Hello, same as everyone, there's the good and the bad. I'm 47 and never was a user, other than taking a puff here and there, out of politeness more than interest. From 16 to 45, weed made me feel horrible, couldn't stand not to be in control, not to be fully awake around people.
- At 45, I smoked a joint while watching Psycho by Hitchcock and it was a revelation : the slowed weed-time made me see more things in the psyche of the characters than I had seen before, without weed. I tried again with Alfred Hitchcock's Presents series and I was blasted by the depth of the characters. It helped me a great deal at seeing things in my life, I was like a blind person seeing for the first time. But even then it was very occasionnal.
Also the best part was going to bed, high on weed, entering slowly into sleep and getting blasted again by the racing flow of my own thoughts, inbricated one into another, making perfect sense, as if for the first time in my life.
- And then recently for like 3 months or so, I used weed more systematically, because I couldn't sleep at all and it helped me. And at that point, I used that state of racing thoughts to ask myself questions, while "the guard/the conscious state" was off. And I've had the most emotional connection or reconnection with a part of me that knows more on my early years at the time of the trauma, 3 years old, than I do. At first I've had a fit of rage at that part, accusing it/me of ruining my life with and avoiding strategy, that is so good that I'm cut off from everything and everyone. Pure furor. The following night, I finally understood that part, apologized to it/me, had a heartfelt hand over my arm, I talked to it/me to tell it that I would acknowledge its presence and what it says from now on. It liberated a flux of sensations in numbed body parts that I'm used to but had never understood before : it really felt like buoys floating in a small perimeter at the surface tied to a rope going underneath at the bottom of the ocean, at the the time of the trauma, past and present making perfect sense, linked by a continuous meaning. I can't believe I've been living doubting and denying the obvious for so long. I do still have these moments of doubt, but nothing as bad as before and when it happens, I look back at the evidence, at the bottom of the ocean, linked to the present by a rope. Whenever that happens I reassure myself that I believe myself, and that now we are one.
So that was a pretty fantastic experience for me and a huge step forward.
The downside of this is that it "wrecks me" a bit physically and also mentally. The experience was very strong and my nerves are electric, and I'm wasted. I need rest from this. Also I certainly don't need to get hooked on that or anything else, and I'm well aware I have an addictive personality, so I'm really careful and I know when to stop.
For what it's worth, on the psychosomatic/addiction side : I'm back at smoking tobacco because I have ulcerative colitis, that clearly is psychosomatic, my body screaming "Stop the denial". I don't want to take drugs that ruin the liver and kidneys, as other UC sufferers have kindly warned me. I've read studies that say that smoking can put UC in remission (and it worked once before on me). They don't know how, as nicotine patches don't work to achieve remission. But I've read other studies explaining it's not the tobacco that puts the UC in remission, but resuming the addictive conduct. That it is well known that in cases of psychosomatic diseases, it often happens that quitting an addiction gives rise to a psychosomatic disease, that stops when resuming the addiction. That is not to say that addictions are good, they do get in the way of fully understanding the trauma(s) and get rid of it. What I understand from all that is that resuming my addiction put my UC in remission in 10 days, that it's psychosomatic, that I have more work to do to calm down (according the good advice of Bessel Van der Kolk), be kind to myself and no more bullying, in order to access as much as I can the horrible events buried in me, that cast a shadow over my life. And prepare myself to quit smoking at some point.
Weed is great for me in small doses, occasionnally, not every day, in order to keep getting the best of it.
(the end) :
Weed is great for me in small doses, occasionnally, not every day, in order to keep getting the best of it. I don't need to be wasted, literally. High is good, not wasted :) Last : it's not good to go full throttle digging in my memories, it really is a shock physically and mentally, it must be gradual in order to maintain the efforts at rebuilding my life, work, meeting friends, flirting :) The goal is to live well.
One more thing :
Studies say that heavy weed smoking during years (I think I've read 6 to 8), shrinks the brain, the grey matter. To compensate this, the brain creates a lot of fine connections that non-users don't have. After a while (unspecified), they shrink too. So damage to the brain is something to be aware of, especially for people with trauma, who already have a brain wired specifically because of the trauma (when during childhood) : the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis (HPA axis) is thought to underlie stress-related psychiatric disorders such as PTSD, with a ripple effect on numerous organs (including cavities).
I'm a recent and occasional smoker, so I'm not worried about that, but I have taken every possible legal psycho drugs and have no studies to tell me how much it wrecked my brain, on top of the childhood trauma. It's hard to live without some narcotic, but a full blown addiction, gee, I don't need that.
Do all of you use it just to relax or to purposefully probe to find meaning, answers ?