Social Rules/boundaries

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi There,

Did any of you have to learn to have rules or boundaries with regards to sharing your emotions, story, PTSD experiences with people? Like friends for example.

Did you run into a lot of people who minimized your experience? Devalued you? Tried to parent you? Blame you? Etc.

What rules or boundaries did you have to make?

Thanks.

 

[The Albatross]

I try to hold my experiences separate and apart (as much as I am able) from my friendships and familial/spousal relationship with. I do though have two by phone friendships with people who also have PTSD. I can talk with either one of them or use the forum, it was setting up a base of support. I found that it was an unreasonable expectation for me in most cases to get the understanding I needed so I wrote my participation on some support forums and the need gets met that way. It is easier to deal with my relationships now except for the spousal one but even that one has gradually improved.

Friends and family did minimize or devalue or advise... but I had to assess each person on their own and in my case most all of my 3 dimensional relationships couldn't bear the additional weight of being a confidante or emotionally available enough to give me a "safe" place.

I pick and choose where, when and how long I will visit with my friends. One friend does understand that I have periods where I close up for a while. She leaves it to me to reconnect with her although she really doesn't understand PTSD.

I try to balance my emotional state and manage my symptoms and give myself permission to leave or discontinue the visit if I start having difficulty. It took some general discussion and some understanding, my husband, our mothers, and a couple of friends have come to realize that it is just something I need to do from time to time and that it is no reflection on their treatment of me at any given time or anything they said. As I can tolerate more, I can move the boundary. They are now okay with that.

That's just a couple. I'm not a stickler about rules for other people, rather more of a stickler about the rules I set for myself. I try to frame them in a way that is generally beneficial for both me and the other person if that makes any sense.

 

[saffy]

Hi strongernow

I understand this. I found that even though I thought I was being open, what I was telling people was more to do with validation or for them to 'understand'.

I realised that what I thought was open was far too descriptive or intense for most people I know, it made it awkward as they just did not know what to say or how to take it.

I had to set myself boundaries on what I disclosed and what I said. Having learned that you need social boundaries it has helped in a way. I found though the biggest help was learning that I did not have to explain myself at all. I did not need to make them understand, it would be impossible anyway unless they have suffered too.

I tend to tell people things on a need to know basis rather than disclosing every issue and thought.

What I have learnt though is that as much as I needed to learn social boundaries I had to also learn personal boundaries on how others treat me and took people for their individual merits rather than naively believing everyone else was good and perfect.

I found out most people around me had loads of flaws and inner negative dialogue but never showed it within their social circle because they used the circle for more positive things and as respite from what was going on in their personal lives or heads. If that makes sense.

I think it is to do with being self aware also.

best wishes
Saffy