So Much Pain

[Sandstone]

'm always envious of PTSD sufferers who can work or do recreational things or pretty much anything through the triggered periods. That's the whole problem with coping skills for me--once you're triggered it's too late.

I really, really want to know he answer to this. My T has sent me off to think about it this week, but if feels a bit like being put on the naughty step and told to think about what I've done wrong.

I can see that once I've gone over the peak, I can use techniques to come back down faster. And I can sort of see that there might be signs that i"m going into it, but there is only one I'm aware of. I can't begin to see how in the midst I could possibly think of using a technique, let alone do it. Thos bits of my mind aren't there at the time.

At the moment, I'm working on the basis that everyone says these things will be effective, so I will practice them and wait for illumination about how to use them in the moment.

( Sorry - this is diverting your thread - skip it)

 

[Eleanor]

How are you @shimmerz?

 

[shimmerz]

Boy oh boy. Okay, I am still in drug hangover mode. Haven't taken any since yesterday. Here is the crazy thing....besides the fact that I seriously felt psychosis yesterday. Not belittling psychosis at all - I mean, I felt psychotic. Things were not real. Something inside me had me pacing...pacing...like a trapped animal. I wanted to rip off my face....I wanted a knife to pierce my face. My friend wouldn't let me out of his sight.

I couldn't drop into catatonia or sleep. I needed to throw up but never did. I couldn't go outside. I couldn't smoke. I could not hang onto anything 'real' around me. Oh boy.

So here is what happened last night. I slept on the couch with me friend in the room. I moaned, I groaned, I got up and down. I felt pain and I am guessing that it was in my face because that is what I wanted to rip apart. Badly. I got up around 2 am for a bit and noticed that the right side of my face is swollen to double its normal size. Then I think, hmmmm, a tooth?

So I do some oil pulling, use salt water to rinse, use hydrogen peroxide solution brush, use Apple Cider Vinegar to rinse. Take three ibuprofen. Start having to blow nose as if I have a cold (which I don't). Fall asleep.

Friend wakes me up this morning, says, OMG, what is wrong. Say, think it is my tooth. Not sure though. Can't locate which one or not. Need to figure out a dentist somehow I think (although I have huge oral issues so no idea).

Then I think to myself. This started with a suitcase. It was such incredible inside pain. I numbed that pain with Ativans etc and now I have a crazy swollen face? I get to CA and I end up with a crazy swollen pancreas?

Anybody have any ideas? I would like to come back to this when my cognition is better online. Thank you bookoffee for the insight as to cognition when in this mode. Please continue on those lines if it is helpful, so stenni, please no apologies. It is important stuff. No, there was no cognition with me yesterday - but I can usually do so. It is helpful to learn for those that don't know how.

Truthfully, JL, yes, this is so very big. I am doing work in my diary - yesterday was screwed though. I have been taking many online psychology courses etc. This though -- I need someone who knows what they are doing cause clearly I don't. I hadn't thought of online, but I would guess that they cost too. Thank you all. Some really valuable stuff in the posts I could take in this morning. More later. Much love.

 

[shimmerz]

• This feeling isn’t comfortable or pleasant, but I can accept it
• I can be anxious and still deal with this situation

• I can handle these symptoms or sensations

• This isn’t an emergency. It is ok to think slowly about what I need to do

• This isn’t the worst thing that could happen

• I’m going to go with this and wait for my anxiety to decrease

• This is an opportunity for me to learn to cope with my fears

• I’ll just let my body do its thing. This will pass

• I’ll ride through this – I don’t need to let this get to me

• I deserve to feel ok right now

• I can take all the time I need in order to let go and relax
  
  There’s no need to push myself, I can take as small a step forward
  • I’ve survived this before and I’ll survive this time, too
    
    
  • I can do my coping strategies and allow this to pass
    
    
  • This anxiety won’t hurt me - even if it doesn’t feel good
    
    
  • This is just anxiety – I’m not going to let it get to me
    
    
  • Nothing serious is going to happen to me
    
    
  • Fighting and resisting this isn’t going to help – so I’ll just let it pass
    
    
  • These are just thoughts – not reality
    
    
  • I don’t need these thoughts – I can choose to think differently
  This isn’t dangerous

I so wish I could attach to these things. I have NO brain. I don't know what I have. I feel (no, I am being, I haven't gotten to the feel part yet) like it is annihilation. I need to remove parts of my body. I feel like Edward Scissorhands (sp?) with claws that can cut deep in.

I was 4 days old. They did an operation (serious) on me with only a paralysing agent. No anaesthetic. 8 weeks of recoup time with negligent parents. Socks in the mouth if I cried. I can't quite describe how my body would feel given those circumstances, but it attempted to show me yesterday. This has happened once before. Pain beyond comprehension. This is why I feel I don't feel pain. Pain is a trigger that takes me to psychotic behaviour. Self mutilating psychotic behaviour.

This feels too big. Ativan.

 

[Hope4Now]

We are taking HOME with us." Perhaps you could tell that baby that she is home with you, and you are taking HOME and her with you.

Yes!

@shimmerz :hug::hug::hug: to you. Gentle, calming energy.
Ask that baby to give you some space. Remind her that you're here, now, to take care of her and keep her with you always...that she doesn't have to flood you to get your attention. Is she aware of your presence? You are a strong, smart, capable adult...Even if you have to pretend rock her in your arms...breathe with her. It takes babies a long time to learn things, to learn to trust you, that you're safe and there and she will always be home in you, no matter where you the adult are.

Peace to you, my friend.

 

[Hope4Now]

My post came in at a really weird time. Sorry about that.

I can't quite describe how my body would feel given those circumstances, but it attempted to show me yesterday.

Yes, it has a lot of pain for you to witness. The ripping, the cutting, the jabbing, the desperation to run...all body memories I think. Breathe through them. They are not happening now. Perhaps the psychological pain converting to physical to take your attention. Ativan, self-talk, write write write write write, rest, eat, puke if you need to.

Terror of the pain, flight from the pain, fight against the pain will make it worse. Gentle yourself dear shimmerz as best you can. And safely rock that baby in your arms. Peter Levine tells us to breathe through the pain...to imagine breathing in soft, gentle, cleansing, warm light up through our feet and through our bodies, and breath out releasing the pain bit by bit. Not trying to get rid of it. Just trying to free it if that makes sense? Vocalizing VUUU on the outbreath until you run out of air helps a lot (at least when I'm in terrible pain). Makes you look like a total looney, but it's effective.

Can you go buy some play-dough or clay to squeeze and poke and prod maybe. Get hold of something you can dig your fingers into--even if it is a rolled up sweater? Cut paper. Cardboard, etc.

Just a few ideas.

Or make a campfire and cook up some s'mores?

 

[Born to Run]

I dislike to repeat myself as it is not meant pushy. Please try to let the friend touch you, when you are in such deep pain. I have also wanted to rip my face off during therapy, and could only go on with the psychotic pain, because my therapist had his hands on my head/face and was with me during this hell. Once you are so deep into the emotion is does not take really long to release it, or your body will know when to stop and start again the next day, but let someone feel it with you. Of course only if the friend can take it.
Take care so much.

PS. you are getting your stuff back from CA? That would be superb.

 

[Eleanor]

I am so glad you have a friend to watch over you.. Gratitude to the friend - and to you for honoring that poor babe. Sending lots and lots of healing energy.