Relationship So Hurting Right Now

[Bighearted]

I've been "seeing" a guy with ptsd for a while but only discovered he has this condition recently. Things were so good in the beginning but situations with his kids have occurred and at the time I did not know he had the condition. he deals with stress by cutting me off I.e no communication by not being able to contact him at all.

This feels so personal as I haven't seen him in months and he hardly ever speaks to me on the phone just by text and that's not as good as it used to be. He is getting help but I dont know he is engaging in his sessions to get himself in a better place.

I feel so alone and unloved. I have been reading about this condition so I do know about the silences and how they deal with things but it's still hard. I keep asking him what he wants from me and he doesn't say.

Reading other posts on relationships doesn't give me much hope.

 

[Glara]

I wish I had an answer for you. I'm probably not the best person to discuss this with, because my sufferer and I just broke up last weekend. He told me he never promised or insinuated anything about a relationship. I have most of his texted saved, that say otherwise. Sigh .

All I can suggest is hang in there. Some people are able to make it work. Everyone on here will tell you to take care of yourself and live your life. In my case I have no choice anymore. I've known this guy for over 30 years. I think he'll be back. Someday. But he's made it clear that he wants me to go.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. You just have to live your life and decide how much you're willing or able to take. Much as you read it's not personal, it's ptsd, there's no way not to take it personally. Please try to focus on your life and your plans. Good luck and try to feel better. I know how hard that is.

 

[shimmerz]

I keep asking him what he wants from me and he doesn't say.

Expectations are so hard for us. Others, our own. This must be so difficult and I am very sorry for that.

 

[Bighearted]

Thank both for you kind words. I know I need to take a step right back and let him deal with his issues and I need to focus on me. Time will tell.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Bighearted and welcome to the forums.

Having a loved one with PTSD push you away is definitely tough, and something that many supporters have to deal with at some point. It's never easy.

Myself, I had my guy push me away very early on our relationship, due to external stressors and his anxiety about starting a new relationship. While we still saw each other during that time, we didn't spend any time alone together for a good while and the relationship kinda stalled for a bit. It took a couple of months for us to work it out. Once our relationship became serious though, I made it clear that this kind of coping strategy wasn't really going for work for me in the long term, and I pointed out that once we moved in together he would need to find a new way to deal with feeling overloaded. He took that on board and things are going well so far. He has been undergoing treatment for many years already though.

You didn't mention whether your guy is undergoing treatment for his condition. Is he in therapy and/or on meds? If he is living with untreated PTSD, things may not get much better. Many supporters find that they benefit from getting their own therapist for extra support, so that might be something to consider as well, if the relationship moves forward.

So, if things pick up again with your guy in future, I would suggest having a conversation about how similar scenarios might be handled in the future. But before that, ask yourself if this is really the kind of relationship you want for yourself anyway. Dating/living with someone who has PTSD is not going to be easy, even if they are working on hard on their treatment. It's not for everyone. It CAN work, but both people must be committed to finding a way. Your guy might not be ready for the unique (and stressful) demands of a romantic relationship right now. Or maybe he just needs some thinking time. Time will tell, as you say. Sounds like you've got the right idea already - there's not much you can do at this point, it's all up to him.

The community on this forum are a pretty friendly, helpful bunch, so don't be shy about posting further. Best of luck to you.

 

[Bighearted]

Thank you @Wastinglight . He is seeing a therapist and on meds but I don't think he is taking them. We live an hour and half apart. We do talk of sorts but I very rarely get phone calls and I haven't seen him face to face for months. He says he loves me but makes no effort to come and see me. I always make plans for him to see me but then on the day as usual he turns his phone off so I can't contact him. It really hurts when he does this.

I really do want us to work but it is so hard. His last bout with ptsd was 10 years ago and he said it didn't last as long as it is now. Just really confused, I am trying to give him is space.