and needs a minute. Okay. And forward again.
It's pure bias from the way my own PTSD works.
I'm usually like you. Goals domino, right? They build off of each other. A single step forward presents all these amazing possibilities... And some downfalls... but there are work arounds. Nothing we can't both expect, and handle. Just need to map it out, apply a little moto.
When I'm in a tailspin, the exact same thing happens. In reverse. Anything beyond this exact moment causes a kaleidoscope of images, dominos falling in the other direction. I repeat myself like crazy; what happened. What hasn't worked. Why. What happened. What hasn't worked. Why. It's a feedback loop. And it doesn't allow for any kind of forward motion at all. The harder I try, the more I despise myself, the more furious I get, the more despair creeps in, and I'm flat out. Stabbing headaches, nausea, exhaustion... On top of the feedback loop. Cue shutdown.
When they can think forward? I map that shit out in my head, and work very, very loosely, towards it. With a whole lotta wiggle room for "side quests". Because if they're stuck in the past, those moments of clarity are going to come and go. They almost always initiate those conversations, and set their pace. Okay. Check.
I'm in a very bad place right now. The only reason I can type this at all is someone yanked me present earlier today, and this? This is me looking backward. Past relationships, past loves, past heartbreak, past good effing people & friends. I can look backward just fine. What worked, what didn't work. But I can't see the future. There is no future. It literally doesn't exist for me right at the moment.
So when I'm dating someone like me? And I'm in a good place & they aren't? It's a little like being in a disco. Strobe light lets me see they lay of the land.
ETA... As much as I hate the T-word, it's an exercise in trust. They're trusting me to keep moving forward, while they're blindfolded... I'm trusting them that what they want, they actually want, even if they can't see it right now. (And vice versa). Occasionally we come to a dead stop. One of us doesn't trust and needs a minute. Okay. And forward again.
Last edited:
D
Deleted member 28812
I might be very wrong but to me it seems like he is thinking you are an individual that does not follow through with a plan, he does not want to plant a flower bed because he thinks you won't plant the flowers deep enough anyway and so on. If you think I am right my next question would be if you think he has a point there?
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catlover26
Silver Member
I am sure I am older than you and my guy is a Vietnam Vet but he is so negative it drives me crazy. I went through a divorce 1 1/2 yrs ago so I am not really setting goals for myself except just keeping in the 'right' direction. But I try to work at keeping a positive attitude. But he tends to dwell on all kinds of negative things going on in America, his family, even my family because he thinks they don't keep in touch with me like they should (which they don't). But I just don't dwell on these things. I can't live my life that way. I think it 'eats' a person up. I started Al-Anon because he is a recovering Alcoholic of 30 years. I started going because my ex is a workaholic but also because of my Vet. But my Vet doesn't realize this.
He has been through AA and knows all the 12 steps and should still work on having serenity in his life but can't seem to shake his depression. Is there a chance your Vet could have depression and need medication? I have depression and I know that without the medication it is impossible to shake those kinds of negative thoughts and get out of a depressive state.
The only thing I would tell you is what they tell me in Al-Anon. Just work on yourself. It becomes too hard to change someone else. If you work to find inner peace and contentment for yourself then you will have the strength to try and not let it bother you so much when he is like this way. I know it is hard. I get a break from my Vet because we are not married. I never know what kind of mood he will be when I go over there. But I try not to respond to his negative comments anymore. I can still listen but not really answer in any way. I also try not to say anything negative to him like tell him something bad that I heard about on the news. This just 'fuels his fire'.
Wish you the best!! I know it is tough!!
He has been through AA and knows all the 12 steps and should still work on having serenity in his life but can't seem to shake his depression. Is there a chance your Vet could have depression and need medication? I have depression and I know that without the medication it is impossible to shake those kinds of negative thoughts and get out of a depressive state.
The only thing I would tell you is what they tell me in Al-Anon. Just work on yourself. It becomes too hard to change someone else. If you work to find inner peace and contentment for yourself then you will have the strength to try and not let it bother you so much when he is like this way. I know it is hard. I get a break from my Vet because we are not married. I never know what kind of mood he will be when I go over there. But I try not to respond to his negative comments anymore. I can still listen but not really answer in any way. I also try not to say anything negative to him like tell him something bad that I heard about on the news. This just 'fuels his fire'.
Wish you the best!! I know it is tough!!
catlover26
Silver Member
Lmm,
I'm just thinking whatever is going on in his life that maybe he feels like it is out of control so he likes to control everything else. Again, I would think with something like the flowers you just plant them and that's it. Am I oversimplifying it by saying if he doesn't like it then just don't respond to what he says?
I'm just thinking whatever is going on in his life that maybe he feels like it is out of control so he likes to control everything else. Again, I would think with something like the flowers you just plant them and that's it. Am I oversimplifying it by saying if he doesn't like it then just don't respond to what he says?
- Post starter
- #7
@catlover26 Yes that is it exactly my philosophy. I can't dwell on the negative just focus my efforts towards getting where I want to go in life. Some things you just can't control. Unfortunately he looks at things very differently. You're right about focusing on yourself as well. I know that's what I need to do, I just get too frustrated when I try to help him and it drags me down. Hopefully if he sees me accomplishing some of the things we talk about doing it will motivate him. : )
D
Deleted member 28812
That's just like my guy. Do the things his way or he is convinced they are done WRONG! DEAD WRONG!
I got used to this and started doing (most) things his way.
- Post starter
- #9
@catlover26 yes maybe a little because we live together it's a little different. Sometimes I wish we didn't live together because I could have my peace and not worry about what he thinks because I could just leave when he got like that. : )
- Post starter
- #10
D
Deleted member 28812
@Lmm: Could you give an example?
Maybe you could do some of the things his way - if it makes him happy.
My guy has some really "odd" (from my point of view) ideas. I think I told you about his checklists. He is a checklist-o-holic... but I realized it means somu ch to him that certain things are done certain ways. So I go by his checklists... if it makes him happy.
So if my husband wants something to be done the "A" way and I always used to do it the "B" way but "B" means nothing to me I just change my way... because it makes somebody I love happy and he feels like I am an individual that can be trusted and we can reach our goals together. I think that helps him feel empowered because he sees we are on one team.
Maybe you could do some of the things his way - if it makes him happy.
My guy has some really "odd" (from my point of view) ideas. I think I told you about his checklists. He is a checklist-o-holic... but I realized it means somu ch to him that certain things are done certain ways. So I go by his checklists... if it makes him happy.
So if my husband wants something to be done the "A" way and I always used to do it the "B" way but "B" means nothing to me I just change my way... because it makes somebody I love happy and he feels like I am an individual that can be trusted and we can reach our goals together. I think that helps him feel empowered because he sees we are on one team.
catlover26
Silver Member
My ex was so negative I swear I would never ask him how he was feeling because I knew he would always bitch about something!! LOL
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