SeekingAfrica
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I don't ...can't... I...
I still don't feel my age, I feel like a child trying to remember that I'm not.
So...
I...
I need this now. To say this. I had a dream, with my grandmother and grandfather and my family. Later on with parents. Trying to tell my mother about what happened as a child but her always being too busy. Anyway. When I woke up from my alarm something like a flashback happened. Except maybe not? I don't know. With my child memories there is a lot of remembering or right before and right after and not that many details of the MIDDLE if that makes sense. Just memories of looking or planning in my head or scratching the wood or the sideboard of my bed and basically just flashes of details. But very vivid memories of the before and after.
So today I wake from this dream which... wasn't anything bad in it except HIM, but nothing bad happened.
When I woke something happened. Like a flashback? I don't know. I haven't- why is this happening now? I just... it was like I couldn't move at first.. Couldn't open my eyes. I nevertheless covered myself in 2 covers from head to toe. I twisted and turned, and shook like it was cold and scratched the wall and kicked in my covers bubble and it felt odd that the wall was painted and not the wood board of that bed from my childhood. I remembered flashes of the middle part, more feelings on/over me and some flashes but I couldn't get up, snap out. Part of me felt all the way there, part of me felt my current bed feeling different and I knew I wasn't there. But I remembered these things, like hands touching me and me recoiling until my head hits the wall, but the hands were like a giant hands(cause I was little) and that metal bracelet he always wore that I always remember correctly. Things like his weight over me and hands pulling the covers. I started rocking back and forth(in reality now) and in the memory I could feel pressure and faster breathing and I couldn't move just rocking back and forth. And remembering him doing... I never remember this part and now it was there. I can't even type it, but it was there and I can't ...I just kept rocking fasted and faster in the flash-whatever and in reality and I couldn't stop for a while and then everything was hurting so there were memories that layered over it, memories of nice things like parents making hot breakfast on cold Sunday morning with the snow and there was no pain.
When I was out I couldn't move from the position I was in, my whole body was shaking like I was cold for a long time, faster and faster. I kicked, I scratched the wall (it's concrete so tough luck but still), I scratched my ties. I had to feel my bed, and glance over my covers several times until things come into focus and start to feel real and safe. I came out limb by limb, shaking and uncertain of whether it's safe. I am just having breakfast and regretting I have nothing to make my childhood warm breakfast. It feels weird that I'm allowed to drink coffee. Memories from several decades are mixing and mashing and my brain is pulling comfy memories and I can't focus on the present. Everything important to do, everything real in my life, even this, still feels a little surreal. My body still hurts. I don't feel like a child, but I don't feel my age or feel my body. I can't make myself focus for more than 2 sec. I can't feel like I'm really in my body although my body feels sensations. I feel weird that I live alone and my family isn't here. I feel weird that I'm not in my childhood actual home. I can't look in the mirror yet. I feel like there is snow(calming) outside although when I look there isn't. The world still feels far. My fingers are still numb and tingly as I'm writing. I know at the back of my head this is one of the most important months this year and I have to get to work (from home thank god, though errands out too). I still feel like I need 5 showers. The things are coming in and out of focus and everything is just messed up.
What is happening? Did my body just make all this up because of the dream? I never remember the middle, I shouldn't, I can't, I won't, I have to be making it up because it can't I won't i can't be... This can't be how it was it can't be how it was it can't be.... please someone tell me it can't be and I knew it was like that but please I can't be remembering this part I won't I can't....please...
I still don't feel my age, I feel like a child trying to remember that I'm not.
So...
I...
I need this now. To say this. I had a dream, with my grandmother and grandfather and my family. Later on with parents. Trying to tell my mother about what happened as a child but her always being too busy. Anyway. When I woke up from my alarm something like a flashback happened. Except maybe not? I don't know. With my child memories there is a lot of remembering or right before and right after and not that many details of the MIDDLE if that makes sense. Just memories of looking or planning in my head or scratching the wood or the sideboard of my bed and basically just flashes of details. But very vivid memories of the before and after.
So today I wake from this dream which... wasn't anything bad in it except HIM, but nothing bad happened.
When I woke something happened. Like a flashback? I don't know. I haven't- why is this happening now? I just... it was like I couldn't move at first.. Couldn't open my eyes. I nevertheless covered myself in 2 covers from head to toe. I twisted and turned, and shook like it was cold and scratched the wall and kicked in my covers bubble and it felt odd that the wall was painted and not the wood board of that bed from my childhood. I remembered flashes of the middle part, more feelings on/over me and some flashes but I couldn't get up, snap out. Part of me felt all the way there, part of me felt my current bed feeling different and I knew I wasn't there. But I remembered these things, like hands touching me and me recoiling until my head hits the wall, but the hands were like a giant hands(cause I was little) and that metal bracelet he always wore that I always remember correctly. Things like his weight over me and hands pulling the covers. I started rocking back and forth(in reality now) and in the memory I could feel pressure and faster breathing and I couldn't move just rocking back and forth. And remembering him doing... I never remember this part and now it was there. I can't even type it, but it was there and I can't ...I just kept rocking fasted and faster in the flash-whatever and in reality and I couldn't stop for a while and then everything was hurting so there were memories that layered over it, memories of nice things like parents making hot breakfast on cold Sunday morning with the snow and there was no pain.
When I was out I couldn't move from the position I was in, my whole body was shaking like I was cold for a long time, faster and faster. I kicked, I scratched the wall (it's concrete so tough luck but still), I scratched my ties. I had to feel my bed, and glance over my covers several times until things come into focus and start to feel real and safe. I came out limb by limb, shaking and uncertain of whether it's safe. I am just having breakfast and regretting I have nothing to make my childhood warm breakfast. It feels weird that I'm allowed to drink coffee. Memories from several decades are mixing and mashing and my brain is pulling comfy memories and I can't focus on the present. Everything important to do, everything real in my life, even this, still feels a little surreal. My body still hurts. I don't feel like a child, but I don't feel my age or feel my body. I can't make myself focus for more than 2 sec. I can't feel like I'm really in my body although my body feels sensations. I feel weird that I live alone and my family isn't here. I feel weird that I'm not in my childhood actual home. I can't look in the mirror yet. I feel like there is snow(calming) outside although when I look there isn't. The world still feels far. My fingers are still numb and tingly as I'm writing. I know at the back of my head this is one of the most important months this year and I have to get to work (from home thank god, though errands out too). I still feel like I need 5 showers. The things are coming in and out of focus and everything is just messed up.
What is happening? Did my body just make all this up because of the dream? I never remember the middle, I shouldn't, I can't, I won't, I have to be making it up because it can't I won't i can't be... This can't be how it was it can't be how it was it can't be.... please someone tell me it can't be and I knew it was like that but please I can't be remembering this part I won't I can't....please...
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