Should I Just Give Up On Dating?

[redfoxtrot]

Still recovering from a consussion given to me by my ex biker bf who head butted me on purpose out of anger and to prove a point (this was an excuse obviously). He is now officially ny 3rd abusive ex (least drastic of the three) and of course I dumped him. I know everyone gets angry and I was trying to help him with his issues but he'd always fight with me and e erythema was always my fault to the point where I almost believed it.

No matter where I meet them...I swear I can only attract guys who are abusive. I pick them out....they are either taken or don't want kids (I really want a family some day but this is really making me feel like I should just quit and get a hysterectomy). As If being harassed on the street wasn't enough (no matter how baggy my clothes are mind you) second abusive ex raped me twice because I was "too pretty".

And i hear guys say when I'm open about this "Aww you're too pretty to hurt".

Do I have to be horribly disfigured for anyone to love me for me? Or does it stop only at the pelt I am hunted for? I'm book smart...Yet dumb when it comes to men. I'm not shallow...I don't shoot guys down just because they have one thing wrong and yet I keep finding myself with guys who have anger issues and eventually hurt me. There has to be something mentally wrong with me other than ptsd I swear.

Where do you guys meet people? Should I just give up? I wrote a very depressing intro because this concussion is only 3 days old I feel like my life is passing me by and that I'll never find a loving relationship or have a family :( i just....don't know what to do. I've tried everything. I've even tried not looking and that makes negative public attention worse which makes me want to dress down even more which makes me feel more like crap. But i want companionship too. I have friends but that's a different type of bond. And i take plenty of alone time now (as opposed to when my otsd first started a few years ago where I didn't like to be alone at all and panicked over it). I still panic when alone sometimes but usually when I'm sick tired or stressed to the hilt.

Any wisdom would be nice :(

 

[NovemberStar]

I would think the priority for any of us struggling with PTSD would be to first and foremost focus on OUR healing.

If we struggle to be with ourselves, how can we possibly be able to fully 'be' with another person? Relationships can be great - but only if both people in them are HEALTHY. Any unresolved trauma or past relationship abuse and you will very very likely end up inadvertently repeating the cycle, ending up with those who will continue to hurt you.

When you have done all you can to heal yourself; you will find the types if men you fall for now, are the last on your radar.

You wanted advice - this is mine - forget relationships for now. Focus on you. Do the therapy and trauma work you need to in order to heal. Those in recovery from alcoholism or drug abuse are often told to avoid any sexual relationships (long term or otherwise) for the first 2 years of recovery. I think that is helpful advice for anyone with an major mental illness (like PTSD is). A strong foundation (a healthy you) is needed in order for any relationship to ever work.

 

[redfoxtrot]

Don't think I ever got a time line before. That's actually helpful. I do have a part of me that things everyone has something wrong with them and otsd never goes away so when am I really ready? I feel like that time will never come I honestly do because only time can heal it seems the more I do in therapy and self work the less progress I make. :/ I feel like I need classes on how not to choose bad people? Maybe being celibate and alone for 2 years is a good thing since I can't tell the difference.

 

[marylouise]

Like NovemberStar, I too thought of the 12 Step maxim about staying out of relationships during the early work of recovery. Redfoxtrot, maybe you could set a timeline for yourself and stick to it.

I've found that real, supportive intimacy with close friends is a good template for a relationship. I don't think I ever would have been able to meet and marry my husband if I hadn't learned lessons about being close to other people from friendships. Naturally, friendships are closer when you don't have a romantic partner. Not that my friendships were always successful. In fact, some of them were disastrous - and that's how I learned what kind of people to avoid.

You can attract guys who are not abusive. You will. Those may not be the guys you've ever noticed before though. ; )

 

[redfoxtrot]

Well I notice the non abusive guys hut they end up being married and taken lol hence them being good.

I agree though friendships are always closer when you aren't dating someone. I'll just set up a time line for myself. Had this recent guy not re triggered me by giving me a concussion I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have dive bombed so bad back into ptsd. After joining this site I definitely feel better :) I'm trying to repeat myself that I'm a good person and let time heal.

I'm just going to take my own personal vacation away from guys for awhile like you guys said it's needed. I wouldn't Co wider this early in therapy I started going in 2010/2011 but is that early in ptsd world?

 

[redfoxtrot]

I need to learn to stop trying to help people and when to call it quits. ;) If I see red flags I need to just leave instead of thinking "oh maybe it's just me".

 

[marylouise]

redfox, do you come from a dysfunctional family, alcoholic or otherwise? If you identify as codependent like you did when you say you need to learn how to stop trying to helping people, it's a sign that you did. I was extremely codependent. What really broke that was gong to Al Anon. Even though Al Anon is technically for partners/kids of alcoholics, there were people from all kinds of dysfunctional families in those meetings trying to learn how to have relationships with partners and family that weren't codependent. There's something about going to those meetings and talking out your shit that's helpful and the slogans & tools they teach are really great, whether or not you buy into the entire 12 step philosophy.

 

[redfoxtrot]

It's worth looking into mary. I became codependent after ptsd. Before I was basically a peace keeper and sacrificed my well being to make everyone happy.

I don't remember if there was alcoholism but definitely dysfunction I don't know anyone from that generation that isn't dysfunctional. My generation isn't too bad but we are are result of those dysfunctional people. When I went to college I couldn't move far enough away. :/[DOUBLEPOST=1401408545,1401408466][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh i thought codependent meant I depended on people. I'd say it was the opposite until I was forced to surrender due to the ptsd. Causes me lots of stress now having to ask for help.

 

[jmni]

Maybe you could take a break. I chose to be focus on healing and now I feel like I could be a more competent dater and have a completely different attitude towards men and dating. I do not think I am ready to date at all, but I think I will be much better at it when I start.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

You said you need wisdom. Let me tell you, I am very wise, and people keep saying this, keeping acting like I am.

I have still here, giving advice, and yet everyday I fight this PTSD, and I used to think "I am such a shitty person no one wants"...

Lol, It's taken quite the team of friends to pull me out of this. It's taken day-by-day struggle to change my attitude.

You have to find your wisdom, your book smart aren't you? There are a lot of great tips for finding your soulmate.

As for finding a soulmate, well, breathe.

Life is a adventure. If it only took looking for love then I think we would all have it. It takes so much more, and it takes so much from you.
I don't know much at my age, what I do know is my arse of a grandfather is lucky to have my grandmother. Her love for her children, her grandchildren, hell people in general. Has utterly changed my life.

If you want a soulmate you have to first find it in yourself.

Self-love is the first thing you gotta find. If you can't love yourself who says anyone else will? Now, granted I am the guy that finds the girl who is in need of love and wants it, but of course isn't ready and has the self-esteem of dead cats on their bad days. I fell in love once for a girls flaw. Not her chest, not her "intelligence"(she was super smart she couldn't see it), I choose her because of her flaws. The things most people don't like.

Another thing is, you have to date yourself, find who you are before you can share that with other people.

For me, I am 20 and I keep looking, for some reason I am looking for someone who i know isn't coming into my life for awhile.

Like I said, go find yourself, your wisdom, go prove to you that your worth it, because believe me. You're worth a really great guy, and some confidence in yourself.

Focus your energy on defending yourself. Show them you won't put up with it. The fact that you deal with these abuseive relationships shows up in your body language, and I learned about that in psychology class. You just have to understand that somehow you and him are attracted to each other. He is bad for you, and your good for him.

Why is that? Why do you fixate on these guys? Where do you find them? Maybe your looking for love in all the wrong places.

I am not saying it's your fault by any means. Whether your body language says they can get away with it for not, it's their fault.

But I have had too many close calls and seen to many abusers pass me by. I can pick them out in a crowd, I will stare them down, I will turn to the cops. No one, I MEAN NO ONE, abuses me and gets away with it. I wear those words on my heart, I train to protect those I love.

Maybe those words "No one gets away with it" aren't exactly true, sometimes you have to just walk away. But trust me, if you show them your going to fight they will go find somebody else. And if they don't well, make it clear your not going down without a fight anyway.

Just open your eyes, I am not saying start hissing at people here.

Just open your eyes, ask your questions, and LEARN! LEARN! Be wise Fox, because your wise enough to ask for it, you're wise enough to find it.

Trust yourself, love yourself, find people who you admire, be like those people. Just don't robot through life.

~End Rant~

P.S. If you survived through that bad grammar, congrats, if you need anything else. From chit-chat to more "wisdom" I;m here for you. Go get them.

 

[nursenurse]

Sometimes it comes from an innate desire to fix people. Or a feeling of unworthiness. And trust me, it happens to us non PTSD folks too, lol. You have to see the pattern you have established, which you have, that is is half the battle. Honestly, you should try some counselling, find more out about yourself, why does history keep repeating itself. Introspection is good, it does not mean you are stupid, or not worth the effort. You are human like the rest of us. Then make a good life for yourself, be as happy as you can on your own. If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. Self love and self happiness is the most important gift you can give to yourself and others, and I don't mean that in a narcissistic way. For others to respect you, you have to respect yourself. Now, go get 'em! And good luck.

 

[redfoxtrot]

Thanks nurse. I will try.

Everyone....I have been in counseling since it started. It's not really helping anymore. At some point you just have to learn on your own I think or change therapists lol