Sometimes I Feel Like The Pain Will Never End

[jewel]

Hi-
I have PTSD now for three years. I have completely isolated myself from all my friends. My mood waxes and wanes. Most recently, I have been in a high stress mode and have been taken by ambulance to the hospital for almost overdosing. I feel life is empty, I am alone a lot, my T is angry at me now, I don't focus, I am have recently started dissociating which scares me, and I feel useless and worthless and pretty much hopeless too.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

What's going on? Why are you isolating? Has something happened to build your stress level up to this point?
You're not useless or worthless, and I'm certain your therapist is not angry with you. You're going through a rough time, but you will make it through this. Your life is not empty, but it can seem that way when you're hit by the numbness and apathy that PTSD can bring along. You are worth the time and energy it takes to make positive steps and to feel positively about yourself.

 

[jewel]

Hi Vee- I am isolating for many reasons. The main one is I hate explaining myself. I look "normal" and without. Disability and yet I do not have full function of my arm after an MVA so when I tell people why I cannot hold something they stare with despise or at least I take it that way. I am angry at my disability and angry I am young, single, alone, lonely, in pain always and no one to cry to or be held by. I have no friends, no family---my daughter is in university so I am all alone and feeling quite sad.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

I don't know who it is that you tell about your disability, but I can't imagine that they would have any negative feelings toward you for having a disability (unless you were hijacking cars while drunk, high, and handing out drugs to kids or something along those lines, which I seriously doubt... lol...) I think that people tend to be shocked and they aren't sure how to respond. They feel bad that you have a disability, but have no idea what to say (do you say "I'm sorry", do you ask more, do you change the subject?), so they tend to just give you this blank stare. Don't take it personally, I just think it's that most people don't want to offend you and believe they need to tread lightly.

There's nothing to be angry about! There's nothing wrong with having a disability! As a matter of fact, you could use it to your advantage to pick up hot guys. You could use the hand that can't grip, drop something near him, he'll go to pick it up and you can say something about how he's so helpful and you need a pair of strong hands to grip things. Or does that sound bad? I'm not sure.

And the thing about having to explain yourself. You don't necessarily have to explain yourself if you don't want to, and if you do, there's no shame in having a disability. It's not like that disability changes who you are at your core. You are a good and decent person who is deserving of a good life and of love. I think what would be extremely helpful to you is to get involved in a PTSD support group. Everyone needs a good social support system in order to be the most successful in their healing process, and a support group would be great because you don't need to explain anything to them. They already know what you're going through and the feelings you have. You wouldn't have to worry about what they would think if you feel the need to cry, because they understand. I am actually looking into a support group as well since I do have family who are willing to help, but it's frustrating because they just don't get it.

I hope you do join a group, and I'm sure that will really help everything along. Also, don't forget, it is your right and duty as a mother to harass your daughter by texting, emailing, or facebooking weird, repetitive, and random things to her at all hours of the day. :)
Stay strong, everything will turn out to be ok! *hugs* <3

 

[Tinyflame]

One of my dearest friends has only part of one arm, and she is fabulous looking, super smart, and I'm just in awe of what she does with one arm (she says 'lighting matches is the worst

)
To be very honest, I totally forgot she has one arm after a few times of meeting her.

VL is right, in all ways. And yes- let guys be chivalrous

(((((jewel)))))

 

[jewel]

You ladies are wonderful. I wish I had friends here. It's so difficult here because I am in pain so much and i have a list of "I cants"...cooking being one of them. On the up side, I fit into my tiny jeans now! Down side, I don't socialize so meeting guys is kinda outta the question for me. Facebook? I don't even do that. I only text with my baby. I am pretty much a hermit.
I did go to a DBT group which was great until I had a falling out with the moderator and could n move past it. So I stopped. Then began my downward spiral. I am thinking of going back. I need something.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hey Jewel, it sounds like you have become a bit stuck. It also sounds like your self-esteem has taken a bashing.

Self-esteem is about how much we value ourselves. How much we love and accept ourselves and how much we feel valued, loved, accepted, and thought well of by others. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one will like them or accept them or that they can't do well in anything. And of course there's the old saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you.
Have a read of the following web-page about Link Removed

Try to reconnect with friends who you have lost touch with. Maybe invite someone over for coffee. It is normal to want contact with others. It is normal to need support and love from others.

Your self esteem isn't going to improve over night, it takes time and effort. You need to learn to accept yourself for who you are, faults and all. You need to learn to love yourself for who you are, faults and all, and you need to learn to believe in yourself. I don't know if you have a therapist, but if you do, this is something you can work on. If you don't have a therapist you need to work on this for yourself.

To work on this you can use your family and friends for support. Ask them what they like about you/ don't like about you. But you have to be prepared for their honest answers! Sit down and make a list of all your assets. What you are good at, and positive personality traits, also previous achievements. It's not easy to do, but really think about it. We get so used to focussing on the negative, we don't give ourselves any credit for the positive. Make a list!

You could also make a list of the things you don't like about yourself, and work out positive ways in which you can change. Perhaps you could have a think about what you could say to someone who reacts negatively to your disability, and think about what you would 'like' them to say. I think Vee is right, most people don't know how to react. If you have a few responses ready, maybe you can steer the conversation, rather than be left with a confusing silence.

Start by doing nice things for yourself, things you enjoy. Just small things to begin with, and gradually build up. (bubble bath, favourite music, feel good movie, cook your favourite meal, read a good book, take a walk in the park, etc)

Gradually get out of the house more, with your family and friends. Do things you enjoy. Have fun. Being with other people who love us and enjoy our company is a natural way to build your self-esteem and confidence. Focus on your achievements, not on any failures. Look at the things you are good at, and do more of these things. Or try something new. You might be a great artist, or dancer, or actress, or singer. Or you might not be great - but if you enjoy it, what the hell?! If there's things about you or your life that you're not happy with set yourself achievable goals that can change those things - and be proud when you achieve them.


Good luck!!

 

[jewel]

Great advice Cherryblossom- thank you for your input. However, it isn't that easy for me. I moved away from friends and family for work and then got into a nasty car wreck. I didn't have time to set up a support system in my new territory. No family here and truly no friends. I cannot cook with my disability because lifting pots is impossible. I microwave food or don't eat. I don't have people to help me out...wish I did. I do have a T and we arer working on keeping me alive first and foremost and then I guess we will move to self esteem.