So… Why Do I Keep Going?

[desiderata310]

I don't want to freak anyone out I am not actively suicidal. I had this conversation with my therapist recently and I've been thinking about it a great deal since then: Why do I continues to fight? What do I actually have to live for?
I went through the typical list of things that I SHOULD hang my hat on: kids being the top of that list. They don't need me anymore. I am not necessary in their lives. If I disappear from the landscape they continue on and don't miss me. I can go months without hearing from my oldest.

I am unnecessarily breathing the air, taking up resources.

So I keep wondering, why am I trying? Why DO I keep trying to get better? The scary part is I don't have a reason. I don't have anything to look forward to. I don't HAVE anything to strive for or look forward to. I don't have any friends here in this new town.

I don't actually enjoy life. I have a few things I like doing but I kinda don't care if I do them now or not.

So what now?

I keep pushing but I'm tired. I don't have a real reason to try or to get better. I don't see the point in continuing. I have done ZERO work on my thesis aaand I don't care.

I wouldn't call it depression. I am not sad. I just don't…care.

If all I really have to look forward to is more fear, more anxiety and the monotony of not caring day in and day out, why do it?

 

[ghotiff]

I didn't want to leave your post unattended, but I'm not sure if I have anything of value to say.

Life is hard and its even harder when you are not clear what you are struggling for. There are many websites devoted to 'finding your purpose', they might be helpful, but they might be too superficial.

I try to find purpose in the little things....I try to impact people in a positive way, for example if I notice that someone is lonely or sad, I aim to be extra nice or extra supportive. Having said that, I am aware that some of the things that gave me purpose or happiness a year ago, now don't ...I too just don't care as much as I used to.

 

[Notsowild]

I have been fighting this feeling too. I had a thread "what's the point?" It's hard when you're dealing with so much going on in your brain. There is so much to learn to manage all these symptoms. Don't give in to these thoughts. We all belong in this world. And you can always talk to us when you're feeling down. And I can definetly understand.:hug:

 

[Jezanna]

I've had these thoughts myself. I'm going this week to sign up to volunteer with seniors . I needed to be needed and desperately needed to meet new people. I'm also working with my therapist on my personal mission statement to clarify where do I go from here. I'm starting early with empty nest issues and this is how I choose to help myself. I hope you share these thoughts with your pdoc as maybe med change is in order.

 

[Time to heal]

I don't want to be kicked out of this website for offering a different approach for help. I suffer from PTSD with anxiety and have been diagnosed by a psychologist since 2011. I have days that are very hard to deal with on that level, and some are a little better. I say this with complete care and concern that taking your life is NOT the answer. I am a very faithful person in God and Jesus. Every time I have a trigger, I read my Holy Bible (our guidebook for life) and pray. It helps so much. Please do that.

I was ran over by a drunk driver at 6 years old. I died, went to heaven, and came back to life to share my testimony. I can tell you that my soul left my body instantly, and immediately I was in heaven.

I really believe that taking your life will NOT get you into heaven!

Have faith and patience in the good Lord and he will guide you into the life he has planned for you to live. A life worth living.

I have an youtube clip that I'd like to share but don't know if it's allowed on this website? Let me know if you would like for me to share it.

 

[Justmehere]

I went through the typical list of things that I SHOULD hang my hat on: kids being the top of that list. They don't need me anymore. I am not necessary in their lives. If I disappear from the landscape they continue on and don't miss me. I can go months without hearing from my oldest.

Frankly, you are 100% wrong here. I have a friend who was not very close to her father, but he committed suicide when she was 20 and it absolutely continues to devastate her to this day, 15 years later. When she got married, when she had her first child, her father was not there to participate and it has left a legacy of pain that she struggles with greatly. Your kids may not contact you often, and it may because they are busy or in a phase of life where they don't reach out to you much... but they absolutely do need their Mom to keep fighting and to stay here.

I have been suicidal, even acted on it once. I have lost 2 friends to suicide, one was my roommate and the other had children. They thought like you, that no one needed them anymore, that life was not worth living. I miss them very dearly, and think of them almost every day. I do miss them. I would miss you too.

You do have to find your own reasons for fighting, for living on, for building the life you want to live... It's just absolutely not correct to say your kids don't need you to stay alive, when they absolutely do.

If all I really have to look forward to is more fear, more anxiety and the monotony of not caring day in and day out, why do it?

Depression doesn't always show up as sadness. It can show up as numb despair. It did for me. It eventually lifted. The lack of hope is very much a PTSD state. It can change, it can get better. The way you feel now is not how things will always be.

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe it is just time to not care right now. There are so many states and phases that come and go through this process. We are here for a reason which me may not know as of yet. As @Time to heal says, I too have died and come back on more than one occasion. Why am I here? I was angry that I didn't die when I learned about my circumstances. My twin got to die so why not me?

It looks and feels like a long road ahead but I truly believe that we all are here for a purpose until we are not here. Even then I feel there is purpose. I agree with @Justmehere. Having had parents that died when I was 20, I just have to say that I wasn't an angel at that time. I was pretty self absorbed. If I could have just 5 minutes with them. I didn't realize it then but I realize it now.

So for now, so what if you don't care. Can you just let yourself go with that for a while? Given that you are not suicidal there is no immediate crisis - so maybe just roll with it.

 

[Hope4Now]

As someone already said, depression doesn't always show up as sadness...more often it is just lack of energy to pursue and create meaning. Try a conversation with your therapist.

As for your children, they would be devastated if something happened to you. They may be busy pursuing their own lives and dreams, but they still love you. My father committed suicide at 80 and I at 50 am still devastated by it even though we had a terribly complicated relationship.

It seems that your purpose, for now, is to learn to love yourself and to heal yourself. Your larger purpose in the world will emerge as you openly listen to your healing heart.

Peaceful thoughts from me to you.

 

[shimmerz]

Your larger purpose in the world will emerge as you openly listen to your healing heart.

LOVE THIS @Hope4Now Beautifully put.

 

[Mercy]

It seems that your purpose, for now, is to learn to love yourself and to heal yourself. Your larger purpose in the world will emerge as you openly listen to your healing heart.

I agree. There are 'empty wastelands' in us created by our trauma. Sand gets blown at us and in our eyes. Exhauted, we can choose to give up walking through this dry and barren land. Or we can choose to walk on in faith, not knowing where we are going.

For me, my traumas came forward in my awareness slowly. The least difficult first. I believe that God led all the way to now.

Have you ever seen crewel work embroidery? People who do crewel work know that each thread of colored wool is important not to waste. If you look at the bottom side of their work , it looks like the bits of color are unrelated, scattered, and meaningless. With God as the embroider, He gets to see the top side of the work. The full picture can be seen. It's beautiful, all filled in with flowers and birds, leafy trees, wildflowers blooming in the meadow with a small sparkling stream. Each stitch represents events in your/my life hurtful and happy, despairing and hopeful, devastating and alive. With loving care, The embroider records everything. Loving and forgiving you deeply, just as Jesus does. Christ's last words were," Father, forgive them for the know not what they are doing." applies, for me, to my abusers.

Thanks Hope4Now for posting above. I will take it to heart too.

 

[desiderata310]

No offence to anyone of faith; I have none. It died long ago. I am glad to hear that many of you find comfort in God. I don't fault you for that. I am glad that works for you. I tried it repeatedly. I don't need some deity to tell me I am bad and going to suffer more for what I have or have not done. I know I am going to suffer. That fact has always been the case and it will continue to be that way forever.

When my therapist asked me what STOPPED me... all I could come back with was fear of failing and winding up in the hospital, at one instance my method was not available and inertia was responsible for another: in other words, I would have had I had a clear shot at succeeding. *shrug* I don't know if that makes me more of a "risk" or not.

I do know that I keep repeating that I am tired and I am sick of the hurt. I don't see it changing. Actually, I've been somewhat assured that it will get worse. Occasionally, I can find reasons to be happy in the moment: a stupid joke, feeling of flying when I ride home late at night but all that is too fleeting and not enough to say, "hey, life doesn't suck so bad after all"

I've spent my entire life living for others: helping/caring for or under someone else's thumb. Maybe, this is just me finally finding a way to be good to me. It sounds counter intuitive, I know, but even now someone/ something else dictates everything in my life: even my job at this point. I moved where I did because my last job let me go and I had no other choice but to move where there was a job. I didn't want to move to this city. Now that I am here, this job dictates whether I can have a quiet weekend off or if I have to work a 70 hour week. I still don't feel like I have any control. Maybe I just want to be selfish and I don't know any other way.

I don't know anymore. I am not motivated enough to try right now so I don't suppose it matters.

 

[shimmerz]

@desiderata310 it sounds like you have every good reason in the world right now not to care. Maybe even a self protection mechanism. After caring for so many people for so long it is easy to get lost in the shuffle. Mothers in particular I find have big issues with this after raising children etc etc etc. Selfish? Maybe right now it is just self care to feel the way you do and I am sure in time there will be a regrouping. Perhaps this is just your body's way of saying 'enough'! It is so very difficult when you give away your life to others just to be left eating the dust as they run towards the hills without looking back.