Sign On My Head

[EvenStrongerNow]

Sometimes I feel....no actually, a lot of the time I feel like there is a sign on my head that says, Future potential friends: please go ahead and treat me like shit. Make me do all the work and then act like I'm a freak when I assert myself. And future potential employers: Please make promises to me and then not follow through with them. Please take advantage of me, talk to me like I don't deserve politeness and treat me like shit. Please use me when you fail. Go ahead, just place the blame on me to make yourself look good.

Obviously I know that this MUST have something to do with childhood trauma repeating but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to see the red flags and trust myself enough to heed to them. PTSD makes that process extremely difficult.

I'm desperate though. What do I do? I want to learn how to fix this.

 

[therisa]

StrongerNow, many of the things, you have listed here, are part of my own struggles, in regards, with other people. For I was basically worked to exhaustion, by a previous employer. One of the things that is helping me, is a strong and supportive circle of friends and supporters that you trust, which is very hard given our past, but possible. And taking each day, as a new victory for you.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

It's just that.....well, I do have a strong circle of supporters but when it keeps happening, I fear people will start thinking that I am the problem.

I need to figure out how to prevent things like this from happening. When I first get a job opportunity, there are times when something doesn't sit right with me. Because people are encouraging me to go for it, I think we'll maybe I shouldn't listen to myself...and that maybe it's the PTSD causing that fear. Sure enough, something happens.

I want it to stop...maybe I'm giving off something that makes people think they can take advantage of me? Ugh.

LA is a really hard city.

 

[therisa]

Love, you are not the problem. In fact, you're part of the cure, just you don't realize it, yet. :) You will find people will use and spit out others, because that's their nature. It takes time to rebuild the trust, you have in yourself. Please don't beat yourself up, over this. Everywhere is a hard place, when you have abused and traumatized by others. And if, your inner voice is telling to show down, maybe you should listen to it.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I know what you're saying is true intellectually. It's just so hard to get my emotions to catch up to that. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should spend some time listening to myself again and see if that doesn't change things.

 

[therisa]

I know, it hard, but worth the journey.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just wanted to update this. I heard someone recently mention this exact same thing as my original post. It reminded me of my post and I came to search for it.

I did take this journey and you were so right @therisa , it was worth it!! I don't feel this way anymore. That was August of last year and now it's March. I love myself today and I can see that those words in my original post were from my inner child.

Yipee for progress in recovery!!!! :D

 

[therisa]

Your welcome, EvenStrongerNow. You have brought a smile to me, as I am struggling with depression and anxiety, again.