Hello,
I am French, I am 33 years old, and the man I suspect might have an avoidant attachment style is 36. I only speak French, so I used ChatGPT to write this message in English. I hope it will be understandable. I will try to keep it short.
First of all, I want to say that I have never heard a story similar to mine. That is why I am looking for outside opinions.
In October 2019, a man added me on Facebook. He started talking to me and told me that we had already met in 2011, when I visited him once with my ex at his place. The meeting was very brief, and it took me a long time to remember it.
To summarize, we have been talking for six years now. For six years, he has been the one suggesting that we meet. He is a real person: I already met him in 2011, and my best friend was in his class. I have stalked him enough to know that he does not have a girlfriend. He lives at his mother’s place, about a 35-minute drive from my home.
I confronted him once about this situation. He told me that he was overweight and alcoholic. Despite this, I have been hoping to meet him for six years, even though deep down I know it will probably never happen.
I do not feel like he is making fun of me. I rather feel that he is someone who is deeply uncomfortable with himself. That is why I have been very indulgent and patient with him. One day, he told me:
“We could have built something together if I weren’t a huge alcoholic.”
He also shared his fears and insecurities with me, saying things like:
“I don’t know if our meeting would be exceptional,”
“I overthink too much,”
or “Imagine if it doesn’t match.”
At another moment, he was also very honest with me and told me:
“To be honest with you, I’m currently in a really bad phase. To be sincere, I look more like ‘Le Joueur du Grenier’ in 2015. And that’s what blocks me. It’s something personal, about myself. You, on the other hand, are almost perfect.”
(For context, “Le Joueur du Grenier” is a French YouTuber often associated with a geeky appearance: overweight, greasy hair, glasses. He was referring to his physical appearance and self-image.)
Despite all these doubts and his lack of self-confidence, he keeps suggesting dates, such as going to the cinema or a museum, with a specific day and time. In total, he must have suggested around thirty dates. However, on the day itself, I stop hearing from him. He then comes back several days later by message, as if nothing happened.
Our conversations are often based on exchanging music, songs that seem to express what he would like to say but cannot clearly put into words.
When he writes to me, it is always very late at night, between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m., never during the day. If I want a smooth conversation, I have to reply immediately. However, if I am asleep and reply the next day, he takes on average a week to answer. He has made some effort, because before that I sometimes had to wait up to three weeks for a reply.
One day, I had enough. After he suggested yet another date, I calmly told him:
“Thank you for the invitation, but with some distance, I think it’s better if we don’t plan anything. We’ve been talking for several years, there have been ideas for outings, and in the end nothing ever happens. This is not a reproach; everyone has their reasons, but on my side I need something concrete now.”
He replied, “Haha, that’s understandable, don’t worry,” and then immediately blocked me on Messenger. Three days later, he sent me a song on WhatsApp and a message that he then deleted. I asked him if everything was okay.
Since then, we have started talking again as before. He suggests dates again, as if he had not taken my boundaries into account, and I fall back into the same vicious circle every time.
I feel that he deeply enjoys solitude. For example, he told me that he is not seeing anyone at the moment. When I asked him why, he answered:
“With hindsight, it’s very stupid. Basically, when I was younger, I trusted people who betrayed me or let me down. That happens to everyone, but instead of moving on, I decided to say: screw everyone, I’m going solo. Stupid? Yes. But in the end, that’s how I built myself. Even if I try to change, it’s too deeply rooted in me.”
In the same way, when I asked him how his new job was going, he replied:
“It’s pretty good. I’m in charge of my department, and I’m alone. It’s absolutely great. I don’t have to answer to anyone at all, and that’s really pleasant.”
I am sharing these elements so that you can better understand his personality.
Today, I cannot bring myself to cut the connection with him. I would dream of meeting him, but I think it will remain just a dream.
What do you think? Does this sound like avoidant attachment to you, or not?
I am French, I am 33 years old, and the man I suspect might have an avoidant attachment style is 36. I only speak French, so I used ChatGPT to write this message in English. I hope it will be understandable. I will try to keep it short.
First of all, I want to say that I have never heard a story similar to mine. That is why I am looking for outside opinions.
In October 2019, a man added me on Facebook. He started talking to me and told me that we had already met in 2011, when I visited him once with my ex at his place. The meeting was very brief, and it took me a long time to remember it.
To summarize, we have been talking for six years now. For six years, he has been the one suggesting that we meet. He is a real person: I already met him in 2011, and my best friend was in his class. I have stalked him enough to know that he does not have a girlfriend. He lives at his mother’s place, about a 35-minute drive from my home.
I confronted him once about this situation. He told me that he was overweight and alcoholic. Despite this, I have been hoping to meet him for six years, even though deep down I know it will probably never happen.
I do not feel like he is making fun of me. I rather feel that he is someone who is deeply uncomfortable with himself. That is why I have been very indulgent and patient with him. One day, he told me:
“We could have built something together if I weren’t a huge alcoholic.”
He also shared his fears and insecurities with me, saying things like:
“I don’t know if our meeting would be exceptional,”
“I overthink too much,”
or “Imagine if it doesn’t match.”
At another moment, he was also very honest with me and told me:
“To be honest with you, I’m currently in a really bad phase. To be sincere, I look more like ‘Le Joueur du Grenier’ in 2015. And that’s what blocks me. It’s something personal, about myself. You, on the other hand, are almost perfect.”
(For context, “Le Joueur du Grenier” is a French YouTuber often associated with a geeky appearance: overweight, greasy hair, glasses. He was referring to his physical appearance and self-image.)
Despite all these doubts and his lack of self-confidence, he keeps suggesting dates, such as going to the cinema or a museum, with a specific day and time. In total, he must have suggested around thirty dates. However, on the day itself, I stop hearing from him. He then comes back several days later by message, as if nothing happened.
Our conversations are often based on exchanging music, songs that seem to express what he would like to say but cannot clearly put into words.
When he writes to me, it is always very late at night, between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m., never during the day. If I want a smooth conversation, I have to reply immediately. However, if I am asleep and reply the next day, he takes on average a week to answer. He has made some effort, because before that I sometimes had to wait up to three weeks for a reply.
One day, I had enough. After he suggested yet another date, I calmly told him:
“Thank you for the invitation, but with some distance, I think it’s better if we don’t plan anything. We’ve been talking for several years, there have been ideas for outings, and in the end nothing ever happens. This is not a reproach; everyone has their reasons, but on my side I need something concrete now.”
He replied, “Haha, that’s understandable, don’t worry,” and then immediately blocked me on Messenger. Three days later, he sent me a song on WhatsApp and a message that he then deleted. I asked him if everything was okay.
Since then, we have started talking again as before. He suggests dates again, as if he had not taken my boundaries into account, and I fall back into the same vicious circle every time.
I feel that he deeply enjoys solitude. For example, he told me that he is not seeing anyone at the moment. When I asked him why, he answered:
“With hindsight, it’s very stupid. Basically, when I was younger, I trusted people who betrayed me or let me down. That happens to everyone, but instead of moving on, I decided to say: screw everyone, I’m going solo. Stupid? Yes. But in the end, that’s how I built myself. Even if I try to change, it’s too deeply rooted in me.”
In the same way, when I asked him how his new job was going, he replied:
“It’s pretty good. I’m in charge of my department, and I’m alone. It’s absolutely great. I don’t have to answer to anyone at all, and that’s really pleasant.”
I am sharing these elements so that you can better understand his personality.
Today, I cannot bring myself to cut the connection with him. I would dream of meeting him, but I think it will remain just a dream.
What do you think? Does this sound like avoidant attachment to you, or not?
